Page 29 of Swiping Right (and other disasters)

“Oh God, not you too,” said Kiera, rolling her eyes.

“Lovely to meet you, my name is Charlie, I think we’re going to get on. Do I know you from somewhere?” Charlie kissed Clodagh on the cheek and laughed. “How do you know Kiera?”

“Possibly,” said Clodagh. “I’m a physio at the QE. I think you came to one of our meetings once.” Charlie nodded in drunken recognition. Clodagh looked apologetically in Kiera’s direction. “We met via a dating app.” She smiled, and then added, “I wasn’t her type, though.”

Charlie’s face registered his realisation that this was the person Kiera had spoken about. “Oh my God, darling, you’re gorgeous,” said Charlie. “More cocktails for us, I think. And for you too, my dear.” He sent Clodagh one of his most irresistible smiles.

He disappeared into the bar next door to the one in which Enid was celebrating her birthday. “Sorry. I will get lost if that’s what you’d prefer,” said Clodagh.

“No, please don’t. It was very good of you to cover for me like that. I didn’t have the energy to explain the actual events. We can definitely drink a cocktail together.” Kiera ushered her to the front door of the bar and they were nodded in by a very tall, very wide drag queen.

“Well, good. Any more dates?” asked Clodagh, as they found a small table to sit at.

“Ugh, no. I’m officially giving up. And by the way, I am not a mum, so I can’t be a milf. Maybe a spinster. I could be a silf?”

“What about wilf? Woman I’d like to…”

“Here we are,” said Charlie, interrupting them with a tray of drinks. “The service here is excellent. Although I think it may be because I used to sleep with the barman’s boyfriend before they got together. He seemed desperate to get rid of me…”

Kiera rolled her eyes. This was all very on-brand for Charlie. From that moment the evening flowed surprisingly well. Kiera hadn’t expected to see Clodagh again, but now she was reminded of her sense of humour and what she had liked about her in the first place.

“I think we should be friends,” she said, as they all hugged goodbye at the end of the evening.

“Deal,” said Clodagh. “I might even be able to find you a girlfriend.”

“Pah, I’m a cost lause. Sorry, lost cause. Too many cocktails. Charlie’s fault,” said Kiera, jabbing Charlie in the ribs.

“Rubbish, you led me astray, darling K. Ooh, that rhymes!”

“Why aren’t you slurring, Charlie?” asked Kiera. He smiled and said nothing. “Ok, taxis.”

Chapter Nineteen

A year earlier

It was always odd, walking past the house she’d been living in until so very recently. It felt both familiar and alien. Kiera noticed an elaborate wind chime had now been hung in the front window, complete with fairies, butterflies, stars and moons. She hadn’t realised she had stopped to stare at it until she found herself eye to eye with Chrissie, looking out of the window directly at her. Chrissie smiled and Kiera smiled back. It was an automatic reaction, like saying “excuse me” after sneezing. She dropped the smile when Chrissie vanished, only to open the front door and appear in the garden.

“Hi, Kiera, how are you?”

“Er, yeah, ok I guess,” said Kiera, wondering whether there was a more honest response. Perhaps “Really terrible, as I’ve lost my wife and my home and now you’re spending all your time with a hippy called Athena as part of a cult that seems to have transplanted any original thought you ever had with flat earth nonsense” would be more accurate? But she didn’t say any of that. She just thought it, very intensely, suddenly realising she hadn’t actually heard a word of the last sentence Chrissie had said. “Sorry, what did you say?”

“Just that I’m going travelling.”

“Travelling? Where to?” asked Kiera, reeling from yet another bombshell delivered by a woman who bore no resemblance to the one she’d fallen in love with.

“Not sure. Me and Athena and a few others are going on a discovery retreat, taking each day as it comes, accepting what life brings us.” She seemed to glow with the excitement of her plan, and once again Kiera found herself wondering if Chrissie had any roots whatsoever.

“What about the house?”

“Not sure yet,” she said.

“Well, we should talk it all through – we both own it still,” said Kiera, happy to find a practical issue she could get a grip on. Chrissie herself seemed so flighty she might actually float away.

“We do,” said Chrissie. She sighed, and then they both heard a voice from inside. “Oh, that will be Athena, ready with the ear candles. I’ll call you.”

Before Kiera could even ask what the hell ear candles were, Chrissie was gone. She might as well have vanished into a puff of smoke.

Chrissie didn’t call. A week later, Kiera called her. There was no answer. After another week of nothing, Kiera decided to go and see if Chrissie was in, and try to have an adult conversation with her. The incompleteness of everything, the smudged set of issues they were left with, was pressing down on her.

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