Page 40 of To Have and to Hold

“Despite all this hard-assery, you’re having a tough time. The old Spence peeks through a little bit.” She let go, but surprised me by saying, “Does Noelle know?”

I stacked the last of the plates by the sink. But didn’t bullshit her. “She knows enough.”

Becca picked up the stack and stored it in the cupboard. “Mm. So she has no idea what Emme was to you.”

“Does it matter?” I said. “Will it allow us to find Emme sooner?”

“Would Noelle ask you to take a step back and let the professionals handle it if she knew?” Becca countered.

“We’re not doing this,” I said as I passed her.

“Emme made you a better man,” Becca said quietly behind me. “Maybe Noelle should be aware of that.”

I leaned a hand on the doorjamb. Noelle had left the living room, was probably in our bedroom getting ready, but her perfume lingered, a mix of sweet and spice. “What we were doesn’t exist anymore. Noelle is my future. But that doesn’t mean I can’t want Emme back just as much as you.”

“I’m not trying to insult you.”

“Then focus on Emme here and now,” I said, turning back. “Stop thinking about the past.”

Becca said, “You’re certainly doing a great job of it.”

I met her look. Deadpan. “I always have. Good night.”

The bedroom was dim, Noelle already under the covers. When I slid in next to her, her naked curves molded to my back. She kissed my shoulder. “I want to take your mind off things,” she said.

I rolled over. She stroked my face, but her thumb caught on taut muscle. I’d locked my jaw so tight that bolts of pain shot down both sides of my neck. “Hey,” she said, her nails scratching against my scruff. “Relax.”

Her hand slid down further. She stroked, her soft fingers curling firm with control. I gave into the feeling, zeroing in on the skill she had with cupping my balls at the same time and squeezing. Nothing else.

Soon, her mouth substituted as lube, and I groaned as her head bobbed. Her free hand found mine, her fingers curling in between the spaces. Noelle never liked me holding her head or tangling into her hair when she blew me. She preferred the connection that hand-holding brought, the touch of pure affection while her tongue did dirty flicks.

It took a while to get used to, but as her mouth swallowed almost all of me and her teeth grazed, to hell with innocence. I cupped the back of her head and pushed deeper, my lips curling as I groaned out the release.

“I want to fuck you,” she said when she lifted up. She scraped the back of her hand across her mouth.

“I want you to…but not tonight, babe.” I pulled her to my chest, her forehead up against my heated neck.

Noelle slid out of my hold and straddled me, her hair cloaking our faces as she leaned down and nipped at my mouth. I kissed her back, but she pulled away, saying, “Spence. I’m right here.”

I stroked her cheek. “I know you are.”

She hesitated, her eyes glittering black in the night. “Last week, we were completely connected. But now, I’m kissing you, and you’ve checked out.”

“I’m not,” I said, still holding her face. Leveling with her stare. “I swear I’m not. There’s a lot on my mind.”

“Too much. I’m thinking you’re trying to do this all on your own, and it’s a mistake, Spence.”

“I can’t sit back.”

“Let the police handle it.”

“And let strangers take the lead while someone I know is suffering?”

“Yes. This isn’t your job. Finding missing people isn’t what you’re meant to be doing.”

“Let me ask you something.” I sat up and she folded to the side, her bent legs resting on my thighs. “If it were someone you knew, would you want me to use every resource I had to try to find them? If it were your sister or your best friend?”

She remained silent.

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