Page 80 of Falling for Fury

JJ stands from his stool and stands next to me, lifting my chin with his rough hands and swiping away tears with his thumbs. Tears I didn’t feel falling amongst the aching numbness. Once again, a blubbering mess—over another boy, no less. He wraps me in a tight hug, and the tears break from a trickle to a downpour, as I fail to muffle the sobs that leave my throat traveling from the pit of hell within me. Leaching every bit of pain from my soul, and Jessie remains firm as he soaks it up, rubbing small circles on my back. Between the numbness and the heartbreak is a familiar awareness, the reminder of Jessie and who we used to be. It feels a little like I have my JJ back.

“Mind your business,” Jessie growls at someone behind me, and I realize I am creating quite a scene. I pull out of his embrace and pull my shit together. If I wasn’t so upset and angry, I’d almost be amused at how uncomfortable JJ looks with all this emotion on display. His usual gruff ruggedness is conflicting with his display of physical affection. His grip on my shoulders remains firm, his gaze assessing.

“I’m saying this for your benefit, not his. Because I think I might go back and break his jaw watching you cry over him. But you… fuck’s sake.” Jessie’s body is visibly tense, and he pulls away as he runs a hand down his face. “You should really hear him out. No point in me telling you anything. I think… I think you should just hear what he has to say, the reasons he kept it secret… it’s just a bit fucking complicated.”

“Fu—”

“Shut it, I’m not done.” JJ holds his hand in front of my face, silencing me. The only person who could grumble enough to make me listen. “That wasn’t a ‘you can’t handle it’ complicated. It’s literally just fucking complicated. The details of the situation, I honestly don’t even remember. I do know that you’d want to hear him out, though. Matt and Ava, too. But talk to Noah. If you really love him, if you actually think this is real and worth fighting for, then fucking fight for it. I wish someone would have told me that two years ago.” Guilt nearly makes my knees buckle. I didn’t tell him to fight for Jenny. I just told him good riddance. God, he really loved her, and it took me having my love crushed to see his pain for what it is. But forgiving and fighting were two things I had no energy for right now, and I really had no idea when or if I would again.

“I’m sorry for being so caught up in my own shit that I’ve been a horrible big brother. I wish I… I just wish I was there for you more. I wish I was someone you thought about coming to. I’m sorry for how I’ve acted and sorry that I screwed us up so royally that you no longer even try to come to me. I want it to be different. I want you to come to me. I want to be there for you. For all of you girls.” My heart cracks open wider, another flood threatening an appearance in my eyes. I can’t say words without causing another sobbing scene, so I give Jessie my honest smile. The warmth of his apology and his words flooding my veins, and I nod. His shoulders relax as he heaves a sigh of relief, pulling me into a breath-stealing embrace. Despite everything, I guess my one silver lining is the small path to repair JJ and I seem to be on. Maybe I should even thank Dad and Noah for ruining everything with their lies and deceit.

“I love you, Big Rascal.” My childhood nickname brings a wave of charming nostalgia and the memories of JJ and I growing up. Us against the girls.

“I missed you, Little Rogue.”

Noah

“Henry held up his end before everything came out on Saturday and EcoX has cleared AIM. The confession from Henry cleared me of any wrongdoing, and they are willing to work with us still. Have you heard from them about the contract?” Matt confirms from across the table. I shake my head, completely at a loss. I thought handling this issue personally and quietly would save Henry the humiliation, save a family from imploding, save Matt’s job, save the deal that is meant to completely secure my future. Sure, Matt managed to keep his job. Henry’s little side bet ended up being traced, uncovering decades worth of similar behavior, and next thing we knew, a warrant was issued and the family meeting from hell blew everything up in our faces. At least Henry had some form of dignity enough to let them all know in person rather than from the news.

Matt hadn’t liked lying to Ava any more than I liked lying to Addy. In the end, it looks like I lose everything, anyway.

“Have you heard from Addison?”

His turn to shake his head. “Just give her space.”

