Page 64 of The Infinite Light of Dust

“Honey, can you take this dreadful swing down for us?”

“Are you sure?” He looked at me, knowing how much I had always loved that thing. I nodded, never wanting to see it again.

A part of me healed as my dad got his toolbox and began to take the swing down. Estelle kept rubbing her hand along my back, a movement that I think would normally have made me uncomfortable, but it didn’t. It felt nice, calming. I couldn’t wrap my head around what had just happened or process the years of abandonment I had felt, only to have that feeling multiply by a thousand within the last ten minutes. My conversation with my mother had lasted less than five minutes; she couldn’t even be bothered to stay longer than that. The sound of the wooden swing falling onto the porch was music to my ears.

I felt so stupid for putting so much emotional value on an object, somehow tying my mother’s memory to the stupid thing. Now that it was on the ground, it looked so worn and useless. It felt like a metaphor for my life, or what I thought my life was.

Chapter Thirty-one

Karina

The day after the confrontation with my mother, I walked into the hotel lobby to find Elodie already waiting for me. I was so damn tired and my entire face was swollen from not sleeping and being hysterical for hours. When I saw Elodie, I instantly felt a little better. She was dressed in a beige floor-length linen dress with a thick brown cardigan on top and white sneakers. Her hair was pulled back, and she was wearing tiny star-shaped stud earrings.

She grabbed me into a hug and squeezed me as if we hadn’t seen each other in months, not days.

“Are you all right?” she asked, pulling back to look at me, then hugging me again.

“I’m fine. Are you? I should be asking you that first.”

She nodded and took my hands, leading me to sit on a couch toward the back of the lobby. I had never been to this hotel before even though it was one of only a handful of decent ones around post. Elodie’s family was staying here for now, and they’d gotten her a room next to theirs for as long as she needed. I hadn’t met them yet, but the timing couldn’t be more awful. I would have loved to meet them under different circumstances, as in, literally any other circumstance.

“It’s nice staying here. Not that your house isn’t my favorite, but I feel more independent, even with my parents right next door. Does that make sense?” She smiled, tucking a piece of her hair back into her ponytail.

“It makes perfect sense. How are your parents handling everything?”

“Actually, not so bad. They don’t understand how no one has caught him, and they’re worried he’ll come find me, but they haven’t forced me on an Air France flight back home.Pas encore, not yet.”

“That’s good.” I offered a small smile. “Do you think they will? Want you to come back with them?”

If I were them, I would likely drag her onto the plane for her own safety. She was only a few weeks from delivering the baby, and her environment was incredibly important, now more than ever. Some parents actually gave a shit what happened to their children, what a thought.

“I’m not leaving.Non. I have many reasons,” Elodie responded, straightening her back and looking into my eyes. “Mon amour, Austin, my job, and you, I don’t want to leave you.” She added, “Any of you.

“I don’t know what the future holds for me, but I know it’s not back home,” she continued. “It soundsfou, no, crazy, Austin almost lost his life because of me, but I can’t imagine mine without him now. The right thing to do would be pack up and run away, but I’m done running. We all deserve a happy ending and I want to at least try for one. So much has been taken from all of us, it’s not fair.”

“Fair left the conversation a long time ago,” I told her, speaking to myself as well.

“I’m sorry about your mom, Karina. The reason I didn’t tell you wasn’t to hurt you. I hoped she would change her mind or realize that she was wrong. It doesn’t make sense, she’s not a good person.”

There it was. I knew my mom would be brought up, but as much as I thought I was ready for it, I wasn’t. It had been less than twenty-four hours since my “encounter” with her, and it still hurt so damn bad. One minute I was fine, reminding myself that nothing had changed, she’d left me once and hadn’t cared, why would I expect her to now? But the next I found myself wondering what I had done so wrong at sixteen that would make her hate me enough to abandon me twice.

You remind me so much of your father.Her words played in my head, again and again. Both of my parents had unfairly punished me over their hate for one another. I had spent my entire life trying to not be like my father, only to have the one person who knew him best throw that in my face.

What made me romanticize the memories of her and who she was? Was it loneliness, or my own way of rationalizing her choice to leave us? I didn’t want to consider the idea that I wasn’t enough for her to want to be a part of our family. She’d made it clear that she had no remorse and felt like she’d done the right thing. I desperately wanted to find compassion for her instead of anger, but after yesterday, all I felt was disgust and shame. Some people weren’t meant to be parents. Some people shouldn’t have kids.

“I’m not upset with you for not telling me. It’s not your responsibility, and it’s no one’s fault but hers.”And mine.

“I wish we knew the reason. Mybébéisn’t here yet, and I can’t imagine doing that. She’s not a mother,” Elodie hissed. “Not a mother at all.”

“I’m sort of learning that there’s not always a reason for everything. People are who they are and we can’t love them out of it. Why didn’t my mom want to have a relationship with me? What about me wasn’t as good as my brother? I’ll never know, but at least now I know that I don’t need to waste any more time guessing what kind of person she is or making excuses for her.”

Elodie rubbed my hair and I leaned against her, not able to put my head on her lap anymore because of how big the baby had gotten.

“Je promets, I promise, your life is better without having to guess about her,” she told me, doing her best to comfort me. “You’re too good for all of us. Too understanding, but that’s why I love you. I’m so sorry that it ended up this way, Karina. I really am.”

“Thank you, Elodie. Can we change the subject?” I asked her, not sure I could handle talking about my mom anymore. I was grateful to have at least one person I could depend on, but if I kept talking about my mom, my brain would explode. I had gone round and round in my own head since it happened and was near my breaking point. I stared at the painted ceiling.

“Sure.” Elodie smiled. “I took my parents to Waffle House, and they loved it.” She grinned. “My mom was scared at first, but they went back twice already.”

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