Page 65 of The Infinite Light of Dust

This made us both laugh. Nothing like a good Waffle House meal to welcome them to the States.

“Are they staying long?” I asked.

“Not sure. I think they’re scared to leave because Phillip is out there somewhere. But according to Toni, he’s been put into a treatment facility. Even though we’re technically married, they won’t tell me anything, so I don’t know if it’s true.”

“Are you afraid?” I asked, my voice barely above the sound of the lobby music.

“A little bit. But there is not anything I can do, so I will just live my life and hope things turn out well for me, for all of us.”

“I wish I could think like that. Every time I hear a noise when I’m home alone I think it’s him looking for you. I tried to work yesterday and couldn’t catch my breath every time the bell on the door went off. I always thought I was equipped to handle trauma, but I’m not. I gave myself too much credit without the experience, and it shows.”

“You can’t measure how strong you are based on how you handle trauma, that’s not fair or reasonable.”

“I would tell you the same thing, but unfortunately, that’s how my brain works. This week has been such a tale of how well I can handle things and it’s made me realize how weak I am, even though I’ve spent my entire life thinking I’m not.”

Elodie looked at me, sighing but not trying to talk me out of my idea. She knew it was no use. Instead she changed the subject again and we both pretended like life hadn’t drastically changed for both of us.

Chapter Thirty-two

Karina

Kael was waiting for me in the lobby at work when I got there. I had been ignoring his calls, so I couldn’t say I was surprised. I wasn’t sure what to say to him now that he had lied to me again. Hiding things from me was lying any way I looked at it, and I was so fucking tired of everyone around me acting like I couldn’t handle the truth. Even if I couldn’t, it wasn’t their choice to make for me. Kael had known my mom was back, had known she had no interest in seeing me, had known about my father’s health failing, and he’d kept it all from me. If this was the first time he had done something like that, I may have forgiven him, but not again.

No matter how much I loved him, I was too tired to continue on this hamster wheel chasing something that I would never be able to be sure was real. Not only could I not trust him, he had done it all under the guise of knowing what was best for me, and if he’d truly known what was best for me, he would have understood that I’d needed some kind of warning and time to process. I was so damn tired of being surprised and having one thing after another pop up and turn my already barely manageable life upside down.

“How can I help you?” I asked him, plugging in the vacuum.

We were opening in less than five minutes, and I still needed to vacuum and wipe down the counters in the lobby. I was working even harder to show Mali that I deserved the promotion she was offering. There were no clients scheduled for the first thirty minutes, so I had time to clean up a bit.

“You haven’t taken any of my calls. I was worried last night but knew you were with your dad and Estelle . . . and your mom,” he said as I turned the vacuum on.

It was much easier to act like I couldn’t care less what he had to say. I would deal with my emotions later, but being cold was the only way to keep myself somewhat sane. The rejection from my mom for the second time and the fact that everyone knew except me, it was a pattern in my life that I was not willing to keep.

“I’ve been trying to decide what to say,” I admitted, putting all my willpower into keeping a neutral face and tone.

I ran the vacuum over the small space and of course, he waited until I was done to speak.

“Karina, I’m sorry. I know you’re probably tired of hearing me say that, but I am truly sorry.”

I didn’t look at him as I wrapped the cord around the holder. “You’re right, I am tired of hearing you say that.”

He stepped toward me, his feet directly in line with the spot on the floor I was staring at to keep myself from looking at him.

“I thought I was doing the right thing. I didn’t want you to get hurt.”

I made a dramatic noise, anger growing in my veins. “Yeah? And how did that work out? How does it always work out when you hide shit from me?”

He dropped his head. “Not well.”

“You keep lying to me, since I met you, and I keep taking it. Every single time. I’m tired of expecting the best from you only to be let down. You’re supposed to be the one person I can trust in this world, yet you have lied to me more than anyone, my dad included.”

“I know it sounds like an excuse, but every choice I made was to protect you. I always had your best interest at heart, Karina. I would do anything for you. You have to know that. I was just waiting for the right time.”

“You—or anyone else for that matter—don’t get to decide what’s right for me, Kael. It always ends up hurting more in the end anyway. Didn’t you learn that the first time? Or the second? How many times has it been now? My father, my mother, is there anything that you’ve actually been honest about since we met?”

“That I love you.”

My heart pounded, my pulse screaming behind my ears.

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