Page 46 of Sin

“Yes.” My voice is just above a whisper. “Within seconds of getting into bed, he was on top of me, grinding into me and pulling up my dress. I kept telling him to stop.” My throat is so strained that it’s difficult to get the words out. “He didn’t.”

Ethan leaps off the couch and starts pacing the floor, his hands clenching into fists. “Oh fuck, Lily.” He shakes his head, looking dazed. “I’m going to make him pay.”

He means it. I can hear it in his voice, and though his strong reaction is somewhat soothing, it doesn’t stop irritation from flaring over my skin.

“No, big guy.” I try to keep my voice soft. “I know you’re upset, but you can’t make this about you. It’s my place to make Mason pay, and I’ve already done my research. Rape is really hard to prove if you were already in a sexual relationship with the person. It’s basically your word against theirs.”

Twin strips of pink burnish Ethan’s cheeks. “Maybe, but using the law isn’t the only way to make sure he faces consequences. Mason cares about football more than anything. I know if Coach Rodriguez heard this, Mason would be off the team.”

“I can’t believe you of all people would suggest that. Noah told me you’ll get drafted if you finish this season strong. I don’t know much about football, but even my ignorant ass knows a quarterback is important.”

He scowls. “It makes me crazy that you think I’d put my football career over you. Mason can’t get away with what he did. Who gives a fuck about football?”

The idea that Ethan would put me before his football career, a future he’s worked so hard for, makes my heart squeeze in my chest. But then again, it’s probably just his principles guiding him. His devotion to do what’s right at all costs.

“You know Mason would deny it,” I say. “Loudly, too. He’d blast me on social media. And he’s well-known on campus. If I got him kicked off the team, I’d probably be harassed by all the misogynistic gym rats who worship the Hawks.”

Ethan stands up, crossing his arms over his chest. “He’s not as well-known as I am. Or as well-liked.”

I frown. “So?”

“So you’d have my full support. I’ll even go on social media to call him out, and I have my own eyes to back me up.” His jaw clenches. “I saw him grab you.”

There’s a buzzing sound in my ears. He suggested this once before, but I didn’t take him seriously. But that was before I was willing to confront my pain. I wanted to ignore it, pretend it wasn’t there.

Should I come forward? I’ve barely considered it until now, but everything Ethan has said is reasonable. He’s the star of the whole school. It wouldn’t be my word over Mason’s, but mine and Ethan’s.

It would be exhilarating to make that bastard suffer for what he so readily dismissed months ago and has continued to taunt me about. I’d love to see his downfall, but then again…

Everyone on campus would know about what happened to me. It would become a label branded to my forehead—the girl who was raped. With Ethan’s national attention, the whole incident could become a public scandal. It might even follow me for the rest of my life.

I can’t allow that. I’m not the girl who was raped. I’m Lily Greenwood, the girl who was once fun and carefree, and I’m going to reclaim her. No matter what it takes.

“No,” I say firmly.

Ethan’s eyes shut, and he drops his head forward. “Lily.”

My nostrils flare. “Don’t ‘Lily’ me. I’ve already been through enough. Shouldn’t I be able to deal with this on my own terms?” I run my fingers through my hair and grip hard, sending tingles into my scalp. “I hate everything about what happened. I want it all to go away.”

When Ethan opens his eyes, they’re full of pain. “I don’t think it works like that. I think…” He inhales a shaky breath. “I hate even saying this, but I think this might always be a part of you.”

An icy hand clamps around my heart. No, I won’t allow that. I’ve heard the clichés about trauma becoming a part of who you are.

This pain—this fear—it won’t claim me.

“But it doesn’t mean you’ll always be traumatized by it,” Ethan says. “In some ways, it’ll make you more resilient.”

Resilient. What an Ethan word to use. As if everything in life is just an opportunity for self-improvement. As if pain and fear can simply be repurposed into another step toward some ideal version of myself.

This is how perfectionists cope. They have to turn every wound into a lesson, to believe that suffering can be transformed into strength. Otherwise, it’s just suffering.

I take no comfort in lessons, in building strength. What does any of it matter if there’s no joy?

“Lily…” Ethan’s rough voice pulls me out of my head. “I need to tell you something. It’s something I think you already know, but I’m afraid… I can’t end this conversation without telling you on the off chance that some part of you hasn’t accepted it.”

I frown. “What?”

He slips down to his knees in front of me, taking both my hands in his. His eyes burn into mine. “No part of what happened was your fault. Not dating Mason in the first place or letting him come inside that night. Not getting into bed with him or being too small to fight him off. None of it.”

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