Page 24 of Hiding from Hope

“Do you have a girlfriend, Uncle Jessie?”

“I do not.”

“Why not?” Six-year-olds have no business asking such loaded questions. I tilt my head to look at the three stooges and see if I will get any assistance. Ava and Addison just laugh, but Riley gets that mischievous look in her eye and leans forward, pretending to whisper just for Mia.

“Because he is a big baby and is scared of girls.” I roll my eyes, but before I can correct her, Mia sits up abruptly.

“You’re scared of GIRLS!?” she shouts and starts laughing. That kid-cackle that makes everything in the room feel wholesome. “You can’t be scared of girls, Uncle Jessie!”

“Why not?”

“Because! We aren’t scary. We’re just smarter, silly.” Mia shakes her head and continues to giggle as I shoot a knowing look at Ava, who just shrugs and sips her coffee.

“She isn’t wrong.” Again, I roll my eyes because this is the worst hungover conversation I’ve ever had.

“I’m not scared of girls. I just keep my distance to avoid hurt feelings,” I mumble.

“Theirs… or yours?” That bucket of cold water, of course, is tossed by none other than Addison. The only person in the world to ever call me on my shit seriously. The other two poke fun, but Addison gets right in there and digs deep. It is both the thing I love about her and the thing that makes me burn with rage. I grunt and lift Mia to the ground before I stand.

“You’re all welcome to leave.” I try to push my way through the door and ignore the frown on Mia’s face as she climbs onto Ava’s lap–who makes no effort to leave.

Addison stands and I hear her trail behind me.

“Oh, no, you don’t. Don’t you lock yourself away again. We were just getting you back, Jessie. If hanging around Casey is what you need to bring you back to us, then good. If it’s the Monday night at Pucks with just the guys, great! But don’t you dare lock down because you think you don’t deserve joy. Because you’re afraid of feeling something again.”

“Jenny is engaged.” It comes out as a whisper, and the room goes deathly silent. I don’t know if it is the hangover or if it is the fact that I haven’t felt this close to my sisters in a while, but for some reason, my defenses drop and I turn. Riley and Addison share a similar look of pain and anger, while Ava just looks sad. The same kind of softness that makes me want to lock up and not feel. I don’t want their sympathy or their pity.

“Who cares about that bitch?” Riley’s words sound almost like a growl.

Jenny and I were what people donned high school sweethearts. We even made it through college, lived together, and were starting to plan our future together. Or at least that is what I thought we were doing. Jenny was applying for restaurants across the world, wanting to jet off and ‘explore herself’. The carefree, gorgeous brunette who coaxed me out of my introverted shell in high school, made me fall desperately in love with her, only to jet off and leave me behind, like it was nothing. Easy. I was just a dead weight she needed to drop in order to breathe.

“Riley!” Ava hisses and pins her with a stare. It makes me laugh a bit, but then I look back to the blonde devil standing in front of me. Addison’s face scrunches into a scowl, her eyes searching mine, and I watch her go through about four different emotions as she wars internally on how to react. Curious to see how she tames her rage, I wait her out, letting her see into me, letting her know she doesn’t have to feel frightened of that anger. The same anger I learnt to burn and churn years ago. Finally, she closes her eyes and breathes out in a long breath before she just falls forward and wraps her arms around me tightly.

“I’m sorry.” The words sound like they reluctantly slip out of her, and it makes me smile wider. “She didn’t deserve you, anyway. But I’m sorry you’re hurting. I’m sorry that you still love her.” I hold her tight for a moment and Riley and Ava share a knowing look behind us before Addison steps out of the embrace. “Do you want to talk about it?” I shake my head.

“You should talk about it.” Mother Ava to the rescue.

“I’m not still in love with her.”

“And I’m an otter who can’t swim,” Riley mutters, the rest of us turning in her direction. “What? I thought we were telling obvious lies?” She puts on a smile that is deceptively sweet, and I walk back to the couch.

“I’m not, though. It just… it was a surprise. I guess because I used to picture my future with her, I couldn’t see it with anyone else. It was her or there wasn’t one. I guess… she just didn’t feel the same way. But that’s part of moving on. I don’t love her anymore, but it doesn’t mean knowing I wasn’t enough doesn’t hurt.” I lean forward, my elbows on my knees, and head in my hands. The couch dips from either side of me as Riley and Addison lean into a hug. I’m enveloped by two of my sisters as Ava places Mia on the floor between my legs and she flops my hair around. “You’ll get there, Jessie. Just let people help you, or at least let us. We might be scary girls, but we know you better than anyone.” Ava has the same soft smile as mom and when I turn to look at Addison on my left she winks, then Riley, on my right, nods and pats me on the back.

“Our baby boy. Such a big softy under all that gwumpiness,” Riley says in a mocking baby voice. Right, that will do.

“Okay, we’re done now. You can leave. I need to… eat meat and lift weights or something.” The three of them laugh and I stand. They grab their stuff and head for the door. As they leave, Addison lingers and turns to me. “You’re going to be okay, Little Rogue.” She says it like she can predict the future, using our childhood nickname to send a pang of nostalgia straight to my heart.

“Thanks, Big Rascal.”

Casey

“Dinner!” I call to the girls from the kitchen, and it feels an awful lot like I am a mother. I don’t mind cooking dinner every night. In fact, I love it and would promptly kick the other girls out of the kitchen if they tried it, but I also wouldn’t mind a meal cooked for me at some point, too.

“What’s on the menu, chef?” Rosie asks as she strolls in and plops herself at the dining table.

“Nothing fancy today, just spaghetti. I’m exhausted.”

“Oooo, big night?” Rosie gives me the waggly eyebrows and I scoff at her, turning back to the stove to plate up.

---