Page 95 of The Darkness Within

God, grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen.

When I raise my head again, I take a deep breath, feeling calmer and stronger. I recite the prayer two more times before reaching for the door handle.

When I walk into the bar, I sigh with relief.

My search is over.

This is the downside of being in love. The pain you feel from caring too much. Sometimes, love is a bandage that heals the deepest wounds. But sometimes, it can be a double edged sword that cuts you in half and leaves your heart bleeding out.

Nash sits alone at a high-top table, with his head in his hands. The full glass of bourbon sitting beside him feels like a stab in my gut. I pull out the chair, and he doesn’t even flinch at the sound of the legs scraping across the wooden floor.

There’re so many things I want to say. So many things I should say. But mostly, I just want to wrap him in my arms and breathe him in.

“Are you avoiding me? Or are you avoiding yourself?”

“Neither.” Slowly, he lifts his head. “Both.” He looks like shit, with red-rimmed eyes lined with dark shadows under them. “What are you doing here, Brewer?”

“I could ask you the same thing.” My eyes drop to the untouched glass beside him.

“I haven’t touched it. I swear.” He pushes it toward me and then reaches into his pocket and pulls out an orange prescription bottle. I don’t know whose name is on the label, but I can bet it’s not his. “I haven’t touched these either. Please,” he shoves them at me, “take them.”

“How much longer are you planning on running?”

“I’m too tired to keep running,” he says, slumping in his chair.

My heart breaks for him, but I can’t show that sympathy right now. I can’t give in. Feeling sorry for him isn’t going to help him out of this hole he’s dug for himself.

“So you finished your fourth and your fifth steps. You made a list of everyone you wronged, all the actions you regretted, and you made amends for each of them.” A waitress passes by carrying an empty tray, and I motion for her to clear our table. “Sounds like you’ve forgiven everyone but yourself.”

“I can’t understand why you haven’t given up on me yet,” he says accusingly, like I’ve wronged him in some way by supporting him and believing in him. “Can’t you see how broken I am? I’m a lost fucking cause, Brewer.”

Does he have no faith in himself whatsoever? “I don’t think you’re broken, just a little bent, maybe, but it’s nothing we can’t straighten out.”

“I’m done trying. It’s not working. Can’t you see that? It’s not working, Brewer. I thought I was doing better, but here I am again, one breath away from making a bad choice.”

He’s feeling frustrated and hopeless. I can see it in his eyes, pooling with tears.

“No.” My voice sounds fierce.

“No, what?”

“No, you’re not allowed to give up. You’re not allowed to just quit!” My fist pounds the table, finally garnering a reaction from him. “You made promises to a lot of people. You asked them for forgiveness. You made promises to me,” I hiss. “And your plant and your cat. But most of all, you made a promise to yourself! Does that not mean anything to you, Nash? You may not have forgiven yourself yet, but everyone who loves you has forgiven you, and I refuse to let you quit on them.” I struggle to take a deep breath. “You’re not going to let them down, and you’re not going to let yourself down either. This is the part where you step back and take a deep breath and look at how far you’ve come. Try to remember everything you’ve learned. What is the next right step, Nash?”

I hold my next breath in my lungs, anticipating his answer. Come on, Nash. Say the right thing.

The light fades from his eyes. He just looks…defeated. “I have to surrender.” His shoulder sag even more under the weight of his decision.

I’m so overcome with relief that I can’t hide the tears that rush to my eyes and run down my cheeks. They match the wet streaks on his face. “You know what you need to do. Don’t step foot inside of our home until you’ve surrendered and you’ve forgiven yourself.”

Swiping my tears away, I lean in close, holding his gaze. There’s so many emotions in his haunted sapphire eyes. Guilt and shame, defeat, exhaustion, anger. I’m trying so hard to find some hope, just a trace of it, but I can’t seem to find any.

“Don’t look too closely. It’s dark inside there.”

“Nah, you just need someone to shine a bright light so you can find your way through the darkness within.”

“I thought you were my light,” he sobs brokenly, drowning my heart in his tears.

“I am your light. It’s still inside you. I’ll hold that fucking flashlight for you every single day and night for the rest of your life. But you can’t see the light if you don’t open your eyes, Nash. You’ve got to open your eyes and trust that the light will be there.”

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