Page 56 of To Have and to Hold

I glanced up into her eyes, searching.

Her voice broke. “It probably makes me a horrible person, but I can’t do this. I am not your partner, your girlfriend, your love, if you won’t let me be there for you during your worst moments. You’re pushing me away and I won’t let you keep slamming doors in my face and pretending like I don’t know the true reason why you’re stumbling around, furious, and needing your best friend to punch you in the face in order to get it together.”

“It’s been four days,” I said, stunned. “You can’t expect me to be normal, to handle this news like it’s a weather report.”

Her voice rose. “Is that what you’re hearing coming out of my lips? I’m trying to tell you that you don’t want me here, Spence. I…” she paused, her throat too swollen to continue. “I’m not the one you want.”

“That’s not true.”

“Who is she?”

I said, “We met in class, freshman year. She needed me to tutor her in one of her elected courses because her grades were slipping.”

“Keep. Going,” Noelle said through her clench.

“She was my college girlfriend.”

“Give me more than that,” Noelle said. “For once, use more than a sentence, Spence, or I swear to God I’m going to take a swing at you.”

My head pounded. I resisted lifting my hand and putting pressure on it. Nor did I look down, or at a spot past her shoulder. “We met in the evenings. Emme would talk to me, just idle chatter, and I’d fall into whatever she was saying. Didn’t matter what. It scared the shit out of me. Simply wanting to hear a girl’s voice. Wanting to see her—I found myself missing her when she wasn’t around and anticipating the small moments she was. At some point, I realized it was more than hooking up I was trying to avoid.”

“You were falling in love with her.”

I hesitated. “Yes. And three years after that…I proposed.”

Noelle’s expression folded in, an internal collapse that I couldn’t prevent. “Your fiancée,” she said, but it was through a breath of hurt. “That’s who she is.”

“We broke off the engagement years ago. That’s how long it’s been, Noe.”

This time, her headshake was slow. Sad. “I don’t think the time lapse has done anything to prevent your feelings for her.”

“I’m sorry I kept this from you. I should’ve told you from the beginning. But I’m not going to debate my feelings about her. Emme hasn’t just run away or left an angry note and absconded overseas for a few months. She’s been kidnapped. Forcibly taken, and you know how we figured that? Because her blood was left behind. Her struggle is all over that loft.”

“How dare you?” Noelle was halfway to storming out. “You think I’m confiding this stuff to you because I’m angry all your attention is on her? I know she’s in danger, I know she’s being put through something no woman should ever endure, so don’t you fucking stand there judgingme because I’m getting to the truth. I want you to find Emme and for her to be all right. What I don’t want is to trail along behind you or stand beside you like some pathetic second choice.”

“You know damned well I wouldn’t drag you along or give you false promises. You’re in my life for a reason. Sit, please.” I stood, but only to urge her down.

“You don’t love me.”

I shook my head. “Don’t do this.”

“In an entire year, you’ve never said it. So, say it.”

“Noelle.”

“Yeah, I know you have a terrible past—don’t you dare turn away just because I’m mentioning it, Spence. You don’t talk about your childhood. You won’t let me touch your fucking torso. I fear ever bringing it up for this very reason. You shut down. You so rarely mention anything about yourself past two years ago. I’m aware love isn’t easy for you.” Noelle’s chest heaved. “But you said it to her. So, say it to me.”

More tears started to fall down her cheeks when I didn’t respond. “Explain why I’m not the first person you wanted to talk to when this tragedy struck, why you don’t answer my phone calls or forget we’re supposed to meet. Tell me why you don’t come home and I have to put tinfoil on the dinner I made for you and eat on my own. Why you won’t tell me where you got your scars, why you probably let her touch them. Enlighten me as to why you want me around when, for the most part, you forget I’m even here.”

“You knew who I was the minute you started dating me. I am not Romeo, Prince Charming, or Disney cartoon royalty. I’m flawed, and you stepped in with full knowledge of my distance.”

She scoffed, but it was wet with emotion. “I don’t need a reminder of your emotional incapacity to understand that I’m not the one for you, Spence. I may have been an idiot for thinking I could change you. At least give me the benefit of being intelligent enough to know when to leave.”

“I don’t want you to.” I strode toward her. I made sure to hold, to look deep into her, when I said, “I’m not lying. I want you to stay.”

Her lips trembled, and she said with a muted stutter, “What if I don’t want to?”

“Please.” My eyes were dry, but they felt swollen. “Don’t leave.”

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