Page 97 of The Darkness Within

“Some things are better left unsaid.”

He laughs and claps me on the back twice before letting me go. “We’re good, brother. I appreciate your apology, but I didn’t really need it. All that is water under the bridge. It’s just the kind of bullshit friends do for each other.”

“I’m grateful for you. I wish I could stay and hang out, but it’s getting late, and I’ve had a shit-tastic day.”

“Can I take you home?”

“Yeah.” I’m not too proud to beg, not after I’ve walked all over Black Mountain today on a bum leg.

“Let me just grab that T-shirt and a pair of shoes and I’ll meet you downstairs.”

As we’re cruising down the highway, Mandy turns down the radio and asks, “Do you want to talk about today?”

“No. Not at all. I guess I just needed a reminder to do the next right thing.” The scenery passes by in a blur, and with each mile, I feel more exhausted, down to my bones. “When you’re going through your medical shit, and you’re afraid, you always reach out and ask for help, no matter how it makes you feel to humble yourself. I guess,” I let out a tired sigh and shift my gaze to his profile, “I guess I need to take a page from your book and humble myself.” All of my fear and humiliation is gathered in a knot, in the middle of my throat, making it hard to swallow. “I need your help. I’m scared. When they give me that fucking medal, will you be there with me?”

“Like your ball sack buddy?” He grins, making the scars around his mouth stretch in a way that pulls his lips down, like he’s frowning.

Fucker. “Exactly like that. Will you share a sack with me?”

“Of course, I’d love to be your other nut. Just don’t tell West.”

I’m reminded of that old saying, when God closes a window, He opens a door. I lost my best friend, but now I have more friends than I can count. The Bitches, the guys at Serenity House, the other addicts I’ve met at the meetings. I didn’t ask for any of this, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I guess that’s the thing about friends, they always do the exact thing that’s gonna piss you off. Like loving you when you don’t think you deserve it, forgiving you before you can even ask, driving your sorry ass home in the middle of the night, or forcing their friendship on you when your life is falling apart.

Mandy parks along the curb. “Damn, that’s a big ass taco truck.” He laughs to himself. “Call me if you need me.”

“I’m always going to need you, brother.” Sliding my arm around his neck, I give him a one-armed hug before climbing out of the car.

I can feel his eyes on me as I shuffle up the front walk and can feel the weight of his curiosity as I slump into a rocking chair on the front porch instead of going inside.

“Did you forget your key?” he calls out the window.

“Nah, I think I’ll just sit here for a moment. I’ve got to take care of something before I go inside.”

“Do you want me to wait?”

“No, I’m good.”

Mandy doesn’t look convinced. “Do you want me to park down the street and idle the car for fifteen minutes?”

That makes me laugh. “Nah, I’ll call you tomorrow.”

I wait until his taillights disappear down the road. I’m tired, fucking exhausted, and the remnants of my earlier headache are threatening to make a comeback. I pinch the bridge of my nose and rub.

“Don’t look at me like that, G. Neither of us is perfect. Fuck, since you’ve…” I pause, searching for the right word, “ascended, you’ve really gotten holier than thou. In fact, I remember when you used to…you know what? Never mind.” Sighing loudly, I scrub my face.

“You’re right, I fucked up. I bailed when the going got tough. It’s just…” The damn holding back my tears and my pain bursts, and all of my messy emotions rush forth. “I can’t, G! Fuck, I don’t want the goddamn medal. You and I both know I didn’t do a fucking thing to earn it. All I did was stay alive, mostly because I wasn’t gonna give those fuckheads the satisfaction of seeing me die.” Using the hem of my shirt, I wipe the tears and snot from my face. “Can I tell you something? Mostly, I was afraid of what they would do with our bodies if we both died. Feed us to the dogs? Leave us there to rot so the rats could have us? Drag our bodies through the streets as they cheered? Fuck no! I stayed alive to make sure they wouldn’t do that to you. I made a promise to you, G.” A fresh round of tears fall, blurring my vision. “I promised to get you home, and the only way I could keep that promise was if I stayed alive. I just wish I hadn’t failed you! You deserved to come home alive, too.” It hurts to swallow because my throat is so swollen. “Your mom needs you. I need you.” Dragging a shaky breath into my lungs, I wipe my face again.

“I need to tell you how sorry I am. I don’t know what I could have done differently to change the outcome, but I hate that I didn’t try. If I had fought back, they’d have killed me for sure. Then, after they shot me, there really wasn’t much I could do, anyway. Fuck!” Leaning forward, I drop my head between my knees and press my fingers to my temples. “I did the best I could, G. You know that, don’t you? Did I make it any easier for you? The little that I could do, did it help at all?” Raising my head, I look up at the night sky, at the dozens of stars shining down on me, and wonder if one of them is my best friend.

“I need you to forgive me. I need you to tell me that what I did was enough. I love you, G, I always will. Don’t disappear on me, okay? I need you to keep looking out for me.” Pushing to my feet, I wince at the sharp stab of pain that shoots up my leg into my hip. All that walking earlier, I definitely overdid it. “I’m sorry, G. So fucking sorry, but mostly, I’m sorry that I tried to forget you.”

I can barely keep my eyes open any longer, and all I want to do is go lay down, but I made Brewer a promise that I wouldn’t step foot inside our house until I forgave myself. I lean my back against the front door and take a deep breath.

I have a good heart.

I’m a loyal friend.

I have good intentions, even if I don’t execute them well.

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