Page 63 of Felix

“I had a boyfriend before I started working at Elite 8,” he says, continuing to toy with my shirt. “We were pretty vanilla, which was fine, but, uh… There was this one time I blew him in the car. We thought we were alone, or I wouldn’t have. But we got caught, unintentionally, by a couple guys getting into the vehicle next to ours. Dane was mortified. But I…”

He huffs a laugh, and it’s not hard to guess.

“You liked it,” I say.

He nods. “So much. It was like this jolt to my system. I came in my pants, Christian. No one even touched me.”

Damn. That’s hot.

“After that,” he goes on, “I couldn’t get it out of my head. I kept trying to engage Dane in semi-public places, but he adamantly refused. We broke up shortly after that. Not really because of that. We weren’t a great fit. But that was when I got a little reckless.”

“What happened?” I ask softly, smoothing my fingers along his sides. For whatever reason, it seems like this is a story Emil needs to tell. And I’m happy to listen.

“I started having sex in clubs,” he says. “In the bathrooms, mostly, but, uh… There was this one time when it was right in the hall. Plenty of people saw us, and I didn’t even care. I loved it. It was like a drug.”

“It’s nothing to be ashamed of,” I say gently.

He shakes his head, eyes meeting mine. “That’s the thing. I’m not ashamed of it. Not in the least. But I’m on my way to getting my doctorate in psychology. I want to go into research, and I can’t have a record, Christian. It could seriously affect my options.”

“Whereas porn is legal,” I say, making the connection.

He nods, eyes imploring me to understand, but I already do. “It’s safe,” he says. “And it’s consensual for everyone involved. I couldn’t…couldn’t trust that someone I started dating would understand how much that matters to me. Because when I’m in that place, that hazy, intoxicating place, logic shuts off and want overrides everything else. I’m not in control of myself. At least, I don’t feel that way.”

“Which is why you warned me last night.”

There’s a beat of silence before Emil says, “It’s why I trusted you last night.”

My pulse kicks, and Emil tugs me closer, his arms wrapping around my back.

“Christian… Before I even knew you, the very day after I moved in, you wrote me a letter. You saw me through the window, and you cared about my consent. You could have kept watching me, and I would have been none the wiser, but you didn’t do that. I’ve trusted you since the beginning. I never have to worry when I’m with you. I know I’m safe.”

I swallow roughly, my throat tight. “Specs… You’ll be my first.”

He cocks his head slightly. “Your first what?”

“Boyfriend.”

His eyes pop wide, but all he does is tighten his arms. We’re already flush, but the added pressure is nice. “Christian,” he says softly.

“Mm?”

He leans close, tilting his head up so his lips are near my ear. “I’ll go easy on you.”

I bark a laugh, and Emil pulls back, grinning at me.

“Fuck, Specs,” I mutter, tracing the shape of his mouth with my eyes. “My brave exhibitionist.”

He snorts. “My beautiful voyeur.”

There goes my heart again, thumping loudly, the beat impossible to ignore. “I was never much of a voyeur before you,” I tell him truthfully.

He breathes out. “And I may be the one with boyfriend experience, but I don’t really know what I’m doing, Christian. I’d never even cuddled on the couch until you.”

“So I guess we’re kind of in this together, huh?”

“That is the implied intent of dating,” he says, lips twisting. “You do it together.”

“You’re such a little shit,” I say fondly.

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