Page 39 of To Have and to Hold

We worked late into the night, ignoring phone calls, proposing then tossing theories, and planning next steps. We’d all gone into my home office, where Becca nodded approvingly at my wall notes and put her nose to them for a good amount of time, adding her cursive to parts of Emme that I’d missed. At some point, while reclined on the small couch with papers splayed across my chest, my eyes closed. No idea how it happened or for how long, but the voices of the two women tiptoed through the fog.

“Tell me more about Emme,” Noelle was saying.

“She’s…brilliant,” Becca said from her spot on the floor. I kept my eyes shut as they talked. “Then again, I’m biased as her best friend, but I love her. I miss her.”

Becca’s voice went thick. Noelle said, “I’m sorry. If it’s too much, we don’t have to—”

“No, no, this is good. It keeps her close, and—and alive, when we talk about her.” Something dropped, a swish of paper, as Becca readjusted. “She’s imperfect, like all of us. Doesn’t think things through sometimes, gets really excited about ideas and executes them before laying out plans. Basically, the complete opposite of Spence over here.” Becca snorted.

“You’ve known them for a while. Both of them.”

“I met Emme freshman year, we were paired as roommates. Spence, I met a year after.”

“How was Spence in college?”

“Jeez, how you’d expect, I guess. Into his studies, had a few close friends. Always up for a conversation though—definitely not a super loner. I mean, get him on a topic that interests him, you can’t shut him up.”

Noelle let out a soft laugh. “That rings true.”

“He loved to acquire random knowledge. Take me for example, I love zombies. He knew nothing about them before he met me. Now, if he remembers, he could probably tell you the best weapon to use in a zombie apocalypse.”

Crowbar, I thought.

“Ran around with the ladies quite a bit. Oh, sorry…probably don’t want to know about that part.”

“No, go on. He’s really tight-lipped about his past. Even college. It’s like I have to use pliers to get the most basic information out of him.”

There was a pause. “He didn’t used to be like that.”

“Really?”

“I mean, he’s always been closed off. Had his secrets, but I remember him smiling more. If he warmed to you, he was willing to engage in all kinds of topics. And if he especially liked you, there would even be a few gifts of his past. Emme always—”

Becca cut herself off before I could rise up and do it for her. A part of her might have sensed that telling my current girlfriend of my past girlfriend’s effortless talent in getting me to open up wouldn’t be the best idea.

Becca attempted to fix the situation by saying, “What have these few years done to him?”

“I assumed Spence was always like this.” Noelle’s tone became tremulous, maybe a slightly panicked and confused. It was time to end the conversation.

“Do you know about his scars?” Noelle asked.

High time.

“Mmpf.” I pretended a good stretch, flicked one eye open. “How long was I out?”

“Long enough for me to be jealous,” Becca said, but her eyes lasered, youtook your sweet time pretend-waking, asshole. “I should go home.”

“Stay here,” Noelle said. “We can make up the couch. It’s too long of a trip back into the city.”

Becca turned to me, as if I was about to object. But I’d come to the grudging conclusion that this stray puppy wasn’t going anywhere any time soon. “Noe’s right. I’ll grab a spare blanket.”

When I was finishing up the dishes in the kitchen and Noelle was making up the couch, Becca came in and grabbed my arm, saying, “I appreciate you letting me stay.”

“No problem.”

“I mean it,” she said, still holding on. “The nights are…they’re the worst. You feel it too, don’t you?”

I met her eye quickly, but went back to rinsing plates. “You’re not wrong.”

---