Page 21 of A Little Light

Chapter 7

Rachel sat at the dining table, twisting her cup of cold coffee on the distressed wood. She hadn’t slept at all through the night, Andi’s conversation playing on repeat in her mind whenever she closed her eyes. She didn’t know why she’d suddenly fled last night, and she didn’t know why Andi being honest was an issue for her either. Wasn’t that what she wanted? Someone honest and dependable? Someone who didn’t turn their nose up at Rachel and who she was?

Of course it was what she wanted. Rachel just hadn’t expected Andi to be the one potentially offering her that. Perhaps if they hadn’t just shared a beautiful dinner with one another, Rachel would have felt better prepared for the conversation. But they had, and as she’d sat across the table from Andi, Rachel knew she felt something for her. That wasn’t necessarily a terrible thing, but given the condition of her heart after Juliet…and the fact that Andi was recently widowed, Rachel couldn’t help but feel as though it would be a mistake. She didn’t want to put her heart on the line for someone who would step all over it again. The pain was too great.

Her phone started to ring on the table beside her cup. She sighed and answered. “Hey, Kelly.”

“How was dinner?”

Rachel’s skin prickled at the reminder. Andi had looked breathtaking last night. Not only in the outfit she chose to wear but also in her personality. She seemed far less tense. And when she laughed? Oh, God. When she laughed, it was something else altogether. “It was great. We had a lovely evening. I think Andi thought I’d stitched her up when she got out of the cab and saw the place, but she was pleasantly surprised once she was inside.”

“I’m with Andi on this. I still can’t believe that gorgeous restaurant is in the pits of the city.”

Rachel didn’t suppose it mattered where it was anymore. She wouldn’t see Andi outside of the estate agents from now on, so it was unlikely they’d have the chance to enjoy food there again. “It seems to work. That’s the main thing.”

“So, when are you seeing Andi again?” Kelly asked, her tone hopeful.

“She said she would email me when the keys to the loft were available. So, whenever that is, I guess.”

“Okay, but you’ll see her again for dinner and stuff, won’t you? It sounds like you had a great time with one another, so it seems like a missed opportunity to not do that again.”

“I think it’s best if we don’t.”

“Why? What’s going on?”

Rachel scrubbed a hand down her face. She didn’t want to do this. Andi shouldn’t matter to her, yet she did. “You said it yourself the other night. It’s not a good idea. I’m not looking, and she’s grieving, you know?”

“Something happened last night, didn’t it?” Rachel caught the change in tone from Kelly. Her best friend had every right to be apprehensive, but Rachel had done the right thing…and left before anything could happen. “Rae?”

“It didn’t. But it almost did.”

Rachel knew that down the line, she would probably kick herself. The decision to leave hadn’t been one she’d taken lightly. But the lack of hesitancy in Andi’s voice and the fact there wasn’t a hint of uncertainty in her eyes warned Rachel off. Because it meant Andi was ready to date, and, in turn, Rachel couldn’t lie to herself any longer. Of course she could have easily kissed her last night. But using Andi’s grief as an excuse to not get her heart broken again was no longer an option…so she’d fled.

“It just wouldn’t work. Andi is great; she’s gorgeous too, but I’m not sure I’m the person she should set her sights on when it comes to dating again.”

“Why the hell not?”

“Because it’s all or nothing with me, Kelly. I hear the pain in her voice when she talks about her wife. I’m not sure I can be second best.” If Rachel was being brutally honest with herself, she did want to see Andi again. But the Juliet saga played over in her mind like a terrible movie, and whenever she thought about taking a chance, she reminded herself of her recent heartbreak. She had been second best the moment Paige entered Juliet’s life…she couldn’t willingly go into something that would cause the same issues along the way. Andi still loved her wife—rightfully so—and Rachel couldn’t change that.

“Oh, babe. I’m sure it doesn’t work that way. If Andi is into you, she’s into you. I’m pretty sure if the day ever came, she wouldn’t be lying in bed with you…thinking about her wife.”

“Still.”

“Answer me this. When was the last time you went on a date?”

Rachel puffed out her cheeks, ashamed by the answer. “In my twenties. Before I started escorting.”

“And when was the last time you made time for yourself and went out with another woman? I know Juliet turned out to be something more, but when was the last time you allowed yourself to feel something for a woman who wasn’t paying you for your time and looks?”

“Again, in my twenties.” Rachel chewed her lip, holding the tears in her eyes at bay. “I’m not sure what the point of this is…”

“The point is that you asked Andi out to dinner, and she said yes. The point is that you took a chance, whether you want to believe it was just as friends or not. Because it clearly wasn’t as friends if something almost happened last night after dinner.”

“She…invited me back to her place for a glass of wine. I’m sure it was just because of the night we’d had, but she told me she’d consider something more with me. That…she feels different when she’s with me.” Rachel knew she was relationship material. She’d never not believed that. But while she was escorting? No, it simply wouldn’t last. “I’m struggling to understand how she feels that way. Andi will find someone again, but me? How can I be the woman she’s interested in?”

“Because you’re great. Your job doesn’t define who you are. You had a blip with Juliet, but the only thing that showed me was that you’re ready to settle down. And I won’t lie, I thought it was going somewhere with you and Juliet. Especially when you told me you two were sleeping together. But we are where we are, and that’s no longer an option. I just think you should give Andi a chance.” Kelly paused. “Look, it may not go anywhere, you’re right. But if it does?”

“It won’t.”