Page 50 of Study You

Gillian stepped out of the open door and, in turn, out of Finn’s life.

Chapter 17

One week later…

Gillian hadn’t slept or eaten properly in over a week. She didn’t know if Finn had shown up at her new place last Sunday, and as she approached the main entrance to the university—eight days on from leaving Finn in that hotel room—she didn’t care. The last week had been strained. Finn hadn’t made eye contact during any classes, and Gillian couldn’t wait to rush off campus whenever she knew Finn was around. Gillian had left her apartment this morning, vowing to put the awkwardness to an end, but the thought of seeing Finn today had her anxiety skyrocketing. Still, she would see Finn, and that was something she’d have to deal with.

I miss her voice.

Gillian clenched her jaw as she rushed through the main doors, not wishing to bump into anyone this morning. It was ridiculous to miss Finn in any capacity, but here she was, craving her. Wishing things could be different. Considering Finn was the younger of the two of them, she’d certainly been far more mature last week when she came clean about her feelings. Because if Gillian had realised anything, it was that she didn’t have it in her to end things. Whether she knew Finn was right or not—whether Gillian felt a hint of what Finn did and knew it would complicate everything—she simply couldn’t have brought herself to do it. Pathetic.

Seems she wasn’t capable of much lately. That extended to her close friends. Gillian had gone back to her apartment last Saturday night, locked the door, and only surfaced from her bedroom on Monday morning when she knew she had no choice but to come to work. And each day since then had been the same routine. Get into work, do her job, then leave as quickly as she possibly could.

Gillian hadn’t even mustered up the courage to call Jan and tell her of this new development. Because Jan had warned her about this. She had warned her about the looks Finn gave Gillian. She had warned her that she could lose what they had. And while Gillian knew that day would come, she hadn’t expected it so soon. What had shocked her more was that it hadn’t even been through her own choice…but at the hands of Finn. Honestly, she felt lost this morning. Almost as though she was on the outside looking in. At her terrible life. Her lonely existence. Because while she had Jan and a few other friends, the one thing Gillian felt constantly since her divorce…was loneliness. Until Finn walked into her lecture…and her life.

It hadn’t really mattered that she spent most of her time feeling miserable and alone within her marriage. For the most part, anyway. At least she’d had a warm and inviting home. At least she’d had a lying, cheating husband who snored beside her. At least she’d had…something.

Still, Gillian knew she had done the right thing in getting out when she did. Dave had admitted his affair, blamed Gillian for not being what he needed anymore, and proceeded to spend most of his time with the very woman he’d been fucking for two years behind her back. No remorse and no apology equalled no marriage.

Had Gillian wanted to work things out with him? No, she hadn’t. It wasn’t possible to come back from an affair that had lasted two years. A one-off, potentially. But then she reminded herself of the fact that she wasn’t happy with him even before she learned of the affair. She reminded herself that while she was alone, it beat being alone while sleeping next to another person. That had been the very definition of hurt.

She crossed the foyer and turned the corner, breathing a sigh of relief when her office door came into view. It was only nine in the morning; she didn’t have a lecture until one this afternoon, so she could focus her mind on the very thing she’d spent so long getting right. Her career. Last week hadn’t been so great in terms of Gillian’s focus, but this week surely had to improve. She couldn’t afford to let her work suffer because of a stupid mistake she’d made.

Finn could never be a mistake.

Gillian had to wonder if she was so desperate for company that a fleeting stint with another woman was so painful to deal with. She’d managed a month without Finn over the Christmas break. But a week of unadulterated bliss and then a week without her and she was falling apart? Gillian really needed to deal with this and move on. But…how did she deal with something like this and move on? Since the day she left her marital home, Gillian had known she wouldn’t find anyone she could see her future with. She had come to terms with that—it was too soul-destroying to allow it to take up so much space in her life any longer—but here Finn was…saying the things Gillian had always wanted to hear.

Fuck. Even Dave hadn’t given her that kind of speech before or during their marriage. Didn’t that say a lot about the kind of person Finn was? Gillian scoffed. She knew the person Finn was. Attentive, trustworthy, downright gorgeous in every aspect she’d had the pleasure of seeing so far.

Still, this was Gillian’s own fault when all was said and done. She had told herself repeatedly that it was a bad idea. She had chastised herself whenever she wasn’t alone with Finn. She had talked herself out of it many times. But one look, one slight touch from Finn, and Gillian couldn’t control how she felt. The slightest breath from Finn and Gillian wanted to get lost in her eyes. Her scent. Her personality.

Safely within her office, Gillian pressed her back to the door. She closed her eyes and memorised that sensation of Finn’s hands on her skin, just as she had for the last eight nights. How they roamed her body in all the right ways. Only that sensation was something Gillian couldn’t forget. Not now, not ever.

It was ingrained in her memory.

It was burned onto her skin.

It was just Finn…everywhere.

Her phone started to ring in her satchel. Gillian didn’t know who she wanted it to be. Part of her wanted it to be Finn, begging Gillian to forget everything she’d said in that hotel room. Praying they could see one another again…to continue enjoying their arrangement. But Gillian knew she wouldn’t be lucky enough for that to happen.

She rummaged in her bag and pulled her phone out. It was Jan.

“Hello?”

“Hi, babe. I know it’s short notice, but I wondered if you and Finn wanted to join me for dinner tonight. Phil is out of the country, so I thought we could have a little get-together. My place…where you don’t have to worry about being seen together.”

“I…” Gillian’s bottom lip trembled, tears stinging her eyes. “S-sorry, I can’t.”

“Gill? Are you…crying?”

“No. It’s just my hay fever.” Gillian lied, plucking a tissue from the box on her desk.

“It’s the third week in January. I find it hard to believe that your hay fever is playing up when there’s not a single flower in bloom in the north.”

Gillian gritted her teeth. “Jan, I’m fine!”

“Don’t speak to me like that. I know you’re not okay, and as your best friend, I’d hope you’d be honest with me.”

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