Page 5 of The Long Walk Back

‘Really? You care for me? Not love, no? Not need? Because I think if you’re honest with yourself, I would be somewhere on the list, but not the top. If I dropped out of your life, you wouldn’t suffer, would you?’

‘Are you leaving me, is that what you’re saying?’ Her heart sped up, and she knew what she wanted her answer to be. If he left now, she’d be screwed for going away, but that wasn’t a reason to keep him with her.

‘No!’ The voice barked back, angry. ‘You’re still not listening Kate! You never hear me! I’m not leaving. You are though, you’re constantly leaving. You dip in and out of my life like a side show. We’re married Kate, that means something to me.’

‘I come home every night Neil, if I’m not working. You knew the job I did when we met. It’s demanding, but I’m still your wife.’

Neil sighed, a slow, desperate sounding sigh.

‘No one’s perfect Kate, God knows I’m not. I regret a lot of things. If you want to go on the trip, go. I can’t stop you, I won’t. I just want you to remember this conversation. Think about it when you’re gone. I need you to get this Kate. You can’t keep living like this. We can’t. I’ll be home in the morning to take Jamie to school. When you get back, if you want me to go, I’ll go. But you have to think about this. I think I already know the answer, but I’ll give you the trip to give me an answer.’

‘Neil, don’t go, we need to sort this out! I don’t want you driving when you’re upset.’ She sighed. ‘I can’t end our marriage over the phone.’ The silence was deafening.

‘But you do want to end things.’ His voice was weak, flat. ‘Is that what you’re finally telling me.’

She sighed, holding the phone tight to her ear. ‘I don’t want to keep upsetting you,’ she said honestly. ‘Come home, let’s talk. I can’t go on this trip till things are settled.’

‘They are,’ Neil answered. ‘I have my answer. I still want you to think about it when you’re away, but I doubt distance will change things. I can’t do this any more, it’s not good for any of us. I get it, Kate. We tried. I’ll see you tomorrow.’

Kate was about to ask where he was going to sleep when the line went dead. That was it, then. She’d done it. Ended them, over the phone in a five-minute call. She should be heartbroken, shouldn’t she? Feel bereft? Want to call him back, beg him to come home. There was nothing. Nothing but relief, and huge, gut-wrenching guilt. She had broken up their family, and she felt freer than she had in years. It was done. She’d go on the trip, and deal with the aftermath when she got back. It was better for all of them, in the long term. Perhaps Neil would finally be happy again. She knew she would, even though looking her son in the face tomorrow morning would no doubt kill her. He was the casualty in their war, and she’d just fired the kill shot.

She looked around their home, at the schedules and pictures on the fridge. The photos on the walls, the lines drawn on the door frame that marked the journey of Jamie’s growth. She knew one thing, whatever was going on with her and Neil, she had to be true to herself. Jamie was her priority, but she had to like herself as a person too. She knew what that meant. She knew that this choice was important, but she was used to making split second decisions and living with the consequences. Once she chose to do something, she saw it through. Just like her marriage. Fight or flight. She didn’t run, she faced things head-on. What Neil did with her decision was up to him. It had been made, and no tour of duty was going to change something she should have done years ago. If Jamie hadn’t come along, Kate knew that she and Neil would never have lasted. It hurt, but it was the right thing. Going away would help Neil to see that too.

She took a large calming sip of the wine and scrolled through her contacts before hitting dial. A familiar voice picked up the other line.

‘Kate! Hey stranger, given it some thought?’ Trevor said into her ear.

Kate smiled at her mentor’s upbeat and hopeful voice. ‘Yep, and I’m all in.’

3

COOPER

My throat felt like dry fire. I attempted a cough, but nothing came out, and I felt my heart race. I tried to lift up my head, but it felt as though it was stuck to the pillow. Raising my hand to touch my face, I felt a tug of pain. Looking at the back of my hand, I saw a butterfly drip stuck into it. Trying to focus my eyes, which felt like they had been taken out and dipped in sand, I saw a dim light in the corner of the room. I felt a warm presence on my other hand, and looked to see what was laid across it. My whole body felt fuzzy, with a dim undertone of throbbing pain. My hand, still resting on the bed, looked unnatural, and I realised that the extra fingers didn’t belong to me. I squeezed gently, which was an achievement in itself. The fingers wrapped around mine squeezed back. My gritty eyes followed the fingers up the arm, and I realised a woman was asleep in the chair next to me. Even in sleep, she looked exhausted, pale blue scrubs encasing her lithe body. The hand holding mine had a wedding ring on it I noticed, and I felt a little pang of unexplained disappointment. Pushing the thought away, I tried to make my eyes focus on her again. She was pretty, little snuffles coming from her as she slept deeply. She had squeezed my hand back in reflex, unconsciously in sleep. I wanted to move my hand away, embarrassed by the contact, but I didn’t move. She felt familiar, her touch soothing.

Looking around, I saw everyone was asleep, except for a couple of nurses milling around the area. It was then that I noticed what was missing: the noise. There was no gunfire, no explosions. All I could hear were the sounds of nature outside the tent. I think that this was more unnerving than being woken by the sounds of war, and I kept my ears open for any sound of impending danger. I felt so groggy, and my legs were numb. Trying to lift my head again, I pushed through the pain to look down at my body. Lifting the covers laid over me, I saw that I was naked. They must have cut my clothes off. I glanced across at the doctor in the chair. Had she seen me naked? I almost laughed out loud. The first time a woman had seen my dick in years, and I was unconscious and bleeding at the time. Very sexy. Go figure.

Pushing down the covers again, being careful not to move my hand from hers, I looked down at my legs. I half-expected to see two stumps, but there they were, although one of them looked like it was in a real mess, the whole thing encased in bandages. The shape was off, like someone had shaved off some ribbons of flesh. But I still had two legs, that was a good start. My torso was bandaged too, with a tube coming out of one side. Probably a drain, I realised. I had seen enough injured buddies to realise that a bomb blast ripped through your body like a hurricane, tearing organs, snapping bones, taking the very soul from a man. I was still here, so I would take it from there.

‘Morning, Captain,’ a soft voice said, thick with sleep. I lowered the covers quickly, aware that I had probably just been flashing the crown jewels. ‘It’s Kate. I’m glad you got some rest. You needed it.’

I looked across at her. She was stretching in the chair, hand still on mine, rubbing the sleep from her pretty almond eyes. ‘I didn’t see a thing, don’t worry. How are you feeling?’

I cut her off before she could go into full bedside manner mode. ‘My unit?’

‘You don’t remember?’

‘Remember what?’ I replied, my voice gruff, raspy. It came out harsher than I intended. I wasn’t one for small talk at the best of times, and worry was spiking my adrenaline. The monitor beeped a little faster from somewhere behind my head.

Her face fell. ‘The man you were carrying, he didn’t make it. I’m s?—’

I raised my drip hand at her. ‘I know about Smithy, what about the others?’

She smiled a little then, relieved to have been asked another question. ‘They are all out, safe and sound.’

I nodded, a wave of relief coursing over me. Then I remembered something.

‘There was a boy, on the roof.’ My voice pushed out the words in a croak. Her smile was dazzling this time.

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