Page 28 of Swiping Right (and other disasters)

“Shh, don’t point, she’ll see. Yes, that’s her.” Kiera was trying to look over casually, but was fairly sure she’d failed.

“She’s hot. What are you waiting for?” asked Charlie, giving Kiera a little shove. Enid was smiling at her and Kiera had made eye contact for too long now not to go over, so she smiled back and made her way towards the crowd of young women.

She was just about to open her mouth to ask Enid what she wanted to drink, when the foil balloon that had been bobbing around floated into her eyeline. “21 Today!” it said in sparkly writing, and Kiera stopped.

Twenty-one.

Her smile dropped from her face, and smashed onto the floor.

“Hi,” said Enid, “you ok?”

“Ah, er, yes. Are you having fun?” asked Kiera, looking around for someone or something to rescue her.

“Er, yes. More fun if you join us,” she said with a flirty smile.

“Ah well, good, that’s nice. You’re twenty-one?” Kiera’s palms had started to sweat.

“I know, ancient! Oh well, middle-age approaches,” said Enid, before downing a shot that had just been passed to her by a friend.

“Case in point,” observed Kiera, “I am that middle-aged ancient person.” She smiled, slightly flattered that Enid hadn’t realised she was almost twice her age. “I’m forty-one.” She waited for the surprised expression.

It did not come.

“Oh, don’t worry,” said Enid with a grin. “I love older women.”

Kiera felt her eyebrows shoot up as Enid continued. “Like, it’s totally my thing.” Kiera said nothing. “You know, like in that old film, you’re a milf!”

“Oh my God,” said Kiera, not sure where to start.

“Come on, let’s get a selfie for my Insta stories,” said Enid.

Kiera was feeling increasingly like a Top Trump card, one with a high score for being older and wiser and, perhaps, sexy. She could take the second two, but she was nobody’s milf. While she was completing the thought, Enid was posing for a selfie beside Kiera’s perplexed face. She arranged her features into a smile. “Gorgeous,” said Enid. “So, what now?”

“Hmm. Well, sorry, just came over to say happy birthday, and bye. I have to go,” said Kiera, before turning and walking away as fast as her legs could take her.

“Whoa!” said Charlie, “what was that all about?”

“Don’t look, don’t talk, just get me out of here,” said Kiera, her cheeks red. She didn’t look back to see Enid’s response to her untimely departure. Minutes later they were on the street outside.

“What the fuck?” said Charlie.

“Sorry. It’s just I’m old enough to be her mum. Twenty-one, for goodness’ sake. Ouch.”

“Oh, is that all?”

“All? She made me feel about a thousand years old. Nope, not going there,” said Kiera, trying not to think about how old Enid would have been when she was in her twenties and hanging out in clubs and bars. “All wrong.”

“You are so prim!” laughed Charlie.

“I’m not so sure about that.” Charlie turned in surprise to see a woman he didn’t recognise. Kiera rolled her eyes.

“Clodagh, of course you’re here.”

“Sorry,” she said, softly, “I just couldn’t resist. Don’t worry, I’ll vanish back to where I came from. I don’t think you want to see me right now.”

“Oh, don’t mind me, I’m just having a moment due to being chatted up by someone young enough to be my daughter,” said Kiera. She hadn’t meant to be rude, and now she felt bad.

“There are worse things. But look at it this way, now you’re officially a milf,” Clodagh told her.

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