Page 23 of Hiding from Hope

“Uncle JJ!” And that is my favorite six-year-old.

The sound of Mia’s voice pulls me from my bed. I throw on a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt that were folded over the reading chair–which I don’t remember laying out–and make my way to the door and open it. Mia runs straight into my legs and makes me almost lose my balance. “Hey, kiddo,” I grumble out, still trying to pull my eyelids open.

“Woah. What died in here?” Ava asks as she strolls in, followed by Riley and also Addison. My soul is what I don’t say.

“What are you three doing here on a Tuesday? And where is Ollie?” I try not to sound so inhospitable; I am trying to be more accessible as a brother, but I still would like to exist in my hangover alone for a while before they all start collectively breaking my balls.

“He’s with Matt. I needed a non-contact morning. If that kid bites my tit one more time, I’m going to scream.” A shiver rolls down my spine at the image of my six-month-old nephew breastfeeding. Instead, I ignore the comment and stand aside for them to pile into the apartment.

“I spoke to Ava this morning and told her about your rare moment of socialization last night. She got jealous and convinced us to go to brunch. Mimosa?” Addison explains on the way to the kitchen counter. The thought of more alcohol makes me queasy, and I shake my head while closing the door and picking up Mia. I walk her over to the couch with me and twist her to sit as I lay down. Hoping she just plays around me instead of expecting me to play with her. Addison busies herself at the kitchen counter before they all eventually follow me down to the couch. Mia flops onto her stomach on my chest and pulls absently at the hairs on my chin.

“So, how’d you get home?” Riley asks as she drops a coffee–thank the heavens–on the coffee table in front of me.

“No idea.”

“When did you leave?” Addison asks.

“No idea.”

“Is there anything you do remember?” Ava laughs and the three of them take a seat opposite me on the couch.

“Caleb buying Fireball shots. Ethan said something about me being cooler than Addison.” I give her a wink at her gasp. “Lucas just asked about Riley as a roommate.” I turn my head reluctantly and squint in Riley’s direction. “Think he might be worried you’re a slob.” I give her a teasing smile and she throws a pillow that I catch before it knocks Mia over.

“You stink, Uncle Jessie.”

I sigh heavily. “I know, kid, I know.”

Because I haven’t had a chance to shower and probably reek of whiskey and cinnamon. Can’t imagine that is a great combination of smells.

“Since when did you and Casey start hanging out?” That has my head snapping in Riley’s direction and my brain fog clearing. Maybe if she hears it from you, she’ll change her mind. The events of last night flood me like the worst bout of hang-xiety you could have.

Before I left the apartment on the way to Pucks last night, I was torturing myself with a scroll on the Instagram of Petit Délice. The French restaurant in the heart of Paris, of which had an announcement that their head Patisserie Chef was engaged, with a wedding in the summer. It felt like my whole world collapsed in on itself. Jenny and I hadn’t been together in over two years now, and yet it felt like she had left all over again.

‘You have no ambition. You can’t live your life surrounded by books, Jessie. One day, you’re going to have to grow up. I can’t live here anymore. I feel like I’m being suffocated. You suffocate me. Goodbye, Jessie.’

The words and all that they implied, all the damage they did, had swept through me like a hurricane. It threw off any goodness I had tried to do over the last couple of months. While I knew I wasn’t in love with Jenny anymore, it was a punch to the gut, leaving me feeling winded. The strong burn of those Fireball shots the only thing that seemed to make me feel lighter again. I guess she found someone who made her feel alive. She found and fell in love with someone else. Someone to spend her life with. And instead of me doing the same, I just continued doing everything she called me out for. I sat, stewed, and sulked in my own darkness and pity. Never moving on, giving up on hope, and telling myself I let the best thing in life go. I didn’t deserve a second chance. Not with her, not with anyone.

“JJ?” Ava’s concerned voice reminds me that I haven’t answered Riley’s question.

“Oh, she hosted her work thing at the café. And when Noah bailed on that self-defense thing last week, I helped her out. We aren’t hanging out; just a couple of chance encounters.” I swallow the acid that rises in my throat at the words. It feels like an understatement. I don’t mention the moments where it had felt like my heart was waking up from a deep slumber, or where she drove me so crazy I forgot how to behave like a gentleman. Completely ignore the fact I caught her crying and she let me stay and hang out with her. Leaving out the little fact that our grandfather’s ring that used to warm my pinky finger now sits on Casey’s thumb.

Platonic from the outside. Extremely confusing on the inside.

The damage of Jenny’s engagement makes it clear I’m in no position to be anything to anyone, though. I can’t get involved with Casey. As much as my dick really wants me to, my heart is ice. I don’t have the ability to give her the whirlwind romance she desires. Can’t give her love, I would only drag her down. Only bring her into my sadness, suffocate her like I almost did to Jenny, until all that sunshine was snuffed out. And I refuse to be the reason the world loses a star that shines as bright as she does.

“I’m glad you’re branching out. You could do with some friends,” Addison chimes in.

“Yeah, the guys weren’t too bad.”

“I told you they were great. You just have to get to know them,” Addison encourages.

“So, does that mean you’re, like, part of their group? Are you going to see them again?” Ava asks reluctantly.

“We aren’t like you women. We aren’t going to gush about a new friendship and braid each other’s hair, for fuck’s sake. I enjoyed a few whiskies with a couple of guys. If I see them again, I’ll join them for a beer, or I won’t. Who cares?” The three of them collectively eye roll and scoff at me and it makes me laugh. Mia flops around on my stomach, making an oomph leave from the way her elbows dig into my chest as she props her chin on her hands and stares into my eyes, the biggest grin on her face.

“Fuck’s sake,” she replies. Fuck.

“Mia! We don’t say those words!” Ava chastises, but Mia ignores her.

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