Page 16 of Hiding from Hope

“Closer,” Dan says to Jessie, using his grip on my shoulders to turn me around. Before I know it, the warmth of JJ’s front is almost completely warming my back. I feel his breath hit the back of my neck and that same delicious scent wraps me up. I should really tell him to cash in on that. Bottle and sell it; he’d make millions.

“So, for the first one, we will demonstrate an escape if you were attacked from behind.” He says to the class before turning to us. “Jessie, could you please wrap your arms around Casey’s middle, pinning her arms like you’re an attacker?”

Jessie does what he is told, except my body completely betrays me because this doesn’t at all feel like I’m being attacked. Maybe by my hormones, sure, but this is not the kind of attack my brain, or Little Casey, wants me to fight off.

“Okay, good.” Yes, good. Jessie’s arms are firmly wrapped around my body, his face is in my neck, and I swear I can hear him take a deep inhale. I have to physically restrain myself from falling back into him, to stop myself from pushing back and demanding he start exploring with his lips and his hands.

“Now, Casey, the slow movements are to grab onto his forearms here,” he points to where Jessie’s arms are held tight under my breasts, “and pull yourself in.” I follow his instructions as he slowly walks us through it. “Then swing your hips to the side.” I do so and he stops us. “To get momentum and an advantage, this gives you good range to injure your attacker, weaken their grasp on you, and be able to escape. Now that you have swung your hips to the side, with a closed fist, you can swing a punch backward into the groin of your attacker several times.” He says this mostly to the class while indicating the new open space from me moving my hips out of the way. I clench my fist and go to swing. “Woah! This is just a demonstration. We will get him some protection before you go injuring the goodies.” Dan chuckles as he grabs my fist. I look back at Jessie to apologize and his face makes me burst out with laughter.

“I think I just saw my life flash before my eyes,” he chokes out, and the girls laugh alongside me.

“I’m so sorry! I can’t believe I nearly knocked out the golden berries!” I say back to him, quiet enough just for him.

His arms are still firmly wrapped around me, and he leans in, so his response is just for me, too. “Did you just call my balls the golden berries?” Amusement coats his tone, but it still makes my cheeks flush. I shrug in response and thankfully, Dan takes back the focus.

“After you’ve gotten a few strikes to the groin in, you should have the momentum to spin and lock your hands behind your attackers’ neck.” Dan grabs my shoulders, and Jessie’s grip on me loosens only slightly as I’m turned in his arms. Dan grabs my arms and lifts them, placing them around Jessie’s neck, and suddenly our faces are extremely close. I feel every bit of warmth where our bodies touch and Jessie’s hands on my hips—

“No, you should place your hands here. Naturally, after you’ve just been punched in the sack, you probably want to hold and beg for mercy,” Dan says it low enough, like he needs to remind us this is public, and we are not currently in an embrace. Jessie snatches his hands from my hips like they burnt him and leaves them near his front.

“Good,” Dan announces to everyone else. “Now, Casey, locking your fingers together behind his neck, you need to pull him down a touch.” I do as I’m told, and with Jessie’s tall frame, he is bent over, his head being lowered as I pull, and then I realize exactly where his head is.

Right in front of my breasts.

I hear a groan from Jessie and his hands tighten into fists at his side.

“Sorry, am I hurting you?” I whisper to him, letting go of my pull slightly.

“Not in the slightest.” He grunts out, but he still sounds like he is in pain.

Dan turns to the rest of the class. “From this angle, you’ll be able to get a few good knees into the groin area to further incapacitate your attacker, giving you the opportunity to run.” Jessie’s hands snap to his groin with speed as I raise my knee. “Woah! Again, just a demonstration. Until the man has some protective padding, please don’t unnecessarily make him infertile,” Dan jokes, and my cheeks heat. I lean in further and whisper an apology to Jessie. Dan rests a hand on Jessie’s back, a quiet indication we can stop. “Okay, good. Let’s get him in some gear and we can all practice. Jessie can take turns giving the ladies an example of being attacked by some strength and height, but the rest of you can break off into pairs and still practice together. The more it becomes instinct to react this way, the safer you’ll be,” Dan announces to everyone before striding toward the gear he brought with him. I release my grip on JJ’s neck without removing my arms completely, and he rests his hands on my hips to straighten to his full height. I’m stuck in place, looking into those confused blue-green eyes, the speckles of gold twinkling and the way his half smile grows on his face. From this close, I notice the scruff on his face is neatly trimmed, like a groomed businessman who has an attachment to his beard. I have this impulse to reach my hands and scratch at it, but I remain somewhat sane as I don’t move. His eyes flit to my lips and hold. It makes them feel dry, and I lick them to rid myself of the sensation, but he only bites his as he follows the path of my tongue. God damn, it is hot in here.

