Page 7 of Study You

And Finn was beginning to feel a little bit ridiculous for even contacting Gillian. How was she supposed to explain to the woman who thought she was hot and fuckable that she had practically no life outside of university? “Can I say some things and it not change your opinion of me?”

Gillian reached for her glass of wine and sipped. “It depends on what it is you’re going to say. If you’ve come here to tell me you’re a drug dealer or a thief, then naturally, I’m going to have a very different opinion of you.”

Finn frowned, unsure if Gillian was joking or not. Either way, she felt a little offended. “Thankfully, neither of those. But if you’d rather not do this, I can just go.”

Gillian placed a hand to Finn’s knee as she tried to stand. “Anything you say here can be said without judgement.”

“I appreciate that.” Finn took a moment or two to breathe. She really didn’t want Gillian to think of her any differently. What they’d had was the one thing that made Finn feel less like a loner. When Gillian looked at her the way she usually did, Finn didn’t feel so out of the loop with life. “As for the reason why I’m here, it’s as pathetic as simply wanting some company.”

Gillian’s brows drew together. “Finn, I’m sure you have plenty of people to spend time with. I mean, look at you. Your friends and…interests, shall we say, must be falling over themselves for your attention.”

Finn snorted, staring down at her beer bottle. “Yeah, I don’t have any ‘interests’…or friends.”

“I’m sorry?”

“I suppose not everything is as it seems when you look at people, huh?” Finn knew this would be an instant turn off. Gillian had clearly been into the confident and intriguing side of Finn. Not the one that had no friends and very little life. “I care for my mum. When I’m not at university or working, I’m at home with her.”

Gillian nodded slowly. “That explains the extension.”

“Yup.” Finn scooted back on the couch, resting her ankle on her knee. “And that won’t happen again. I can assure you.”

“Finn, I’m pretty understanding when it comes to needing more time. You’re university level now; we don’t generally run around chasing students for assignments. Whatever you need, you let me know, and I’ll make it happen.”

Finn looked up at Gillian, her gaze unwavering. “Honestly? I need this. And I know it’s not something I’m entitled to, nor would I expect it from you, but it’s what I need. Someone I can hang out with. Someone I can come to when I need to vent.”

“You don’t know how much I wish I could be that person.”

“I’m not your kind of person—I get that. But the fact you even agreed to see me tonight has been a huge help. Everything just gets to be a bit too much at home sometimes.”

“You and I both know you’re exactly my kind of person. Let’s not pretend otherwise.”

Finn blushed ever so slightly. Seeing Gillian like this, wearing her comfy clothes and make-up free… It made her feel some kinda way. Add in the care in her eyes, and Finn was unexpectedly thrown. “That’s fair.”

“Now tell me, what gets to be too much? Caring for your mother?”

Finn winced. Confirming that was going to make her sound like a terrible person. “Don’t judge me for that. I’ve been caring for her since I was nineteen. It was only occasional at first, but for the last three years or so, it’s been practically full-time. It’s never been easy, and it’s only getting harder. I try my best, I do everything I can when I’m there, but…she won’t accept that she needs someone other than me there. An actual carer.”

“I’m not judging you for that. I don’t have a relationship with my mother, so anything you do is already above and beyond as far as I’m concerned.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.” Finn almost slid her hand towards Gillian, and then she remembered that they didn’t work that way. So she would stick to the script. I wish I could know her on a deeper level. “It’s like she doesn’t understand that I have a life, too. That I’m now working towards a degree to do something I’ve always wanted to do…and that I have to actually work to make that happen.”

“She wants you to spend every waking moment taking care of her.”

Finn hated to admit it, but it was true. “Yes.”

“Correct me if I’m wrong, but you seem to feel guilty about that.”

The guilt was something that ate away at Finn most days. Even as she sat here now, Finn wondered if she should be at home waiting on another instruction or demand. But she didn’t want to live her life that way anymore. She had already held back on her studies and ended up being a mature student in Gillian’s classes. It was time she focused on herself while getting her mother the best care she could. Care that wouldn’t come solely from Finn.

“I do feel guilty about it.” Finn lifted a shoulder, not caring if she said too much. “I don’t expect a full-blown social life, and I certainly don’t have time to meet anyone. But just to get out the house for a few hours when I’m able to would make a huge difference.”

“Well.” Gillian puffed out her cheeks.

“Not what you expected, is it?”

“Honestly? No. You don’t come across that way—isolated and lonely—at all. At least, not in front of me.”

Finn watched Gillian, trying to gauge the thoughts running through her mind. “I know you’re probably disappointed now. It’s just…you make me feel like the real me. I don’t feel like the carer who is stuck at home with very little life outside. I don’t worry about my future and where it’s not going. Who I am when I’m with you…is the real me. Deep down, anyway.”

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