“Jessie said the same thing, but it’s been a week. I can’t just hang in the silence like this. I need to explain to her what happened. She needs to know about the contract, why I didn’t say anything. I can’t just move on with my life until I fix this.” Matt doesn’t offer any words, he just nods and pats me on the back.

“Hate to say I told you, but I did. She isn’t going to forgive that easy, Karvelas. You’re going to need to give her time. Rosie and Casey are on high alert. You just need to let her ride it out.” Fuck this. Ride it out? Hell no. She is hurting, she is in pain. I’m not sitting on my fucking ass any longer.

Addison

“Addy, you in here?” Casey knocks softly on my door.

“No.”

She chuckles at my lame attempt at telling her to go away, and I hear the bedroom door creak open. “You’re going to have to do something other than sleep and work.” Her tone is concerned and sympathetic and pitying, and I hate everything about it. Rage and sadness, mixed with shame, embarrassment, and resentment, fester and grow within me. Rage and sadness at how my family just continues to expect the worst of me and how Noah stole my heart clean out of my chest. Shamed and embarrassed that I’m apparently so volatile, no one trusts me with any information that might raise my blood pressure. Am I really so bad? Is there really this much wrong with me?

“I don’t care what you think.”

“What if I bribe you with espresso martinis?” Rosie says, joining Casey on this mission to bring me back to life.

“Make them all you want. I don’t care.” Words leave my mouth, but it doesn’t feel like any thought goes into them. Like I’m on autopilot. I’m aware enough to know my autopilot is a bitch. I’m not aware enough to give a fuck, though.

“Ads, c’mon, why don’t we go for a run? You love running.”

“Why don’t you both just get out and leave me alone? Stop pretending you understand how I feel. Stop trying to fix me. I just want to be alone.” I wish I could feel guilt. Feel shame or regret. Maybe I do, maybe that’s what this feeling is, but I’m just so riddled with it that I can no longer decipher the feelings from each other. Of course, my words and my rage don’t deter them.

“Why don’t I call Noah? Maybe he can fuck some sense into you.” The mention of his name makes my stomach dip and my heart clench. Casey and Rosie got the full rundown of events. Unlike my family, they knew how crazy I was for Noah. They live here, after all, and were witness to my nonsensical high of ecstasy that I’d been living in. They’ve since become at-home nursemaids.

Like a knee-jerk reaction, tears well in my eyes, and I spin on Rosie and Casey. “Get out.” My tone does nothing to hide my anger and my pain. They both sigh and leave without argument. I understand they mean well. I understand they are trying to help. What they don’t understand is the control required to manage the fury that builds inside me takes up every last drop of energy that I have, and there is nothing left to give in any other aspect of life. I have enough to control my outbursts and enough to make it through the day.

That’s all I can give.

The last week has been a cycle of the same thing. Panic, cry, sleep, work, rage, panic, cry, sleep, repeat. Panic about where I’m going, what I’m doing. Who am I if not the person I was told to be? I hate that I have achieved so much and yet it feels like it was for nothing. I was trying to make Dad proud of me. Trying to make sure he had a reason to rave about me and to love me. And now? His opinion means less than the lint on my towels. So what was the point? What was it all for?

I’m back to avoiding my baths. Without Noah plying me with strawberries and wine while holding my hand, it just doesn’t have the same feel to it. The only break in my routine is when I have to dial Jessie’s number to save me from myself. When I finally hit a point where it goes too far. When those spiraling dark and gooey thoughts come knocking, and try to swallow me whole. Jessie has been a rock. A nice quiet, only around when I call, rock, who has let me wallow, giving space and time. He only once asked, ‘why haven’t you called Noah yet?’ before I scolded him and he dropped the subject. The answer is because I can’t. Because I know that I’ll look into those eyes and want to forgive and forget, if only to just have my heart not hurt so damn much. I finally let myself care and trust and want someone, and I’m shown every reason why I never should have.

I feel him everywhere, too. In my bathroom, in my bed, on the couch. I see him at JJ’s bookshop, and every time I try to tell myself that it will be a better day, some reminder of him springs to mind.

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