Page 41 of Study You

“Hang on.” Jan lifted a hand. “You’re worried that you may develop feelings, yes?”

“Mmhmm.”

“And what’s so terrible about that? Just humour me for a moment. Say this thing between you and Finn did escalate. What’s the problem with that? If you find yourself falling for her, so what?”

“The problem?” Gillian scoffed. Well, where to begin? “She’s twenty years younger than me, Jan. That’s one pretty big problem.”

“Plenty of people are in age-gap relationships these days. You certainly wouldn’t be the first.”

“Dave had an affair with a younger woman. We’d been married for over twenty years, and he had an affair with someone older than Finn but many years younger than me. How the hell would I keep a hold of her? How could I go into a relationship with someone like her, someone who has no issue with the fact she likes to fuck women to unwind…and not wonder every day if she still wants me. If she wants to share a life with me. I’d be downright stupid to put myself in that position.”

“If you feel that strongly about it, I have to ask why you’re still sleeping with her.”

That was a very good question. One Gillian hated the answer to. “Because she makes me feel incredibly good about myself. When we’re alone, I feel her attention for me in every single moment. Like, I’m all she sees. I’m all she thinks about. When I’m with Finn, I forget the pain of how my marriage ended. I forget that just six months ago, I could barely look at myself in the mirror. When I’m with Finn…I’m happy.”

Jan grinned but didn’t say anything.

“What?”

“Nothing. Please continue.”

Gillian sighed. This was a waste of time. “What’s the point?”

“The point is that your eyes light up whenever you say her name. The point is that I can feel the electricity as you speak about her. The point is…my best friend, who, by the way, is beautiful and deserves so much in life…is happy. She makes you feel wanted, doesn’t she?”

“So wanted. And it’s so intense that when I watch her leave, I desperately want to ask her to stay longer. But yeah, it’s that want in her eyes that keeps me coming back for more.” Gillian tugged the corner of her bottom lip between her teeth. “But maybe she knows that. Maybe it’s intentional. She knows how attracted I am to her, so maybe this is all just a game, and she’s seeing how much she can take from me.”

Jan narrowed her eyes over the rim of her wine glass as she sipped. “Do you really believe that?”

Deep down, Gillian didn’t believe it. But it helped to keep her feelings in check, so she would always lead with it. “Yes. I do believe that.”

“Well, I can only hope that nobody comes out of this hurt. Not you, and not Finn. I don’t know her, but she is making you smile lately, so I want the best for you both. Whatever you decide.”

Gillian squeezed Jan’s hand as she relaxed a little. “Thank you. For always being there for me.”

“Always.” Jan smiled as she scanned the bar. And then she squeezed Gillian’s hand so tight that she almost stopped the blood supply. “You’ve got to be joking! Now I know exactly why we ended up here!”

“What?” Gillian followed Jan’s line of sight, her skin tingling when she saw Finn sitting in the window of the bar, her laptop out and with a holdall at her feet. “Oh. I…didn’t know she’d be here.”

Jan lifted a brow. “Really?”

“Really. Though, it is kind of her local bar.”

“And there it is.” Jan threw up her hands. “Why didn’t you just tell me that you hoped to see her tonight?”

“I didn’t think I would. She asked if she could see me tonight, and I told her I had plans. I thought she would just be at home.”

“Are you going to introduce us to one another then?”

Gillian had to think about that. Introducing Finn to a close friend could complicate this. “I’m not sure. I’m going to need several more glasses of wine before I make that decision.”

Jan slid out of the booth. “I’d better go to the bar then.”

Gillian watched Jan’s back. She hadn’t wanted to pour her heart out tonight. Forgetting about her problems seemed the easier approach to take, but she did feel ever so slightly lighter for it. Then Gillian’s gaze drifted towards Finn. Her gorgeous, handsome Finn. Gillian caught that thought immediately. Her Finn? Oh no. Finn wasn’t hers. Whether Gillian secretly craved that very thing or not.

Still…could she sit here all night and just admire her? Deep down, Gillian wanted to, but what she wanted more was to be alone with Finn.

That would always be what she preferred.

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