Page 15 of The Infinite Light of Dust

“My relationship with Austin started slowly. I know it’s wrong—” Elodie sat on the edge of the massage bed in my workroom with her legs dangling over the edge.

We were both between clients and had about twenty minutes until our next ones.

“I’m sorry for keeping it from you. This was the last thing I thought would happen.”

“You don’t need to apologize to me. I’m not judging your character.”

“I don’t know where to start.” She sighed, worry etching her beautiful face.

“You know you don’t need to explain or defend yourself to me, El. I only need to know what I can do to help you, both of you.”

I put my hand on her shoulder, and she squeezed it gently with her own.

“I can’t believe I didn’t realize what was going on. I always say how perceptive I am but looking back, even at the camping trip, it was so obvious. But . . .” I tried to bring my thoughts back to the issue at hand. “This isn’t about me, the important decision you need to make is what doyouwant? Do you want to try to make things work with your husband or be with my brother?” The sentence felt so ridiculous that I lit another candle to try to make myself feel a little calmer.

I had spent the last forty minutes moving things around on my shelves and making sure my new mood light from Walmart worked effectively. It cast either pastel or stormy colors on the ceilings and walls. I was definitely in a stormy mood, so I set it to that.

“I know what I want, but I don’t want to ruin Austin’s life. This is bigger than what I want, and he’s leaving soon, so I can’t expect him to change his whole life. And I’m having a baby. Phillip’s baby.” She pressed her hand against her round belly. In tumultuous moments like this it was somehow easy to forget that soon there would be another person, a newborn baby, here to add to the equation.

“I’m sure my brother doesn’t see this as life ruining. He’s not the most responsible person.”

Elodie winced at my words. I wasn’t helping but was trying.

“But even though I was blind, I can tell he is different with you.” I explained, “I’ve never seen him take care of anyone but himself, but he’s been trying with you.” I put my hands in my hair, pulling the rubber band out and redoing my ponytail to distract myself. “This is coming out wrong, I’m sorry. You should ask Austin what he wants before assuming you’ll be ruining anything for him.”

“This is such a mess that I didn’t mean to make.Je n’arrive pas à me décider.Maybe I should go back to my parents? Maybe they were right the whole time.”

I stayed quiet while she processed her emotions in real time. She went back and forth from French to English. I couldn’t relate to her stress level and I didn’t have a solution to offer her, so it was best to let her vent.

“I can’t be with Phillip anymore. For so many reasons. Not only because I had an affair and betrayed him.” She looked around the small room, her eyes landing on the cloudy ceiling. “But I love someone else. Not just an affair, I love Austin more than I knew was possible. I have never felt so much for anyone, except my child.”

Austin was so lucky to be loved by someone with a heart like Elodie’s. I wanted to say that, but she continued.

“I’m never going to feel safe with Phillip again. If he even wants to stay married, that is. I don’t know if my baby will be safe here either.” Her shoulders shook.

I reached for her hand and squeezed it. I couldn’t imagine the complexity of what she was feeling, trying to tie right and wrong together, trying to balance what she “should” do and what she wanted to do.

“Would you be happy if you went back to France? Is that really viable?” I asked her, doubting that she would make that choice.

“I’m not going to be happy anyway. I will never be happy, Karina. I need to accept that.” She whispered under her breath,“Je ne me sens plus chez moi en France.”

“What does that mean?” I asked.

“I’m no longer at home there, I feel so much more at home with you.”

“I love having you. You know that. But what makes you say that you’ll never be happy? You’re so young, you have your whole life ahead of you. Sure, you’re going to struggle, we all do. That’s our rite of passage as human beings, but what on earth makes you so sure that you’ll never be happy again?”

“Because, Karina, I know how it feels to be in love now, and to be loved. Now that it’s been taken from me, I’ll only know the bitterness of regret and remorse. This is the punishment I must accept for the actions of my heart,” she explained, sadness overcasting her words.

I was speechless for once, not knowing what to say or how to react. I also now knew how it felt to be loved and to love another, and if that was taken away from me suddenly, without warning, I would feel the same. I usually had some sort of advice, something to add or offer, but I was blank.

“Is it awful that I wish I would have had a little bit more time? Just another week, another day, or even another hour with Austin, in that bubble of happiness? That’s all I keep thinking. I know it’s wrong, but I was so happy. For the first time in my life I felt like I wasn’t lost anymore. Like I was capable of being happy and a good mom, like I wasn’t completely crazy for moving here. It felt like things made sense, and now I’m scared again and miserable and can’t believe I’m bringing a baby into this situation. I never thought I was a bad person, but I am.”

I moved to hug her, petting her soft hair with one of my hands. Her stomach, as full as ever, pressed between us. “You are not a bad person, Elodie. Life is complicated and uncontrollable. I know your guilt is crushing you right now, but you are not a bad person.”

“I’m sorry for everything. I didn’t mean for this to happen. Thank you for being here for me.” She hugged me tighter and I felt the warmth of tears touch my neck.

“I’m always going to be here for you. No matter what. You’re not alone and never will be, this will take a bit to figure out, but I’ll be here every step of the way,” I promised her. “Je t’aime. That’s how you say it right?”

---