Page 101 of The Fall-Out

‘She told me she’d always felt on the sidelines of the group. Which she was, of course, because of not being here all the time. But it was like she was holding up a mirror to me and making me feel that way too. She made me doubt our friendship.’

I saw understanding gradually dawn on their faces.

‘And then when I decided to try and make a go of things with Patch, even after I knew how things were when he and I first got together, I felt like you were all judging me. I felt like if you could, you’d take her side over mine.’

I stopped, looking around at them. Kate’s hands were wrapped tightly around her glass, her knuckles white. Rowan was biting her lip. Abbie was fiddling with her hair, winding a strand round and round her finger then letting it go and starting again.

‘It sounds so petty, doesn’t it?’ I went on. ‘It’s like we learned how to do friendship when we were teenage girls and never really figured out a different way.’

My words fell into silence. I could hear a beep from the card reader at the bar, the whoosh and clunk of the toilet door opening and closing, the hum of traffic on the road outside. But my friends made no sound – I couldn’t even hear them breathing.

Then Kate said, ‘I know what you mean, actually. Because I felt the same way.’

‘About something Zara said to you?’ Abbie asked softly.

Kate nodded.

‘What was it?’ I asked, although I already knew.

Kate cleared her throat, hesitated, then the words came out in a rush. ‘She told me that she felt responsible for Andy’s addiction, and his death. Because of how they used to party together when he visited her in Paris. And I do, too – I always have, no matter how much everyone tells me it’s not my fault. And she made me think that you guys felt the same, and blamed me for it.’

‘But you know we don’t!’ Rowan’s voice was high, almost pleading.

‘Why wouldn’t you?’ Kate asked. ‘Come on. If I hadn’t had that relationship with him and kept it a secret for so long, and let him stay with me when he was using, and all that stuff. If I hadn’t done that, he might still be alive. I thought that, deep down, and there was no reason to believe you guys wouldn’t think it too.’

‘Oh my God,’ Rowan said. ‘That’s so cruel. And so not true.’

‘I told you it wasn’t true,’ Abbie said, her voice thin and small. ‘But I don’t think you believed me.’

Kate said slowly, ‘I did and I didn’t. I didn’t really believe you’d say something like that about me to Zara, of all people. But you see, I’ve always blamed myself for it. And Zara must have guessed that. She knew the seed was there so she poured a load of shit on it and then it grew.’

‘You mustn’t blame yourself,’ Abbie protested. ‘You know it’s not your fault. You were the best friend Andy could have possibly had.’

There were tears in Kate’s eyes. Abbie pulled a pack of tissues from her bag and passed one to Kate, then blew her own nose. I could see – as if it was a physical thing – the wall between them beginning to come down.

‘Rowan,’ I said. ‘She told you something about me, too, didn’t she?’

I felt as if I was cross-examining a witness in court – the role I’d dreamed of. It wasn’t nearly so much fun as I’d thought it would be.

‘I…’ Rowan began, a dark flush creeping up her cheeks. ‘Yes, she did. It’s too horrible, I can’t say it.’

I looked at her and waited, and after a few seconds she went on. ‘Years ago, Zara told me she was abused when she was a teenager, by a boyfriend of her mother’s.’

I could almost hear the thought rippling around the table – Zara told us all lots of things. But no one spoke.

‘I know what you’re thinking,’ Rowan went on. ‘But the way she talked about it – it was so vivid, so awful. It’s stayed with me. So when I told her about Alex and me getting together, the best thing that’s happened to me in ages, and she asked me to remind her how old Clara is, it all came back to me.’

She stopped, and we sat there for a moment, waiting, until Kate said, ‘Go on, Ro. We’re listening.’

‘Of course, I didn’t think Alex would be capable of anything remotely like that. But it made me feel guilty about what I could have exposed Clara to, you know, if Alex wasn’t a good person. And then Zara said that you – Naomi – you’d said you wondered about Alex being… you know. Safe. Around Clara. And whether he was actually only with me because of her. And suddenly it wasn’t about me trusting Alex any more, it was about me trusting you.’

‘And that’s why you were being so cold towards me,’ I said. ‘I don’t blame you, but God, it hurt.’

‘Of course it did.’ Abbie’s voice was so soft I could barely hear her. ‘I know just how much.’

We all turned to look at her, slowly, like if we were too hasty she would take fright and run away. I reached a hand out across the table towards her, but I didn’t touch her; I just waited for her to speak.

Abbie – the kindest and gentlest of us all. She’d been through so much, so recently, and it had almost broken her.

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