Page 47 of Revenge Cake

His words make me shudder, the kindness and sincerity in his tone having no effect. I’m propelled into action. This overwhelming self-disgust is a precursor to panic, and I don’t want to be tempted to grab that tropical drink on the table and down every last drop. I turn away from Logan and grab Dean’s arm, leaning in and whispering, “Do you want to go outside with me for a minute? I need some air.” He nods once before standing up. As I turn to Brenna to let her know where we’re going, I catch the look on Logan’s face, the wide frantic eyes at my sudden flight, but I’m too far gone to feel any sort of satisfaction. My heart is already pounding, my breathing shallow as I try to take gulps of the wet, Tiki air. If I don’t get out of here soon, panic will take over, and I’ll make a fool of myself.

Brenna mouths something about coming with me, but I shake my head. While I could use her comforting presence, I would look foolish and weak. At least having Dean with me will have the desired effect on Logan.

Dean grips my arm as we sift through the crowd. I try my best to avoid bumping into people, feeling even slight contact might suffocate me. After what feels like an endless maze, we’ve finally made it to the sidewalk outside.

My sharp intake of wet ocean air is an instant relief, but not enough to halt the steady rise of panic. The aura has now fully descended, the world around me electric with menace. Even Dean’s sympathetic face looks vicious.

“Are you having an anxiety attack?” he asks.

I shut my eyes, nodding. I can’t see him but I know he’s nodding back. “You’ve been getting them for a long time. Remember that time you ran off at Disneyland and my dad had to chase you?”

Even in the midst of panic, a smile rises to my lips at the memory. I was ten years old and we were all standing in line at Splash Mountain when suddenly I felt like I couldn’t breathe. It was always the symptoms themselves that scared me back then. When my breathing was shallow, I really thought I couldn’t breathe. When my heart raced, I thought I was having a heart attack. Only years later did the true fear settle in—Will I go crazy and, if so, will the people I love abandon me?

“I remember my parents were like, ‘Hol-ly. Shit.’” Dean says. “‘Did the child we were trusted to watch really just jump the turnstile and disappear into the crowd, at fucking Disneyland? They just stared after you at first, like they had no idea what the fuck just happened.”

A giggle bubbles out of my chest. “Your poor dad.”

“Watching him run after you made it all worth it. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him that sweaty.”

Feeling calmer, I open my eyes. Dean’s smiling face looks as benevolent as I’ve known it to be. The aura has receded, leaving me almost giddy in its wake.

“I think only bottled up people have panic attacks,” I say in a rush. “People who are so terrified of vulnerability that they eventually explode with all of their pent-up emotions.”

His smile falters, his brow wrinkling into a questioning frown. “Are you saying that’s you?”

“I don’t know. For some reason I’ve never been able to be completely vulnerable with people I haven’t known since I was five years old. It’s been especially true with boyfriends.”

Dean narrows his eyes as they drift away from my face. “Do you think maybe it’s just that your boyfriend’s an asshole and he made you feel insecure?”

I choke out a laugh at his unexpected question.

Dean smiles. “Seriously. Why the fuck is here tonight? He told you he wants you to stay away from him and then he just shows up here ready to hang out. What’s up with that?”

I smile sheepishly, averting my gaze from his face.

“What?” His tone is suspicious.

“Brenna and I may or may not have used you to make him jealous…”

I feel better after admitting it. What’s the use in hiding it now? Logan isn’t stupid. He knows I’m trying to make him jealous.

When I look back at Dean’s face, his eyelids flutter in an exaggerated eye-roll. I laugh at the sight.

“That’s so something you and Brenna would do. You guys haven’t grown up at all since high school.”

I take a step closer to him, lifting my head and fluttering my lashes. “Don’t be mad,” I say silkily.

He leans in, grinning. “I’m not mad. It should go without saying that you can use me anytime you want. Preferably when we’re…” he trails off as though distracted.

It takes me a beat to understand why he didn’t finish that thought.

***

Logan

Oh, hell no. Don’t you dare finish that sentence.

As I march toward them, his smile falters. Lani’s slower on the uptake, frowning at Dean in question before turning her head in my direction. I don’t waste a moment. “Can I talk to you?”

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