Someone clears their throat, and it’s like a bucket of cold water. I snap my arms away from Jessie and take a few steps back. Elle stands off to the side, a knowing look on her face, and my cheeks heat like never before. I force a smile to pretend like we weren’t just caught about to kiss as I turn toward the bathroom. “Be right back!” I announce. And practically run.

Did we almost just kiss? Was Jessie about to kiss me? Surely not. I definitely imagined that. There is no way Jessie Jenkins felt the same tension I did. He isn’t the one harboring a crush since he was sixteen and on a sex hiatus that is sending his hormones wild. That is just me. There is. No. Way.

I barrel into the bathroom, standing at the sink, and splash cold water on my face before I give myself a few gentle slaps. “Get it together. You are a professional and you are an example. Strong independent woman who needs no man!” I point at myself in the mirror. I close my eyes, straightening my spine to full height and rolling back my shoulders. Taking a deep inhale through my nose, I slowly release it through my mouth. Feeling the pale blue ball of calm centering joy spread its way through my body. Traveling my arms, my legs, and through my center before making its way to each of my fingers and toes. I breathe slowly and when I open my eyes, I feel centered, calm, and in control. “You are strong. You are fierce. You are in control.” I say it to myself and then release the final breath. A smile spreads across my face as I feel a sense of satisfaction spread through me. Yes, I am absolutely in control.

Jessie

Sunday morning is the one morning I let myself have off. The day I get Eugene to open and man the shop for the day. He’s a good egg. I was originally skeptical because he didn’t read or really know anything about books. His one redeeming quality is that I’m pretty sure he can brew a coffee better than me. Not something I will openly admit to, but the little creations he can form with the foam are truly something else. So, I took the morning to sleep in, bum around the house. I finished the book I was reading and moved on to The Odyssey. Except, despite being perched in my reading chair, surrounded by books, the type of peace I usually spend daydreaming of, I can’t focus.

Instead of reading the words on the page, I see the tiny auburn flyaways at the base of Casey’s neck as I had held her tightly to my chest in the studio yesterday. I see the rise and fall of her breasts as she breathed heavily. We were pretending, and providing a demonstration, and yet, when she pulled me toward her chest it took every single cell in my body not to grab the neck of that ridiculous tank, tear it down to bare her perky breasts to me so I could devour her.

I shake my head and re-read the same sentence I have re-read for the last ten minutes. Except all I see are the same words on a loop in my head.

I can be your person.

Here was this kind, selfless woman, agreeing to befriend a lonely grump. Maybe it’s that I woke up at thirty-three and have never felt so lonely. It feels pathetic to be so desperate for a connection; it’s even more pathetic that I’m struggling to swallow my pride and just behave like a normal guy. But fuck, I can’t get her out of my head. Imagining her in all kinds of places, most of them naked and with me inside her, that blue bow tied around her delicate wrists so I could take everything I wanted. It feels forbidden, wrong, like a betrayal to Casey, me lusting after her when she had agreed to be my friend. Ugh, friend.

I aggressively turn the ring on my pinky for a distraction, trying to focus on the feel of it twisting on my skin, but I still can’t stop thinking about the way Casey re-emerged from the bathroom with a solid indifference. She chatted with her staff, we ran through a few more movements, and it was like the electricity I felt with her around was only one-sided, like I was imagining the whole thing in my head. Right?

I’m officially going insane. And it’s all thanks to a small chestnut pixie.

Thinking that she didn’t also feel this pull toward each other. That the moment we were in the same room, the air didn’t thicken and make rational thought impossible. I mean, of course she didn’t. There was no way she was attracted to the likes of me.

This infatuation was stupid, ridiculous, inappropriate, and perhaps that was why I decided on another distraction. I walked into my room and pulled out the manuscript. The one I wrote a year ago before promptly shoving it to the back of my closet. I pull it out and dump it on the reading chair, pacing the space before it, twisting the ring again as I mull it over. Ready to finally complete another edit. Maybe if I polish it again, I’ll feel ready to show the world?

No one wants to hear what you have to say.

---