Page 100 of The Fall-Out

‘Cheers,’ Rowan, Kate and I echoed.

I cleared my throat, feeling that job-interview feeling twist my stomach. ‘Thanks for coming, guys. I know it’s a pain. But I think we’ve all got things to say to each other.’

Kate’s face was still and wary again. ‘Right. Why don’t you go first?’

No, you go first. Or Ro, or Abs. Don’t make me do it. But I had to – this had been my idea after all. In a sense, I’d started it.

I said, ‘So, first off. Patch and I are splitting up.’

My friends’ – or former friends’ – faces segued from expressionless to sad.

Rowan reached out and touched my hand, just a brush of a fingertip like she was scared I’d burn her – or contaminate her. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘So am I,’ said Kate.

‘Are you okay?’ Abbie asked.

‘Yes,’ I said slowly. ‘Well, no. Not really. But I will be eventually.’

‘What happened?’ Rowan asked. ‘I mean, you said you’d decided that the other stuff – the stuff with Zara – didn’t matter.’

‘I had. And it felt like the right decision at the time, even though I know you guys didn’t agree with it.’

‘It wasn’t about that,’ began Rowan. ‘It was?—’

I held up my hand. ‘Let me finish. I know how things started with Patch and me wasn’t right. I know it wasn’t fair to Zara. I can see that now – I guess I could see it all along. I was selfish and so was he. If there’d been a way to make that not have happened, believe me, I’d have done it. But there wasn’t. And with the kids and everything – why uproot their lives because of a shit thing their mum and dad did years ago?’

Slowly, I saw Rowan nod, then Kate and Abbie follow suit.

‘But then there was another thing.’ I paused, the pain still too fresh for me to get the words out easily. ‘You all remember what happened at Abbie’s wedding?’

‘When Matt forgot the words to his speech?’ Abbie asked, smiling. I saw her smile mirrored on Kate and Rowan’s faces, and felt it on my own.

‘Who could forget that?’ I said. ‘It was the best bit, right? But no. After that. When Zara turned up and nicked your bouquet.’

‘She really lost it, didn’t she?’ Rowan shook her head. ‘What came over her?’

‘She felt like I’d taken what was hers by right,’ I explained. ‘So she was going to take – something. I don’t know what she actually meant with the bouquet. Maybe she didn’t know herself. But after that, when Patch went outside to talk to her and we went up to your room, Ro?—’

‘Oh my God,’ Rowan whispered. ‘Don’t tell me she and Patch…?’

I nodded miserably. ‘That night and a few times after. She says she’s got texts from him to prove it, and photos, but I didn’t need to see them, because he says it’s true.’

‘Oh, Naomi.’ Abbie reached over and squeezed my hand. ‘That’s awful.’

‘Yeah, it’s not great. But it’s also not everything. I know cheating’s meant to be the ultimate deal-breaker, the thing you can’t get past. But it isn’t always. I think I could have moved past it. But it made me realise things about Patch and about me – about where things had got to in my life.’

‘Go on,’ Rowan said.

‘I realised I’d lost me.’ I shrugged. I didn’t know how to find the words, but I hoped that the knowledge and understanding my friends had formed of me over the years would be enough for them to interpret what I meant. ‘I’d let my life become all about being Patch’s wife and the kids’ mum and there was nothing left for me any more. I guess I gave myself permission to be more selfish. More like Zara. So I decided I had to leave.’

‘You don’t want to be like Zara.’ Kate’s face was pale with shock.

‘Not in every way – of course not. But one thing she does is fight for what she wants. She wanted to – to take revenge on me, I guess, for what happened all those years ago. And she did.’

‘What are you talking about, exactly?’ Rowan picked up her glass, touched it to her lips and then put it down again. She looked like Toby with his puzzle toy, putting a shape in the wrong hole at first, then trying another and another, knowing eventually he would get it right.

I took a deep breath. Telling them about Patch was the easy part – I’d already figured it out in my own head; I knew what to believe and what not to. But this was different.

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