Page 41 of The Lies We Tell Ourselves

My legs crumbled, refusing to support me as he broke right in front of me. I refused to be a silent observer any longer and crawled across the ground, twigs and stones cutting into my skin. Kneeling at Dillon’s feet, I tentatively put my left hand on his knee. Electricity danced across my fingers and shot down my arm like a lightning bolt. “Shhh, Dil. I’m here,” I cooed softly and teased my fingers through his hair. Leaning into my touch, Dillon’s rocking slowed as my fingers gently grazed across his scalp. His eyes fluttered closed as soft comforting words passed my lips. The tension locking up his shoulders eased, and so did the steel band around my chest.

CHAPTER

SEVENTEEN

DILLON

Gentle fingers teased through my hair, sending waves of electricity across my skin as the world splintered around me. Everything narrowed down to the sensation as it worked from the front to the back of my head, just like Jamie used to do when we were younger. After a long day of school and a hard practice, we used to disappear to the creek out the back of his house and just sit there for hours. It was heaven and hell in equal measure, and they say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Maybe this is my penance, one last torturous glimpse at heaven before I fall.

“How did it go today?” Jamie asked softly as he sat down in the long grass at the bough of a tree and patted the ground next to him.

I looked into his pale blue eyes, the edges burning with molten steel, and released a heavy exhale. I plopped down next to him and shuffled in the dirt until my head lay across his thighs. “Coach was pissed.” I sighed as his fingers worked through my still damp hair. Stoke by stroke, his gentle touch soothed me, and made my muscles ache a little less as I stared up at the leaves dancing in the breeze.

“What did you do?” The accusation in Jamie’s sweet voice was unmistakable.

”What makes you think it was something I did?” I parried.

“Because if Coach was pissed at someone else, you would be laughing about it. Not stiff enough to shit diamonds.”

I choked on the spit that got lodged in my throat, making Jamie hum a chuckle. “Did you seriously just say that?” I grinned up at him as he trailed his finger down over my nose before working on the pressure points by my eyebrows.

“Sounds like it, doesn’t it?” He shrugged. “Besides, it made you laugh.”

“True. I can’t argue with that.” My eyes fluttered shut as my mind started to let go of all the pressure and responsibility that sat on my shoulders. “Jamie?”

“Yeah, Dil?”

“Thanks.”

He shifted underneath me, so I lifted my head, ready to sit up and take my weight off his thighs, but Jamie clucked his tongue at me and pushed down on my forehead before he continued running his fingers through my hair. The little hairs on my arm stood up on end as goosebumps spread across my body, and my skin came alive.

“Shhh, Dillon, I’ve got you. Come back to me. Lean on me, let me help you.” His voice never ceased to amaze me even if it was only in my head. Fuck. I wished he was really here, but I haven’t seen him since he threw me out of his room.

The last week has been excruciating. The walls have been closing in, suffocating me. The pressure on me has reached boiling point, every single one of my responsibilities weighing me down with chains made of lead. I wanted to reach out to him so many times. I needed to see his face. His smile. See for myself that he was fine as the guilt over what happened ate at me like a cancer, but I couldn’t. I’ve had eyes on me constantly.

Coach had been demanding, pushing the team harder and harder, but like a house of cards built on quicksand, the harder he pushed, the faster we fell. There’s a discord among the team that’s tearing us apart, with Chad being the instigator of the divide. I knew he hated me, but he loved to win and be the center of attention, so I don’t know why he’s driving us into a wall we won’t be able to come back from. After every failed practice, my dad called to berate me, belittle and demean me. He threatened to come to Briar U and show me how it was done. What he really meant was that he’ll beat some good ol’ fashioned sense into me. It wouldn’t be the first time. But he preferred to use words; his tongue was sharper than a blade, cutting me down like a machete. He’d sooner stab me in the back than watch his dream of me going pro fail. I was nothing to him but a stepping stone and dollar signs.

I couldn’t cope. I just wanted it all to stop. I’d tried to focus and trained so hard my muscles were as burned out as my mind. I couldn’t sleep, because my anxiety never let up. It was there pushing and pulsing like a living entity growing inside me. Even when I closed my eyes, all I could hear was Coach and my Dad shouting, taunting and maiming me with their disappointment.

My eyes were screwed shut so tightly that fireworks burst behind my closed lids like strobe lights. My breaths sawed in and out of my lungs, dragging a ball of shattered glass with each exhale.

“Dillon, I want you to focus on my voice.” Jamie’s soft, lilting voice was like a beam of sunlight in the darkness that was my mind. “I know you can hear me. I need you to breathe with me.” Something solid pushed against my sternum, and I wrapped my hand around it on instinct, clinging to it like a lifeline. “That’s it Dil, you’re doing so good.”

If only he was real. If only he was real. If only he was real. The chant ran through my mind, blocking the toxic thoughts as I focused on his voice. Even though I was delusional, he was here, helping me whether he was real or not. I’d take any moment in time he granted me, because I knew once he discovered the truth, he’d never look at me again. Like Icarus, I would willingly fly closer and closer to the sun just for one more chance to bask in its light.

“I’m going to help you get your breathing under control, okay? Just listen and do as I say.” My breath caught in my throat as it squeezed tighter. “Breathe in. One…two…three.” The vise around my throat got tighter as every second passed. “That’s great. Now breathe out. One… two… three… four. That’s great, Dil you’ve got this. Again.”

I don’t know how long I was lost in the darkness, listening to my hallucination of Jamie talking me through one of the most terrifying panic attacks I’d ever had. I wanted to claw at my throat as I fought to get air into my lungs, but his firm grip on my hand helped calm that destructive instinct. Sweat beaded on my brow and dripped down my temples. My shirt clung to my sweat-slicked back by the time I felt the rough bark bite into my skin. My legs were numb, my arms and hands locked up tight, my muscles stiff, cold, and aching. I couldn’t move, but Jamie’s presence remained constant, and he was the center of my focus. The eye of the storm. The one thing that pulled me back.

“That’s it, Dil. You’re doing so great for me.” His warm hand cupped my face, his thumb feathering over my damp cheek. I choked on a sob as my breath caught in my throat, the salty taste of my tears on my tongue. I wanted so badly for him to be real.

The ringing silence in my ears dissipated, and a cool breeze brushed over my skin. I slumped to the side, my body drained and exhausted. My head landed on something soft but firm. It smelled of musky caramel and made my mouth water. Even in this semi-lucid state, I still clung to my fantasy. I wished he was real.

A lilting chuckle tinkled through the air. “I’m here, Dillon. I’m as real as you are.” I felt the teasing scratch of nails against my scalp, and I shuddered, nuzzling into the softness that pillowed my head. A sharp intake of breath had my eyes snapping open. Blinded by the brightness, I blinked away the fog that obscured my vision, and slowly but surely, the world came back into focus.

“Little crow?” The delusional fever dream still clung to my mind like fractured cobwebs.

“I’m here, Dil.” A warm hand cupped my cheek and maneuvered my head until I was staring into the eyes that haunted my dreams and owned my heart. Ones I pretended to hate but worshiped from afar.

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