Page 69 of The Infinite Light of Dust

She playfully swatted at him and he grabbed her wrist, bringing it to his mouth, gently biting her skin. I looked away, my cheeks warm. Despite how lonely I was and would continue to be, I didn’t feel even a ping of jealousy around them. Over time I would come to terms with the fact that I wasn’t as lovable as I desperately wanted to be. What a monumental realization to have at such a young age. I knew if I said it aloud whoever was listening would roll their eyes, tell me I had my whole life ahead of me, and promise that someday I would find my true love. What if that wasn’t what I wanted? Was the taste of being loved addictive? Sure, but the pain that came with it didn’t feel worth it to me anymore, and I couldn’t imagine spending my entire life trying to prove to myself and someone else that I was capable of being loved and hoping that they didn’t betray me. Not every story is a fairy tale, not every person has their person. Speaking of pain, there he was.

Kael was sitting on the edge of the couch, staring straight ahead. He wasn’t in a costume, which didn’t surprise me in the least. Dressed in a beige Henley, light-wash jeans, and his usual stark-white sneakers, he hadn’t seemed to notice me arrive, not that he should, but of course I wished he would have. Together or not, we were supposed to be soul mates. His body was supposed to know when I was around, his skin was supposed to crackle, missing my touch, and his heart was supposed to ache knowing that he would never touch me again.

All that being said, he stared at the wall like he couldn’t have cared less who came and went, even me. It was childish and narcissistic to care or expect anything from him, but I couldn’t help it. Even in death, I would wish for him to notice me.

It had been a little over two weeks since I saw him last. Halloween had come and gone, too, but since Mendoza was still recovering, we’d all agreed to wait and celebrate the holiday together. No one had been expecting Kael and me to break up, again, but neither of us would ever cause a scene, not under these circumstances. I couldn’t stop staring at him, waiting for him to look up at me. What did I want him to do when he looked at me? I didn’t have a clue, but I needed him to. Momentarily I forgot that I was painted red and couldn’t find anyone else in the room dressed in a scary costume. I felt like Lindsay Lohan’s character inMean Girlswhen she shows up at the costume party and everyone is dressed as Playboy Bunnies and sexy versions of everything under the sun.

Kael took a drink of his beer and finally lifted his eyes. Confusion flashed across his face as he took me in, then a bit of humor lifted the corner of his mouth. He nodded to me like we were old pals, not lovers, and I couldn’t decide if that was what I wanted or not. I’d been the one to initiate the breakup, and I knew I’d done the right thing, but it hadn’t been long enough for me to be capable of pretending I was over it. I would love him for the rest of my life, that was evident. Our book was nearly closed, and as a romance lover, I hated third-act breakups, but unfortunately for me, I was living one.

I nodded back, lifting my drink cup to him. He did the same with his beer bottle and went back to staring ahead. Even though that was what I’d asked for, it felt fucking awful. My brother’s voice interrupted my pity party as he and Elodie came through the front door and into the living room. Elodie was dressed as a mouse, wearing a light-blue onesie and big floppy mouse ears. Her face was painted, the tip of her nose pink, and white whiskers splayed across her cheeks. She looked freaking adorable, all belly and costume. My brother was dressed as a chef, and it clicked. They were dressed as Remy and Alfredo fromRatatouille.

Elodie rushed to me to hug and double-kiss me. “What a cute idea. And what a hard launch as a couple! Couple costumes and all?” I smiled at her. It felt good to see her smiling.

“We thought we may as well, everyone on this whole post has heard about us anyway.” She winced but seemed to be handling it pretty well, considering.

Austin hugged me, lifting me off my feet. I swatted at his arms, embarrassed and feeling Kael’s eyes on me again.

“You look fucked up.” My brother laughed. “In a scary way.” He bent down to assess my face paint, smiling from ear to ear.

“Oh, fuck off. It’s a Halloween party, not Disneyland,” I teased him back.

Something about his energy had changed. I had no idea what it was, but something was different. More mature, calmer? He and Elodie had been staying in the free side of Kael’s place for the last week, so my house felt extra-empty. My brother was leaving in a few days and as much as I still didn’t love the idea, it had grown on me now that he would need to have a steady income, health insurance, all the adult things he had never cared about having before Elodie. I hated to admit it, but I was grateful that Kael had pushed him to join the Army. Even the silent confession pissed me off. I stared daggers at Kael, and of course he looked over at me at that exact moment. I looked away quickly, and excused myself from my brother and Elodie, telling them I had to pee.

I found my way to the bathroom and locked the door behind me. The breath of relief that fell out of me felt like a lifetime of anxiety being released from my body. I leaned against the sturdy doorframe, reminding myself of a breathing technique I’d seen on Instagram. I closed my eyes and thought,I breathe in, I breathe out, until my breath steadied and I could feel my feet grounding into the tile floor.

The sound of the party outside quieted and my heart rate slowed. If I hadn’t met Kael and he was simply another stranger here, everything would be fine. Still, if I hadn’t met him, I wouldn’t know anyone here, and I wouldn’t have a friendship with Gloria. I also wouldn’t know what it felt like to feel so deeply understood by another person. There was a silver lining after all, even though it fucking hurt to see him acting so casually. Seeing him at all would hurt anyway, but him acting like a stranger was too much. What if someone hit on him? What if one of the sexy nurses or the blond dressed as a hot version of Alice in Wonderland approached him? The thought made me sick.

I gathered myself enough to move away from the door and look in the mirror. My own reflection scared the crap out of me, black and red and utterly freaking ridiculous. I laughed, full-on Joker style. I washed my hands and opened the bathroom door, jumping out of my skin at the sight of Kael towering over me.

“Oh my god!” My hand flew toward him but I stopped before it hit his chest. “You scared the shit out of me.”

“Sorry.” He lazily moved his shoulders up and down.

“What are you doing here?”

“Here as in the party, or the bathroom?”

Of course he would play semantics with me. “Bathroom.”

“I was planning on using it for its intended purposes.” He glanced behind me, nodding to the toilet.

How embarrassing. My ego deflated immediately, and my eyes went down to the floor.

“Oh, sorry, I—”

His fingers were warm as he gently held my chin, tilting my face up to look at him. The touch nearly set my body on fire. It was devastating and soothing.Kill me.

“I wanted to make sure you’re okay. I saw you come in here, and you were in there a while. I was worried about you.”

I sighed, shaking my head a little to release his grip. “I’m fine. Overwhelmed by the party and people.”And you.

“I like your costume,” he said calmly.

I was about to thank him when I caught myself smiling like an idiot. “What are we doing? Acting like we’re friends or like we don’t know each other? I can’t do both.”

He looked around us, confused for half a second before he went back to neutral.

“I don’t know. I have to leave that up to you. I told you what I want but I assume you haven’t changed your mind?”

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