Page 14 of The Infinite Light of Dust

“That’s exactly it. I don’t know what the fuck I’m supposed to be doing? And not just about the fact that my wife hates me now, but Iliterallydon’t have a clue what the fuck I’m supposed to be doing? Like even now, I’m eating . . . then what? I don’t have to report to the company until tomorrow, what am I supposed to do all day?” He scratched at his head and stared at the numbers counting down on the microwave.

“You’re going to help me and Fischer today. If you want to have a place to live, you’ve got to help us finish the flooring next door. If we bust our asses we can get everything done in a week.”

“If she even wants to live with me anymore. You should have seen the way she was looking at me, like I was some fucking psychopath, like she had never met me before.”

“She hasn’t met this version of you before. And you need to think about how she must feel. That makes it easier to process, if you try to put yourself in her shoes. The man she married didn’t come home, you were drunk off your ass. Did you really try to force her to have sex with you? Just because she’s your wife does not mean you can sexually assault her.” I felt my anger bubbling but tried to keep it at bay, knowing it wouldn’t be helpful right now.

He shook his head. “I didn’t assault her, but I was way out of line. I’ve sent her so many apologies but she still doesn’t want to see me. I was wrong, that’s for damn sure, but I don’t know how to get her to forgive me and make her understand that nothing like that will ever happen again.”

“Can you guarantee that?”

He nodded, his eyes dead set on mine. “Yes. I fucking missed her, and you know it’s been a while.”

I clenched the countertop. “That’s not an excuse for what you did.”

“I know, I know.” He threw his arms up in defense. “That’s not what I meant. But it will never, ever happen again.”

“I’ll kill you myself if it does, and if I’m gone, I’ll turn you in and have someone else do the job for me.”

The microwave interrupted the tension for a second. “I fucked up, I know. I’m going to be on my best behavior from now on, and I’m not going to drink again.”

“And give her space and the time she needs,” I added.

We were both quiet as the food whirled around in the microwave between us.

“Martin?” He said my name in a whisper and his gaze was far away. “Do you ever want to go back?”

“Back where?”

“Over there.” Phillips jerked his head toward the front of the house, but I knew where he meant.

“To be honest, yeah, sometimes. I feel a bit lost here, trying to figure out who I am without the uniform, what my purpose in life is without the guise of fighting for freedom that will never come.” I leaned my arms against the island.

“I keep thinking I should have stayed. When I got called into the tent, I said yes right off the bat. But now I think I might regret it. It might be because it’s so new, but at least there I knew what I was supposed to be doing.”

“Who called you in?” I asked, even though I knew who’d orchestrated the entire thing; all roads led back to Karina’s dad. No one else cared about a low-level PFC coming home early. The question was why? You don’t just happen to get called into your commander’s tent with orders to leave early from a goddamn war.

“Our commander. I didn’t get a lot of information and I didn’t ask, I was just ready to get the fuck out of there at the earliest possible time. I hopped on a plane and here I am. But now I’m supposed to be a husband, and a father soon.” The pure panic in his eyes was very clear. Truthfully, even if I didn’t know about Elodie and Fischer, I would be utterly terrified.

“Let’s focus on one thing at a time. Today we get the shit done next door. Fischer will be here soon to help. He’s gotten damn good, he’s nearly faster than me at all this.”

“Speaking of Fischer, he’s so different now. I didn’t know him much before, but I met him at Mendoza’s right before we left last time, and he was just a kid. Now he’s . . . I don’t know. Not to sound like a whiny bitch, but I swear he doesn’t like me.”

I considered asking Phillips more about Karina’s father and if they’d spoken directly, or if my paranoia was making him more of a game maker in our lives than he was, but decided not to yet.

“You sound like a whiny bitch, one hundred percent.” I laughed a little, not because it was funny, but because all our lives were so fucked up right now.

“And you’re fucking his sister. How does that work with you two being so buddy-buddy?”

“I’m not fucking his sister, I’m in love with her. We’re together, not only fucking. So it doesn’t matter what her brother thinks about it, or what anyone thinks.”

Phillips began to talk with his mouthful of food. “I’m not judging or saying shit. I’m curious because you’ve never even looked at a woman, even Turner, who wanted to rip your clothes off many, many times. What made you fall for the Fischer girl?”

“Karina,” I corrected him. “Her name is Karina, so call her that and only that. And everything. Everything about her made me love her and makes me love her more every day. So keep that in mind when you mention her name in front of or behind me. Now stop asking me about my love life and eat so we can get shit done.”

Chapter Ten

Karina

---