Page 30 of The Long Walk Back

It was an odd sensation, having pain in a limb that was no longer there. Part of him had been cut away in the battlefield, and it wasn’t just flesh and bone. He wasn’t the man that fought that day, but the person he was becoming was someone that he liked, wanted to be. He was making friends here with the other patients, the staff. Hell, he’d done a sky dive and taken a beautiful woman out for dinner. He spent time with Jamie, had even shown him how to use some of the gym equipment. They’d bonded over video games, and he was falling for his mother a little more each day.

He should hate her. The Cooper from that day did. He’d despised her for saving him, for making the decision to save his life against his wishes, to turn him into something he didn’t want to be, but now he was glad. He knew she did it for the right reasons, and he had almost made his peace with it. He needed to figure out his next move, sure, but he was convinced that he could do something he would be just as proud of as his career. He found these days that he wanted to stick around, see what happened next. He was adjusting, learning to live this new normal. But for now, all he could think about was recovery. Recovery for him, and the doctor and little boy who had become entwined in his life.

He focused on the pain, forcing his brain to register what he saw in the mirror. Leaning forward, he made a fist, clenching his knuckles together till they went white. He took a breath, and pounded down into the space where his leg would have been. His mind made his body flinch at first, preparing him for the pain that should have come as his hand connected with his leg. He brought his fist up and down again and again, making his mind register the fact that no pain was coming. He looked into the mirror to see the reflected leg, and he pulled it away. His pain dulled as his mind caught up with the reality. He had been doing this most nights now, and the pains were lessening. In fact, he had slept through for two consecutive nights, which was pretty much a record since his injury. He knew that he would have to keep training his body to accept what his mind struggled to see, but he was on the right track. He just had to crack the prosthetic leg, and he was on his way.

He had even been thinking about life after rehab, which was something he had never considered before. When Kate had mentioned moving out of there, living nearby, Cooper had found himself picturing them all living together somehow, but he wasn’t about to put that thought into words, especially to her. It was far too soon. Too fragile. Even though it felt so right, he didn’t want to rush anything. It had to be the right move, at the right time for all of them. They were all broken in their own ways. Healing together.

Cooper already knew that he would give his life for theirs, and they didn’t even belong to him. Not really, though he wished it would one day be true. He sat there on the bathroom floor, knowing that no matter how hard things were right now, better things just might be around the corner. There might just be life after the army after all.

18

Kate’s morning had gone well, and as she headed for lunch with Jamie, she marvelled to herself at just how different the other patients were to Cooper. Was it because of how she felt about him? The other patients were so different to work with, to talk to. When she was around Cooper, she felt more aware of her own body, her own feelings and reactions to him. It reminded her of when she was at school, in science class. The teacher would give them a magnet and a pot of what looked like fine pencil lead shavings. They would pour the black filings onto a white piece of paper, put the magnet underneath. Suddenly, the pile would react, take shape. It moved with the magnet, standing up, like the hairs on the back of her neck did when he touched her hand. From nothing, it changed into something beautiful, and that’s just how she felt. Beautiful. Changed. She just had to get through the next few months, steer Jamie through the storm, and sail off into the sunset. Hopefully Thomas Cooper would want to be on the boat when it set sail. Every ship needs a Captain, after all. For the first time in years, she could choose what happened. Be truly happy, in every part of her life. She still had Jamie, her career. It didn’t look anything like she thought life would post-divorce, but just maybe she could still pull it off. She just had to make sure Jamie would be happy too.

As she rounded the corner to the cafeteria, she found herself looking for Cooper. Jamie wasn’t here yet, probably finishing off a session with his physio, which had admittedly been going badly. Although Jamie was talking to her now, he still sometimes eyed her with a look of distrust, and Kate wondered what her little boy was thinking behind those watchful eyes. Her heart sank a little when she didn’t spot Cooper, but then, she shouldn’t have expected to see him either. He had decided that keeping a low profile while she spoke to Jamie was for the best, and Kate had to agree with him. She knew her son liked Cooper, but as a boyfriend for his mother? Maybe not so much.

The truth was, since the accident, Jamie was a different child. He had every reason to feel and act as he did, she realised that, but she couldn’t help feeling renewed anger at Neil every time Jamie lashed out in anger. Guilt at herself for not being there. Neil had guilt too, she realised, which was why he’d chosen to run off. He called Jamie, but he should be coming to see him. She wouldn’t have stopped Jamie from seeing his father, but the accident was Neil’s ‘Iraq’. Both parents felt the guilt of that day, in very different ways. Not that any of it helped their son now.

Taking a seat in the cafeteria, she smiled as she saw Jamie coming towards her, being wheeled by a stony-faced therapist, George.

‘Hi,’ Kate said, reaching for the saltshaker subconsciously for something to fiddle with. Jamie didn’t acknowledge her, his eyes cast down at his chair arm.

‘Hi, Kate,’ George said, his Jamaican lilt coming through in his deep velvety tones. ‘Not a good morning for ya’ boy. Two cups thrown at me head this morning.’

Jamie snorted and glared at Kate. She glared back, using her best mum scowl, and Jamie’s face screwed up tighter, his gaze intensifying. Kate’s shoulders sagged as she sighed. She didn’t have it in her to argue with her son this morning. She just wished the moments of frustration would dissipate, and she could have more of him back. Looking at George again, she smiled her best pearly smile. ‘Thank you, George, and sorry. I shall of course be speaking to my son immediately.’ She emphasised the ‘immediately’ and Jamie tutted like the petulant pre-teen he was.

George laughed a low rumble and, putting the chair’s brake on, started to walk away.

‘No worries, man, last week it was three. All progress is progress, no matter how small the victory.’ He laughed again as he grabbed a tray in the lunch line. Kate turned her attention back to Jamie.

‘What’s wrong, sweetheart? You can’t treat people like that, Jamie, and you know it. George, everyone, we’re just trying to help.’

He flinched at her words. ‘I don’t see the point in being nice, Mum. They make me work every day, for what? I’m never going to walk again, am I? You know that. So why do this every day? I wish they would just leave me alone. I want to go back to school, to my friends.’

Kate wanted to break down and cuddle him like a baby right then and there, but she held fast.

‘No, you won’t walk again, that’s true, my darling, and I’m sorry. But you can’t give up. You are not a quitter, do you hear me? This therapy is about keeping your body healthy, keeping you active, so you don’t waste away in that chair. Your life is not over, Jamie.’ Her voice raised a little too high at the end, and her son locked eyes with her. She spoke again, gentler this time.

‘Jamie, I know that you have been through an awful thing, and that it’s not fair, but we are alive, and we are together, we have to find some happiness. You will always have me, I will never leave your side again, till you want me to. And then I will be right behind you, cheering you on.’

‘Really?’

The question surprised her.

‘Of course.’

‘You won’t leave, like Dad did?’

The question almost felled her.

‘No, never. Dad… Dad didn’t leave you, honey. I didn’t want to be with him any more, and I guess he’s mad at me. The accident, well the accident upset him too.’ Her eyes narrowed on his face. ‘Do you not talk to Dad about this stuff?’

He shook his head. ‘He says he loves me, and he’s busy working but he’ll come when he can. You’re not going to leave again?’ he checked.

‘No Jamie, I’m not. I won’t lie to you either. I will always tell the truth, when I can. Okay? It’s you and me, bud, that will never change.’

He nodded, and a real, honest to goodness smile lit up his face. She grinned back, hoping what she had to say next wouldn’t wipe it away.

She pushed aside the saltshaker, reaching for his hand across the table. He was warm to the touch, and she squeezed his fingers gently.

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