Page 4 of The Long Walk Back

She turned down the stove and moved to face him, resting her back against the kitchen worktop. The room was dimly lit, the side bulbs under the units giving off a glow to light up the space. One of Jamie’s school projects lay on the table, drying papier-mâché planets, laid on old newspaper, ready to paint. Looking at her husband, Kate noticed the fine lines around his eyes, the crinkles on his forehead. When they had first got together, she had never imagined that it would end up like this. No matter their struggles, they always got on. Could talk to each other. Tell the other how they were feeling. It was, she’d thought as good a foundation as any way for a life together.

She’d fancied him rotten from the second she set eyes on him, and they had both enjoyed the other’s company. The attraction was there, he was open, funny, caring. It had started off so well she didn’t think it would be anything but good. But then the initial spark had cooled. Lust did that sometimes, like an attendee at a masquerade ball pretending to be something deeper. Till the mask of that initial have-to-have-you-now receded like an ocean tide.

In reality, outside the bedroom, they were very different people, and Kate was getting ready to break it off, realising that their relationship wasn’t lighting the spark she had expected to feel. They’d perhaps rushed into something more than it was meant to be. Had they just kept dating, and not named what they were to each other, it would have been easier. She was busy with work, so was he. She figured it would have been better not to force something that wasn’t a forever kind of deal. They were opposites, people who’d collided, enjoyed each other. She could pull back and let things run their natural course.

Then she was late. Four weeks overdue on her normally regular cycle, and she just knew. A few weeks before, determined to give her boyfriend a good opportunity to bowl her over again, to see for herself what was and could be between them, she had suggested a night on the town. It had gone quite well too, their little pauses in conversation less obvious, but Kate had drunk a lot that night, determined to silence the voice inside her that told her that this guy was not the one for her. Everyone deserved a chance. The next morning, she had woken up with a thick head, a heavy heart and a naked Neil sleeping beside her. And it was too late. Her attempts at silencing the voice had failed. Right along with the contraception. She was the original cliché, knocked-up after their night together.

That definitely hadn’t been part of her plans, especially as she had just secured her dream job as an orthopaedic surgeon at the local hospital in Leeds. Whether she liked it or not, she’d have to juggle a baby and her career, and a partner who had just been cemented into her life. She’d had options, of course. She could have raised the baby alone. Told him of her doubts, but he was a good man, she liked him, they had chemistry. She told herself that she could at least try. Life wasn’t all perfect matches and fairy tales. Fair from it. Abortion wasn’t an option for Kate; she had no problem with people having a choice, supported it, but her choice was to keep the baby, no matter how inconvenient the timing was.

So, they’d gotten married. Neil had been delighted, never sharing her worries or misgivings. Being from a large family, he saw this as the way life was supposed to be; meet someone, get married, have a baby. By the time Jamie came along, they had bought a house together and settled down into the rut that was to be their married life. And a rut it was for Kate. In many ways, she loved being with him. He was a good father, he loved her, they got on, but the thunderbolt was never there for her. She knew it was for him, he told her how he felt all the time. Perhaps her indifference over the years was what killed any remnant they had of the early days and weeks. All she knew was, she had tried.

Surgeons have a reputation for being rather cold, clinical people. Top-of-their-field surgeons are pretty much left alone. They cut and save lives, they don’t get emotionally invested in their patients. Neil saw how Kate was with her work, and took it as an extension of her. It wasn’t a reflection on their marriage, their child, their life together. It was just the prism of her work that distorted how she viewed everything else. At first, Kate convinced herself of the same. It was the stress of juggling this new life, raising the person they made together whilst still putting in the hours. It was a lot for anyone to shoulder. Balls got dropped, kicked under the couch and left to gather dust.

As time went on, they settled into each other’s lives, forging one of their own. Kate knew that her love for Jamie was one of the things Neil adored most about her. There, she came alive for him and shed the surgeon skin. And in the beginning, that was enough for him. It worked, till it didn’t, and he grew resentful of the person she’d always been.

