Page 68 of The Infinite Light of Dust

He looked at me like I was a stranger he had never met, never touched, never claimed to love.

“Wow. My father? You’re bringing up my fucking father right now?”

I’d been shocked into silence by my own words. I waited for him to say something else as both of us paced around my living room, but he didn’t. He grabbed his key chain from the table and slammed the front door on his way out. I was still catching my breath as his truck roared to life and he drove off.

An hour later my temper had calmed, and I already missed him. I didn’t feel the closure or the ultimate ending that I’d expected to feel. I felt like complete shit for bringing up his father to purposely hurt him. I stared at my ceiling fan and felt my body sink lower and lower into my mattress, digging my fingernails into my palms until the tears stopped coming.

I texted him an apology but never heard back. I had finally managed to push away the only man in my life who had ever loved me. The real me. I felt accomplished and defeated at the same time. A devastating and shameful mosaic of my parents.

Chapter Thirty-three

Karina

When I arrived at the Mendozas’, I was stuffed full of nerves.

How would things go?

It felt so ridiculous to celebrate Halloween with everything that had happened just a couple of weeks ago. I had practically gone into hiding the last few weeks, only working, sleeping, working, sleeping. I missed the feeling of being surrounded by this group, the first time I had ever found my people. In reality they were Kael’s people, but I was grateful they’d still invited me.

The yard was decorated with fake skulls and headstones and cotton spiderwebs. I briefly thought of my mom, but fuck her. She didn’t get to represent Halloween anymore. She was probably having the time of her life—childless, no responsibilities, living her life with her new boyfriend, pretending I didn’t exist—so I should try my best to do the same. My Uber driver wished me a good night as I adjusted my dress and glanced at my reflection in the window one more time before I climbed out of the car. My face was painted red with black circles around my eyes and thin gray lines across my face from my forehead to my chin. I was a demon, but not a cute one—an angry one. The face paint had definitely looked better in my head, and Pinterest hadn’t been as much help as I’d hoped, but there I was, red face and all, walking up their sidewalk.

The music wasn’t as loud as I thought it would be. Drake played through the windows, and I tried my best to stand up straight as I knocked on the door. I could have rung the bell, but that kind of attention seemed overstimulating to say the least.

“Who’s knocking? Come the hell in!” Mendoza’s voice sounded through the door.

I turned the knob, wondering if they actually wanted me there or if I was making a fool of myself by showing up, but it was too late. I was already in the living room. I spotted Gloria first, dressed as a witch, the sexiest one I had ever seen. The slit on her black dress went all the way up her thigh to show her exposed hip. Her mesh stockings left little to the imagination and she was wearing at least five-inch heels. Black-and-silver eyeliner feathered out like wings traced around her oval eyes.

“Karina, baby!” she cooed, rushing toward me with a clear cup full of red liquid.

The interior of the house was decorated too; red, orange, and black balloons touched the ceiling and there were carved pumpkins everywhere. Some of them were colorful and some plain.

“Wow, you look awesome!” I told her. The tension I thought would exist between us was nowhere to be found as she wrapped her arms around me.

“Thank you. I was supposed to be Morticia but the kids fought me too much to match, and with everything going on, I said fuck it and morphed into a sexy witch instead.” She rolled her eyes. “You look scary as hell by the way.” She laughed, her high ponytail whipping around us.

“I think I went a little too far,” I admitted, a little embarrassed as I looked around the room to see that every woman there was dressed in some version of sexy.

She touched the fabric of my black floor-length gown and shook her head.

“You look great. Plus, if I see one more fucking sexy nurse, I’m going to gouge my eyeballs out.”

“You made it. Happy Halloween, almost Thanksgiving.” Mendoza rolled near me in his wheelchair.

I would never get used to the guilt I felt knowing he would likely be confined to that chair for the rest of his life, but there was nothing I could do to change that.Confinedwasn’t the right word, and I had no way of knowing how Mendoza felt, but I knew how privileged I was even to have the thought. I would make sure I found the right way to discuss this so I was as educated as I could be and not hurt anyone unintentionally with my words.

He looked lively, from the flush in his cheeks to his wide smile. He was wearing a white T-shirt with big green eyeballs on it. It took me a second to realize what his costume was. A brown fabric square was draped over his chair. White teeth were glued to the front. A plastic hook was attached to the back.

“I’m Mater,” he said in a fake Southern accent. “FromCars, you know?”

“Oh my god.” I didn’t know how to react.

I wanted to laugh but felt horrible doing so. It was so creative, and the more I looked at it, I could tell that Gloria had spent a lot of time making it. I was sure the kids loved it.

“What? It’s fucking perfect.” He honked the makeshift horn on his costume, and I covered my mouth.

“It really is,” I agreed, letting myself laugh with him.

“I made it myself. It ruined our family costume, but this is pretty good, right?” Gloria asked, hooking her arm around her husband. She kissed his cheek, and he stuck his tongue out to lick her lips as she pulled away.

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