Page 5 of The Infinite Light of Dust

“So far it doesn’t seem like has a clue, but we know that won’t last for long. I don’t know what to do, man. Karina’s losing it, and we should be fucking up Fischer for touching our friend’s wife, but—” I said.

“But we can’t. And we know damn fucking well we won’t. Fischer can’t keep himself out of trouble. I’ll try to handle it on my side and keep the shit from reaching Phillips for now, but it’s only a matter of time.” Mendoza added, “Fischer’s leaving soon for basic, if we can keep them separate until then.”

“And Elodie? I wouldn’t have considered this before but I’m telling you, something is really fucking off with Phillips, he seems even worse than before. You don’t think he would hurt her, right?” I was surprised by my own question, given I was usually the handler of all the shit, not the one asking questions on next steps.

“He’s been fucked up. I told you that, and I wouldn’t put it past him. Don’t forget what he did to Nielson and that Afghani woman he fell in love with. Phillips is the one who told the command where Nielson was hiding, and they were supposed to be friends.”

My stomach turned. “If he does anything to Elodie, I will kill him myself.”

“Correction, bro.Wewill kill him. Let’s play it cool for now—you take care of Karina and Fischer and I’ll try to keep Phillips busy and find out how the fuck he got home so early.”

I didn’t tell Mendoza about my suspicion about Fischer’s dad being involved because of all the shit that would bring up. The guilt that Mendoza struggled with daily, the lie Karina’s father had created and forced us all to not only be a part of but to keep our mouths shut about—those wounds would be torn open again and they hadn’t even properly healed yet. None of us had healed, and maybe we never would. I hated that he was responsible for one of the many open wounds inside of me, and that I couldn’t escape him, not the way I needed to. I would be haunted for the rest of my life by what he had caused, all while Karina and Fischer’s dad was sitting pretty as a retired high-ranking officer. I used to dream of retiring the honorable way, not a fucking medical retirement. I knew I’d needed and deserved it, but deep down it felt like a cop-out. The line between shame and dignity was as thin as ever.

“Does he have a phone yet?” Mendoza asked.

“Nah, not yet. But I’m sure he’ll get it turned back on tomorrow.”

“This is really not fucking good.” Mendoza sounded exasperated, and a lot of his concern must be for Fischer—whom we’d all taken in. Mendoza was the kind of man who would do everything he could for the people he loved, and now Fischer was one of them. Mendoza and Phillips had already drifted apart during our deployment, the latter using his adrenaline and anger as an excuse to shoot his gun many more times than needed. It wore on Mendoza, who was the most righteous of us all.

“Yeah, really not fucking good. I brought Karina and him to my place for now, and we can come up with a plan or try to navigate this tomorrow? Thanks for answering, man.”

“I’ve got you. You always do everything for all of us. I’ll do what I can. We all will.” I could tell Mendoza hadn’t been drinking by his calm, rational thinking. I hoped this wouldn’t make him go inside and pick up the bottle, but knew it probably would.

“All right, talk tomorrow. Call me if anything happens,” I said, hanging up the phone.

When I turned back around Karina was standing in the front of the kitchen, and the look on her face fucking ripped me apart. I have always been able to stand everything that happened to me—having bullets graze and tear at my body, getting shrapnel stuck inside my neck only a fraction of an inch away from an artery, having my leg mutilated—but seeing Karina in pain nearly brought me to my knees. She didn’t say anything, so I walked toward her, reaching my arms out to grab her as her shoulders collapsed.

“How is he?” I asked her, stroking her hair softly with one hand and holding her tightly against me with the other.

“He finally ran out of things to vomit. He hasn’t said a word. He doesn’t know we know, and I don’t know how to approach that. What they did was fucked up, and I should be pissed at him for hiding this from me, but I feel bad for him, for both of them.”

She looked up at me, her green eyes full of small red veins. “And I’m sorry for you too. I know Phillips is your best friend . . . this puts you in such an awkward position.”

“I can go.” Fischer’s voice came from behind us. Karina turned around and I looked over at him, shaking my head.

“You’re not going anywhere,” I told him, meaning it. I’d tie his ass to a chair before I let him go right now, and he didn’t have anywhere to go anyway.

“And neither are you,” I told Karina, pulling her even closer to me. “It’s your birthday, both of you. We can at least order some food or something? Nothing is going to happen this afternoon or even tonight, so let’s try to have some fun, then go to bed and come up with a solution tomorrow.”

“A solution,” Fischer repeated, then slumped his way to the couch.

I was sure if he were able to think clearly he would have caught on that we knew why he was having such an intense reaction to Phillips’s sudden return. Neither of us were saying it, but it was taking up so much air that we could barely breathe.

“I’m not hungry,” Fischer and Karina both said at once.

“I don’t care. You’re not going to starve today of all days, and you can nap after you eat something.” I pulled out my phone and walked into my room to order Chinese takeout. I knew what both of them liked, and I asked the woman on the line if they had any desserts and candles, offering to pay extra. She said she would see what she could do.

By the time the food arrived the silence was nearly driving me fucking mad. I was torn between wanting to tell Fischer to come clean about everything right fucking now and leaving him alone in his misery. Both seemed like the right and the wrong answer. Instead, I turned the TV on and searched forTwilightto comfort and distract Karina. I offered to playCall of Dutywith Fischer, but he sat there, uninterested. The food arrived and they picked at it, barely eating, and the lady who’d said she would see what she could do about a birthday dessert failed me by sending one blob of what looked like melted ice cream on a brown square, so I tossed it and called in reinforcements.

Gloria and Mendoza showed up at my back door less than an hour after I texted them. Gloria handed me a small store-bought cake with a monster truck painted in blue icing on it.

“It was all they had.” She shrugged, pulling out a pack of candles.

“Where are they?” Mendoza glanced around me.

“They’re hibernating on the couch. I forced them to eat something but they’re doing this twin silent suffering thing and it’s driving me fucking crazy.”

“We gotta snap them out of it, especially him.” Mendoza pulled a lighter from his pocket and Gloria pushed the thin colorful candles in all over the cake. It didn’t look like twenty-one, but at this point the number of candles was the least of any of our concerns.

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