Page 92 of A Little More Forgiveness

It had felt good having him there, working alongside me, sharing the load.

Jesus. Could I be any more pathetic?

Once again, I forced the image of both Gabe and Leo out of my mind and returned to work, pushing myself the rest of the morning, working straight through lunch and well into the afternoon. My back ached, my arms were like jelly and my legs struggled to carry me up the hill when I’d finished. Didn’t matter, though, as I’d managed not to think about either of them the entire time.

I’d been congratulating myself on a job well done until I crossed the yard after tending to the horses, and I stumbled midstride as I stared at the cabin in front of me. By now the lights should be on, their warmth welcoming me home, as would the comfort of the men inside. Not tonight. Tonight, empty darkness encompassed me, and it took everything I had to keep going, to take the last few steps up onto the porch and enter through the front door.

The room, chilly and lifeless without the heat on, made me shiver, and like earlier, the silence permeating every room deafened me. “Fucking ridiculous,” I muttered, moving to the lamps and snapping them on, purposely ignoring the Christmas tree before lighting the fire, and satisfied when the crackle of wood and bright orange flames filled the emptiness.

There. Much better.

After a quick shower and deliberately not looking at the bed, I grabbed a frozen meal from the freezer, and after nuking the hell out of it, emptied the contents onto a plate and sat at the table. Gabe’s cup still resided beside mine, silently mocking me, the coffee as dark as my mood and just as cold. The barest hint of a smudge remained on the rim where his lips had sipped the contents, a stark reminder of how I’d forced him to leave.

I grabbed his cup and hurled it across the room, uncaring as the china shattered against the wall, the cold coffee splattering in long brown streaks before dripping to the floor. My own cup followed, creating another crying stain, along with my food seconds later.

“Fuuuuuk,” I screamed into the silence. “Fuck them. Fucking, fuck them.” I shouted until my voice gave out, my throat scratched and raw, as all the rage I’d bottled up since Katie’s death came pouring out. Only, this time, I had no one to offer me any comfort, no strong arms wrapping around me, holding me, protecting me. No murmured words of love to lift my heart and heal my soul.

Heaving myself off the chair, I headed for the liquor cupboard and retrieved the first bottle I laid my hands on, poured myself a large tumbler of brandy and swallowed a large gulp, grimacing as the fiery liquid left a bitter taste on my tongue and scorched my sore throat on the way down. I poured myself another. And another. Grabbing the bottle, I left the kitchen, collapsed into the armchair beside the fire and continued to drink until I forgot my own name, finally passing out into blissful oblivion.

*

The dogs barking jolted me awake. Trying to move was nigh on impossible after being stuck in one position all night, especially after the backbreaking work I’d done yesterday. My tongue had cleaved to the roof of my mouth, and my head pounded so hard, that when I tried to open my eyes the pain shooting through my skull was akin to a screwdriver being twisted into my brain.

The bright morning sunlight didn’t help either.

Opening my eyes the smallest fraction, I squinted at the room, wondering whether Gabe and Leo were in bed, and why they’d left me out here all night instead of dragging me into the bedroom with them. The pressure on my chest seconds later became a crushing weight as my memories came crashing into my consciousness. They weren’t here. Gabe and Leo weren’t here.

The dogs barked again, their deep penetrating sound sending more pain piercing in my head. “Quiet,” I yelled, wincing when the agony intensified. “Christ, what the hell are you barking at anyway?”

The sound of tires in the snow had me up and out of the armchair in an instant, my heart in my throat. Was that them? Had they come back? Please let them have come back.

It took a second for me to work out the sounds of the vehicle were getting fainter and fainter. They weren’t arriving; they were leaving. Wrenching open the door, I ran out on the porch, ignoring the stabbing pain in my eyes from the brightness, only to see a large charcoal gray SUV disappearing down the track.

Who the hell was that? I had so few friends these days, and the ones I did have all drove pickups, so that counted them out.

Turning to go inside the house, a yellow padded envelope propped up against the chinked logs beside the front door caught my eye. I leaned down to pick it up, turning the package over in my hands. My name appeared on the front but no address details, so it must either be from whoever had driven away or maybe they were hand delivering it for someone.

I made straight for the kitchen, ripped the package open, pulled out the contents, and began reading. My gaze landed on the skyscraper logo at the top of the letter, causing the blood to freeze in my veins when I understood what I held in my hands. Flicking through the pages, I struggled to read the words as tears stung my eyes.

The place was mine.

All of it.

Gabe had signed over his half of the property to me. I owned every piece. The land, the buildings, the lake, fishing rights and… I dropped down into the chair, unable to catch my breath. He’d included the initial planning rights for the new resort. I’d have the licenses, permits, everything. When had he had time to get those? I had to put the papers down, my fingers trembling too much to read them any longer.

As they landed on the table, a smaller piece of paper partially slipped out from between one of the pages. Tugging it free, I was confused to find a check made out in my name. My eyes bugged, and I had to read the amount a few times before my drink-fogged brain assimilated the words and number of zeros. Two hundred and fifty thousand dollars. The check was for two hundred and fifty thousand fucking dollars!

I tipped the envelope the papers came in upside down and gave it a shake, but nothing else fell out. I shook the thick document, too, but again came up with nothing.

Why would Gabe write me a check for so much money? In fact, why write me a check at all? It made no sense. I glanced at the figure once more, my pulse thudding. This amount would change everything for me. If I paid the check into my bank, I’d finally have all the cash I’d ever need to fulfill the promise to my wife and make our dreams come true.

I should be happy, right? So why did getting exactly what I wanted leave a bitter taste in my mouth? Why did the dreams I’d harbored all this time not feel as worthwhile as they once did? I’d always been so focused on them, so blinded to everything else, but that was before Gabe and Leo blew into my life like a raging blizzard.

Would I gain the atonement I needed if I fixed the place up? I was no longer certain. I remembered Gabe’s words, and him saying I had no chance of preventing the accident from happening. But if we hadn’t argued and I’d not forced her away, I firmly believed she’d still be here—she’d still be alive. But wishing for her to be alive wouldn’t ever bring her back, and for the first time since her death, I understood nothing I did would ever change that.

I had no clue what to do with that knowledge or how to move forward. I’d been in limbo for years, so how on earth did I move on and leave Katie behind?

Yet my heart ached because Leo and Gabe were no longer around. I’d pushed them away with my anger, my guilt, and my fear. Gabe had given me a second chance with his check, yet, I wasn’t sure I wanted it, not sure if it had been a life at all. I’d been existing, barely, but everything had changed when two men had shown me what my new life could be—full of passion, full of fun and most of all, full of love. Was I really going to throw all that away chasing a ghost, as Gabe had so aptly put it?

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