Page 21 of The Infinite Light of Dust

In my mind, I was gripping his throat until his eyes went blank, moving my hand to his chin and snapping his neck—but in reality, I let him live but limited his air supply enough to weaken his liquor-fueled body. My mind felt like a vast body of water, a murky lake with no bottom, only mud and endless darkness, waves and silence, waves and silence.

“I’m not going to hurt anyone! I’m fucking around,” Phillips tried to explain, his voice so strained I could barely understand him.

I couldn’t gauge how hard I was squeezing, and I didn’t care. He was the enemy now.

I had never wanted to hurt anyone, even while at war and having to, but the thought of ending Phillips’s life was overwhelming. I felt out of touch with my body as I let go of my grip, and he coughed, just catching his breath in time for my fist to collide with his cheekbone. I felt first a rush of warm blood on my hands, then splatter against my face. Hands pulled at my arms, my back, tugging at my sweatshirt, but I couldn’t stop. I didn’t want to.

Finally I was ripped off him and pinned to the ground. Mendoza, Tharpe, and Lawson were holding me down like I was a rabid animal. I didn’t fight, just lay there catching my breath, trying to get out of the dark water and back to the world, back to Karina. Where was she? It had been a while since I’d had this kind of loss of control and succumbed to the volcano inside of me, but I couldn’t find it in me to feel bad, or to feel anything, really. I had kept it dormant long enough and now that it had erupted, I was numb. The sound of sirens rang through the air, and I could barely recognize Karina as my eyes met hers. She was standing above me as they let me sit up, looking at me like I was someone she had never met. Her face disappeared as I tried to hold on to the memory of it, of her, but the past took over the present.

Chapter Thirteen

Karina

I had never driven drunk in my life. I wasn’t sure if I was even still buzzed after the insanity, but I had spent my whole life proudly never, ever, drinking and driving. But there I was, opening the driver’s-side door of Kael’s massive truck. I hadn’t even started the engine yet but was already so anxious. I was hoping that Kael would come back to me, to this realm of reality. It sucked, sure as hell, but I didn’t want to face it alone, and I didn’t know what to do with the man standing at the passenger side. I waited for Kael to open the door before I started the truck. When the door didn’t open, I climbed back out and walked around to him. He stood there, still as stone, eyes nearly as dark as the sky. It was so quiet, even as everyone scrambled before the MPs could arrive. We needed to go, and fast. I had already witnessed what could happen if the MPs and Kael crossed paths again, and this time, I knew it would be much, much worse.

His wide chest moved up and down in waves, his facial features not moving at all. Wet dots of blood on his cheek reflected the moonlight. A thick chill ran over me, and my fight-or-flight instinct kicked in, but I forced it down, needing to put Kael first.

“Kael.” I quietly said his name. “Kael, we need to go.” I stood in front of him, leaning up on my tippy-toes so my eyes would meet his. He was still blank, no one and nothing in his eyes. He blinked, confusion blurring his features.

“Who are you?” he asked me.

I lost my breath. I had never dealt firsthand with someone in the middle of an episode of PTSD. I had heard many of stories from my clients, but this was entirely different. I loved Kael and he was lost; I didn’t know where to go or what to say to find him. My heart had never been so broken.

“Martin.” I cleared my throat. His attention snapped to me. “Martin,” I repeated as a tiny, tiny bit of life came back to him. “Sergeant, we need to evacuate. Immediately.”

I had no fucking idea what I was saying but it worked, something clicked inside of him, and he moved so quickly to get into the passenger seat that he nearly knocked me over. The sirens wailed through the air as I rushed to the driver’s side and turned the key. Kael’s seatbelt was already on, and his eyes were tracking inside of the vehicle and out the windshield in quick little movements. I couldn’t comprehend what was happening inside of him, but I knew I had to get him out of there.

“I’m going to drive now,” I said in the most neutral, flat, soldierlike voice I could manage.

“Got it.”

I drove away from the Mendozas’ house and got off the post as fast as I possibly could. The heat of my own uncontrollable tears covered my face and flowed down my neck. Not wanting to make any sudden movements, I let them fall. I left the radio off, and time dragged and dragged, making it feel like it took an hour to get to my house. I parked in the driveway even though Kael usually left his truck on the street. Bradley, my neighbor, was walking into his house, so I waved and waited for him to go in, hoping he wouldn’t be able to see the difference in Kael from a distance. The last thing I needed was Bradley, or anyone, getting involved and escalating the situation.

Fear coursed through me as I prepared to look over at Kael and speak to him.

“Martin.” I spread my voice like butter, trying not to alarm him.

His brows drew down his forehead, eyes confused and lips frowning. “Martin?”

Was Kael back?

If so, was he aware that he had blanked out?

My hands were slightly shaking, my heart pounding, as I turned my body to him.

“Kael?”

“Yeah?” He responded as if nothing had happened, as if I had asked him if he wanted pizza for dinner.

“We’re home,” I told him, looking at my yard and house. The porch light was on and the materials for the deck were all over the place.

His eyes met mine and he studied me. I could feel him assessing me. I pulled my gaze away first and climbed out of the truck. Kael met me on the driver’s side at a pace that made me jump. He stood in front of me, his body towering over mine, his jaw ticking as if he had a million things to say but the words were caught, unable to escape.

I reached my hand out, unsure what would happen. Before my fingertips touched him he fell to his knees in front of me, sobs violently overtaking his body. He pressed his head against my torso and his muffled screams shook my body. We stayed like that until he was dry of tears. I rubbed his head, telling him it would be okay, that everything would be okay. I knew I was lying, but I repeated it anyway.

“Where did you go?” I asked Kael as I turned the cold water for the bathroom sink on and let it run over his hands.

He didn’t so much as flinch as the water touched his open wounds. He was seated on the closed toilet seat, and I stood over him.

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