Page 26 of Beautifully Devoted

“Why didn’t you?” Cam takes a seat on my bed, but I stubbornly keep my chair facing the desk instead of spinning to face him. “Kitcat?”

“Robots are stupid.” Apparently, I don’t have to be agitated to be a brat.

“That’s rich coming from the guy who has an R2-D2 text notification.”

“It sounds cool.” I dig my heels in, still facing the screen that indicates my video is ready to upload.

“Right.” I can feel Cam’s eyes roll even though I’m not looking at him. “So, you weren’t pushing me away cause you think we’re too dependent on each other?”

What the…

I swivel the chair so I’m facing him, meeting his eyes for the first time since he stepped into my room. Their deep brown intensity rattles me to the point I blurt out the first thing that comes to mind. “I didn’t push you away. You left.”

“I invited you to –”

“You left. After you promised you’d never leave.”

Cam rears back like I hit him, and yeah, maybe pulling out that promise from when we were kids is a low blow, but that doesn’t make it any less true.

“I didn’t leave you,” Cam’s voice is low and level, like he’s talking to a spooked animal. He probably feels like he is, considering this isn’t the first time he’s had to talk me off this ledge.

The first was when his parents toyed with the idea of sending him to private school, which my mom couldn’t afford, and I got so worked up over the idea of being separated I damn near gave myself a panic attack. Then there was redistricting, when the school board almost drew a line that would put us in different schools. They did actually draw that line, but Cam’s parents helped my mom petition to have me stay where I was, and they were so persistent about it that the school board gave in.

Most recently, it was over college. Cam would’ve been fine to leave football behind after high school, but I didn’t want to play without him. Fortunately, he’s talented enough that he was getting scouted on his own, but we made it a point to tell every school we talked to that we were a package deal. Truthfully, I’m still surprised that it worked and we got offers for the same place. I guess even the coaches recognized that I need Cam like I need air.

Is my attachment to him unhealthy? Undoubtedly. And I know I’ll have to grow out of it at some point, I’m just not ready yet. Bottom line is, the idea that I’d push him away before I absolutely have to… It sends my mind spiraling.

“You did,” I insist. “You ran off to chase a dick.”

“I ran off to see a robot, not chase a dick, but even if I had, you told me to. You can’t be pissed at me for doing what you wanted.”

“I can if it means you leave.” Despite being fully aware I’m a rambling, hypocritical mess right now, I can’t get my brain to act logically. I can’t reconcile my words with Cam’s actions, even though there’s a tiny rational part of my brain that knows one led to the other. It’s just getting drowned out by ten-year-old me who still has nightmares about being left behind by the guy he idolized.

“Dammit Kitcat, shut up and listen. I didn’t leave, leave. I tried to do like you wanted and not be so dependent on you that I literally can’t function when life takes us in different directions, but I made it all of an hour before it felt so wrong I couldn’t do it anymore. I’d rather rip the Band-Aid off in a few years than try to prepare now for life after college.”

“Prepare for…” Though my initial panic is somewhat subdued by his confession that he couldn’t make it more than an hour without feeling my absence, the life after college thing prevents it from receding completely. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

“Aren’t you pushing me toward Aiden so it’ll be easier to do our own thing later on?”

“Fuck no. As far as I’m concerned, life after college will be no different than how it is now, except we have jobs instead of classes and live in a nicer place and shit. And I already told you that thing with Aiden was just a get your rocks off with a guy thing.”

“Is it that important to you that I explore things with a guy?”

“It’s important to me that I don’t hold you back.” Yes, that totally contradicts how I feel about not being ready to share Cam, but I still want him to be happy, even if I don’t know how those things can coexist.

“Why would you think you’re holding me back?” His head falls to the side like a dog when it knows you’re talking to it but only understands two of the ten words.

“Because you didn’t tell me about liking guys. And you haven’t been with one yet.”

“I told you, I haven’t found anyone I wanted to explore with.”

“Were you even looking?”

“Not specifically.” He shakes his head once.

“Why”

“No reason.”

---