Page 70 of The Infinite Light of Dust

“No. I haven’t.”

“My ma said you called her.”

I snapped my head up. “Yeah, she told me I could call her whenever, so I did.”

“I wasn’t telling you not to. If anything, I’m glad you did.”

“Did she tell you what we talked about?” I asked, my gut telling me she would never, but my mind needed the verbal confirmation.

“No. And even if I asked, she would never tell me, so please don’t worry about that.”

I didn’t know what to make of the way I felt. Being there, standing in the hallway of a party with Kael, was way more calming than roaming around, being forced to be social, but it was incredibly selfish of me to use his presence while keeping him at a distance emotionally.

I wanted so desperately to hug him, to take his hand and run away from our past, the pain we’d caused each other, the lies, but I couldn’t. I had to absorb the deep sting of longing inside of me and swallow it down. I wasn’t meant to be with anyone, and that felt abundantly clear.

“I’m leaving in a few days. I wanted to make sure I was the one who told you.” He caught me by surprise.

I’d known this time was coming but hearing it out loud still wrecked me. I nodded, internally screaming but managing to keep my face straight. “Thanks for telling me. I’m relieved I don’t have to find out another way.” I stared past him when I said it.

I wasn’t trying to rehash anything, but it was true. I would have been much more devastated if I would have heard it through the grapevine, or if he would have just disappeared without a warning.

“I’ll come back to see your brother off, if you’re okay with that. I don’t want to cross your boundaries, but I would love to be there when he leaves for San Antonio for basic.”

Kael was leaving, my brother was leaving, my mother had reappeared and left again. I tried to come to terms with the fact that I was going to be alone again, without Elodie, maybe soon without even my dad.

“Of course you can be there. I’m not going to keep you away from him. I wouldn’t do that.”

Kael nodded and took a small sip of his beer. The music got louder, and the group was obviously getting more intoxicated as the minutes passed. I spotted Elodie and my brother out of the corner of my eye and Kael followed my attention to them.

“I’ll let you get back to the party,” I said to Kael, not knowing what else to say to him. I hated how awkward it felt, but also hated the idea of never seeing him again.

“I don’t want to get back to the party.”

“Me neither, but I don’t know what to say to you. It’s like I’m walking on pins and needles and you must feel the same way. I know you’re sorry, and I accept that, but I don’t want to tempt myself or confuse you, so I need to go. This isn’t fair to you, either, that I’m clinging to you here when you should be enjoying your limited time with your friends,” I rambled away to him like I always did. I didn’t know if I could turn it off once I began, but I was relieved to find that I could still be honest with him.

“There’s no one else I would rather spend time with than you, Karina. Not here in this house, not in this state, not on this fucking planet.”

His words whittled away at the tiny bit of composure I had left. I forced myself to go through the list of reasons why we couldn’t be together, why I couldn’t let his words change my mind, then walked away from him, without a word, without a glance, and kept walking until I found myself at the end of the block, calling an Uber to take me home.

Chapter Thirty-four

Kael

The day had come for Fischer to leave, and to say I was proud would be an understatement.

Was I also worried? Hell, yes.

Was I anxious? Absolutely.

But most of all, I was relieved that he would have a steady paycheck and a source of stability. When I pulled up to Karina’s, Elodie, Fischer, and Karina were in the front yard. The sight of Karina standing there nearly broke the composure I’d convinced myself I could maintain throughout the day, and I hadn’t even gotten out of my truck yet. It hadn’t been long since I last saw her at Mendoza’s, but each day felt like a year.

I tried my best to understand where she was coming from, and recognized that I sure as hell didn’t handle things the way I should have with her, but I hated that she was so cut-and-dried about it. It was my fault for underestimating her ability to handle the chaos unfolding among her family, but I loved her and wished she wouldn’t have completely ended things. I respected her enough to follow her rules but that didn’t mean it didn’t drive me fucking crazy every time I thought about her. Settling into my life in Atlanta had technically gone smoothly, but there was something missing. Karina. I tried to keep myself as busy as possible by starting the demo on my house the second I moved in, but nothing quite worked to keep her off my mind.

“Martin!” Fischer’s voice broke my train of thought.

I turned my ignition off and climbed out of my truck. Karina’s stare burned into me as I approached, and I tried not to focus on the tight black jeans and turtleneck that were practically poured over her body, clinging to the curve of her waist and accentuating her breasts and thick thighs. God help me, she looked stunning. She always did, but I could tell she’d spent extra time blow-drying her hair, lining her eyes, and blushing her cheeks. She had to be as on edge as I was—probably more so, considering it was her brother leaving, after all.

The day she found out he’d enlisted felt like a lifetime ago. That had been the first crack in the trust I had tried to build with her, but looking back, I can honestly say I would do it again without a second thought.

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