Page 22 of The Infinite Light of Dust

“What do you mean?” he asked, his voice low, eyes not meeting mine.

“Youknowwhat I mean,” I tactfully responded.

I wasn’t intending on opening his emotional wounds after what he had just gone through, but I couldn’t pretend like nothing had happened. His soul had disappeared in front of my own eyes. A chill ran over my entire body as I recalled the uncontrollable difference in him and the release of it on my lawn. Of course I knew he would never lay a finger on me, or anyone except a lunatic holding a gun, but deep down, I wasn’t sure if I believed that after what had happened less than an hour ago. My hands shook as I poured peroxide over his skin and dabbed it with a clean towel. His skin was ripped, and I took a pair of nail clippers from the drawer and disinfected them before cutting the dangling skin.

I went to press a bandage gently over the wounds, and Kael reached for my hands, clasping them in his.

“Are you afraid of me right now? Is that why you’re shaking like that?” His voice was so low, and misery and shame filled his eyes.

My heart sank; the pain was nearly indescribable. “No.” I tried to even out my voice.

“Yeah, you are.” He let go of my hands and dropped his head.

My eyes burned as I attempted to stop tears from pouring out.

“I’m not. I’m . . . Tonight was terrifying. He had a gun. An actual gun, and I was so scared you were going to kill him.” My shoulders shuddered, and my entire body reacted.

As I said it, I realized how big of a deal it was, how badly things could have gone, and a million scenarios ran through my mind, from bad to worse, to bodies lying on the ground—mine included. It was suddenly freezing in the bathroom. I could barely hold myself up, and I held on to the edge of my sink. When I looked into the mirror, my lips were purple and my skin was pale.

Kael stood up and I didn’t move—I couldn’t. He turned the shower on, and the steam filled the small, poorly ventilated bathroom.

“Can I?” He lifted his battered hands toward me.

I nodded, words not coming.

He reached for the bottom of my dress and lifted it up over my head. I felt like I was in a plastic bubble, not quite touching reality but still aware of what was going on. He kneeled in front of me and pulled my leg warmers off one by one.

I put my hands on his shoulders to steady myself and he turned his face up to look at me. “You’re freezing. Get in the shower,” he instructed. His voice softened as he added, “Please.”

I followed his lead and held on to his hand as I stepped over the tub’s edge to stand under the warm water. As the drops hit my bare skin, they burned because of how cold I was, but after a minute or so my body warmed up. My shoulders finally stopped shaking and my breath was coming out more evenly as I closed my eyes and let the water attempt to wash away the traumatic experience we’d just had.

I had no idea how much time had passed, but the air was so thick with steam when I opened my eyes that I could barely see the curtain. I pulled it back and saw the outline of Kael’s silhouette leaning against the wall, his head lifted and resting against it.

“Kael,” I said, reaching my arm out of the curtain and toward him.

He turned his head quickly, stepping toward me, foggy steam swirling around him.

“Come in?” I asked, needing to be close to him. Now that a little bit of the shock had worn off, I desperately wanted him to be close to me.

Silently, he undressed and stepped into the shower. He stood behind me, still not saying a word. I turned around to face him and cupped his face. His eyes dropped closed, and I brushed my fingers over his skin. I felt guilty for making him feel like a monster, but I didn’t know how to say that without taking away from the seriousness of what had gone down. On top of that, there was the Elodie and Austin situation—were they okay? I reminded myself there was nothing to be done about them in this moment, so I allowed myself to have a moment of peace with Kael; we both needed it.

“Turn around,” he said, eyes still closed.

My heart sank. “Kael, I’m not—” I began to explain myself, but he interrupted me.

“I’m going to wash your hair,” he said, and leaned down to grab my shampoo from the edge of the bath.

I turned around and put my face in the water. His hands clumsily rubbed my scalp, but after a few seconds it became more natural. The smell of my shampoo filled my senses; the scent of the lather was incredibly relaxing. Circling my neck, I let my shoulders relax into the sensation. All the worries of the night washed away, rolling down my wet, warm skin as he unhooked the showerhead and rinsed the suds from my strands. It felt so, so good. His hands moved my soaking hair to the front of my shoulder, and he massaged my neck. As a licensed therapist, I was surprised how good he was, hitting all the right pressure points and pressing and kneading exactly where I needed relief.

“Thank you, that feels so good,” I said, as the water rushed over my face.

Kael’s hands moved down to my shoulders and he continued to show me a deep level of intimacy that I couldn’t have fathomed had existed before knowing him. It wasn’t the first time he’d done this, but it still felt so new to me. Was this our new thing? How would I ever be able to bathe or shower alone after being so pampered by him?

“My pleasure,” Kael said, pressing his lips against the spot between my shoulder blades.

I hesitated to say it, but he knew how religious I was about my shower routine. “Can you do the conditioner too? Otherwise my hair will be a tangly mess. I can also do it myself, I appreciate you even—” From behind me his hand clasped my mouth before I could finish.

I laughed against it, and he grabbed the conditioner bottle, reading the label to make sure it was the right one. Once it was rinsed out, he ran the loofah filled with body wash across my entire body. I held on to his shoulders as he washed my thighs, my calves, and even my feet. I felt like crying again. I really needed to get a handle on my emotions, but tonight had just been too much. Once he was finished he tried to hand me a towel from the rack outside the shower curtain, but I pulled at his hand, taking the towel gently and tossing it onto the floor. Confusion filled his face and I waved my finger for him to switch spots with me.

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