Page 24 of Beautifully Devoted

“Cool,” I trail off, racking my mind for something to say next since we’ve hit the limit of my interest in computers and engineering. “Can I take a picture to show Jagger?”

“Sure. I’m surprised he didn’t come with you. I don’t think I’ve ever seen one of you without the other.”

“It’s rare, but it happens.” An awkward little chuckle makes its way past my lips as I think back to what he said about wanting to edit videos instead of coming here. It was a total bullshit excuse to flee, since we usually edit them together. I’m not sure he knows how to do it on his own. And the only reason I didn’t call him out on it is that I don’t know why he lied. Maybe it was due to him wanting me to experiment with Aiden…

Could he have thought this was a date and he’d be a third wheel? I guess I did say I wasn’t sure how I felt about Aiden, but Jagger has to know if I’d made up my mind to make a move, I wouldn’t have tried to do that in front of him.

Speaking of moves, I’m not sure making one on Aiden is the best idea. Despite being smart, funny and cute, I don’t feel a spark. That’s not a deal breaker. I’ve hooked up with women without feeling one, the idea of sex being enough on its own to take action, so it’s not impossible to imagine I could do the same with Aiden. And I did get a little excited last night when I pictured him giving me a blow job because—blow jobs.

But considering we exist in the same social circle, I’m not sure it makes sense to take this any further. Fooling around with someone you’re unlikely to see again is vastly different than fooling around with someone you know you’ll see regularly, so entertaining this idea could backfire in a big way. That said, what if this is one of those things that I won’t realize I want until I try it? Maybe I would feel something if I just went for it.

“Cameron.”

“Huh?” I blink the room back into focus when I hear my name spoken loudly.

“Did you take your picture?”

“Oh, right.” I fish my phone out of my pocket and snap a few photos to show Jagger later, though as I scroll through them, I can’t help thinking they’re a poor reproduction of the real thing. Something you have to see in person to truly appreciate.

The thought is vaguely familiar. A whisper so faint, I have to strain to hear its message, and when it registers it’s accompanied by an uncomfortable throbbing in my chest.

I said almost that exact thing to Jagger yesterday, when I was telling him about a joke I made.

Racing through years of memories, I can’t find a single one where I said those words. I can’t recall a time when he wasn’t right by my side to witness whatever made me laugh, or think, or smile. Yet for the second time in as many days, I have something I want to share with him that he didn’t observe firsthand.

The realization makes my body feel numb, like it’s on the verge of falling asleep because it’s being deprived of something vital to its survival.

Jagger has joked about us being codependent, but I never thought there was any truth behind it. I always thought of it as a self-deprecating way to shrug off comments about the two of us being joined at the hip. But standing here, a restless void making my extremities feel twitchy, I can’t help thinking he might not have been joking at all.

Do we know how to function without each other? Can we?

If I feel like this only a few hours after I last saw him, what’s going to happen after we graduate? After he finds someone to settle down with? After someone takes my place.

Logically, I know I’m overreacting. It’s not like we’ve never been apart, but we’ve never consciously decided not to do something together. We may have had obligations take us in different directions, but we’ve never deliberately chosen different paths until this afternoon.

I fucking hate it.

But I’m going to have to get used to it.

It might not be tomorrow, next week, or next year, but it won’t be long before we’ll have to choose where life takes us. Or rather, I’ll have to choose whether to follow Jagger wherever he goes, and I’m not sure that’s as realistic to do anymore.

Is this what it will be like to break away from him? Sharing pictures that can never be enough because you just had to be there?

I start when I feel a hand on my arm. “Are you okay?” Aiden asks. “You got a little white and unsteady.”

“Yeah.” I scrub a clammy hand down my face with a ragged exhale. “I think maybe my blood sugar is too low,” I fib, “I didn’t eat anything after our workout.”

“Want to sit down?” Aiden gestures to one of the workstations. “I can grab you some chips or granola from the vending machine. Or we could go grab a bite?”

“Vending machine is probably safer.” I sink into the chair he pointed at, so he doesn’t have to worry that I’ll topple over.

While Aiden goes for snacks I concentrate on my breathing and try to get my heart back to its normal rhythm.

What kind of man panics at the thought of not having his best friend glued to his side?

This isn’t like me. Between the two of us, I’m usually the rock. The one who gets leaned on, not the one who does the leaning. Yet, right now, I feel numb without Jagger here. And not just because of the fact I’m used to being a rock when he needs it, but because experiencing things without him just feels wrong.

After his dad left, mine stepped up to fill the void, so Jagger was right there for everything we did. Family vacations, outings to a game, so many dinners and overnights I can’t even count them. Jagger was there for all of it. From the trivial to the monumental, he was always right there, and it fucking hurts that he isn’t here now.

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