Kate adored her child from day one. Even looking at Jamie now, she was hit by a sucker punch of emotion, a protective instinct that she’d never known she had. Jamie was her world, and now Neil was using that to sling mud at her from across the room. Looking at Neil across the kitchen, she wondered how many of those lines and wrinkles had been caused by her over the years. He seemed to age before her eyes, and she considered what another woman might have seen when looking at him. Maybe she would have loved him more. He could have been someone’s first choice. Did he know now that he wasn’t hers?

‘Are you going to answer me? I’m not one of your lackies, Kate!’

Kate’s head whipped round, her levels of fury rising. He had a chip on his shoulder about her job, and it was raising its ugly green head more and more these days.

‘Don’t talk to me like that, Neil! Of course I don’t want to leave Jamie, but Trevor asked me to help. It’s a short-term placement, the learning opportunities would be amazing, and I can really help people over there!’

Neil snorted. ‘Oh yes, you get to swoop in with your superhero cape, save some soldiers, whilst I stay home, play nanny and then hear nothing but how great you are from everyone we know. Your mother thinks I’m a joke!’

Kate shook her head, shooting daggers at him from across the room. ‘My mother says no such thing, that’s all in your own head for God’s sake, and you’ll hardly be a nanny. Jamie’s at school full-time, and he’s no bother. Besides, you are his father! And please keep your voice down, that son you care so much about is upstairs asleep.’

Neil grabbed his keys from the sideboard and stormed across the kitchen.

‘Where are you going now? I made dinner!’ Kate said to his retreating form.

‘Well, plate it up, Supergirl!’ he said sarcastically, and the front door slammed shut. Kate turned off the heat, and picking up the pan, tipped the contents straight into the kitchen bin. She filled the pan with water and left it in the sink. Heading to the fridge, she picked out the bottle of chardonnay she had left in there and poured herself a stiff glass. It tasted tart on her tongue, and followed up with a gentle lick at her tensed up muscles.

‘Mum?’ Whirling around, Kate saw her son, Jamie, stood there, hair all messy tufts, clad in his favourite onesie. Putting the glass down, she walked over to her child.

‘You should be in bed, sweetheart,’ she chided.

‘Was that dad slamming the door? What’s wrong?’ he asked, his brow furrowed.

‘He didn’t mean to, darling. Nothing’s wrong, he just forgot something at work.’

Jamie nodded, his wide eyes looking at her in question. Kate gave him a squeeze.

‘Come on, don’t worry. Everything’s fine, let’s get you a glass of milk and back to bed.’

Once Jamie was sleeping again, Kate tidied away the rest of the dinner things and poured herself another glass of wine. It was after eleven, and Neil still hadn’t come home or phoned. His sulks could take a while, and he had even taken to sleeping at the office some nights, or on a mate’s couch. Picking up her mobile phone, she dialled his number. It rang and rang; she was about to hang up when he answered.

‘What?’ he said flatly. ‘If it’s not about Jamie, I’m not in the mood to talk.’

‘What happened to us, Neil?’ she asked, her voice small, sounding needy in her own ears. ‘We used to get on so well. We can’t go on like this.’

A sigh came down the line. ‘Get on? That’s the problem, Kate. You always make us sound like friends. You don’t need me, do you? Not really. I used to think what we had was enough, but I don’t think we can get by on good enough any more. You don’t need me at all.’

‘Of course I do,’ she replied, frowning at his question. ‘We both need you.’

‘No, that’s not what I mean. We have a life together, but you’ve never really needed me, have you? Wanted me even? Tell me, if something bad happened, who would you ring first?’

‘You,’ she said. ‘You’re my husband, of course it would be you. Neil, I’ve never lied to you about who I am, or how I feel. I… care for you.’ She closed her eyes. She couldn’t say she loved him any more. Like she had. She never lied.

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