Page 13 of Swiping Right (and other disasters)

Kiera sighed. “I want to understand, I do. It’s just so alien to me.”

“That’s because you are closed off to your inner being,” said Chrissie, in a matter of fact tone of voice.

“I’m what?”

“Lucian could help you get in touch with your aura in a way that could be transformational. It could help you care about more than paying bills and stuff like that,” said Chrissie.

“But there isn’t anything wrong with caring about this stuff, Chrissie. If I didn’t do it, who would?”

“The universe will provide,” Chrissie replied, reverently.

“I highly doubt the universe will pay the Council Tax or put the bins out,” said Kiera, an edge to her voice that she didn’t like.

“And this is why you are toxic, Kiera.” Chrissie turned to her and took one of her hands in hers. “You could be happy, we could go on this journey together. But you insist on being so much part of what is wrong with the world.”

Kiera resisted the temptation to shake her hand free. “Ok,” she said, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath in and then out. “I am hearing that you aren’t happy, that you want things to change. I want to engage with that. I just can’t do it with him.”

Chrissie’s eyes filled up. It was the first sign of emotion she had shown.

“Can we get relationship counselling from someone? Someone trained – a professional?” asked Kiera. “I want this to work, I really do.”

“So do I, Kiera, but you need to respect the important role Lucian holds in my life.”

Kiera’s own eyes began to fill up. She felt trapped by a situation she didn’t fully understand.

She got out of bed and walked to the door.

“Where are you going?”

“I need a cup of tea,” said Kiera. Moments later, she watched as the kettle boiled, steam filling the corner under the cupboard where it resided. She replayed the words Chrissie had said.

Toxic, sad, holding back.

When had this happened? She knew things weren’t super-hot right now. It had been a while since they’d had sex, and so much of their life revolved around housework and working and mundane activities. It wasn’t as exciting and sparkly as it had been when they’d first got together more than seven years before. But that was what happened in a marriage, wasn’t it? It ebbed and flowed. There would always be peaks and troughs. This was just another trough.

Or was it a full stop?

She made tea in her favourite mug – it was yellow with a smiley face on it. It was slightly chipped after an encounter with the kitchen floor a few months back, but it was still her favourite and Kiera would never part with it.

She walked back up to the bedroom to find Chrissie gently snoring. “I’m sorry, but how can you sleep at a time like this?” said Kiera, very close to losing her temper.

Chrissie put a hand over her eyes. “Sorry. Just so tired. Lucian says I’m chronically sleep deprived.”

“Fuck Lucian. What do you think? How much of this is you, and how much is what he’s put into your head?”

“Kiera, that’s not fair.” Chrissie sat up at last. She sighed. “Ok, so, we’ll do this now.”

Kiera felt tears forming. There was a silence. “So,” she said eventually, fairly certain the brave face she was trying to put on was about to slip.

“So, we are different people. And I think we’ve become more different. You don’t have the same interests as me anymore.”

“Have you considered that it might be you that’s changed?” asked Kiera. “I love you, we committed our lives to each other. Our lives.” Her voice faltered. A fat tear fell down her cheek.

“We will always have a shared road where our paths conjoined.” Chrissie looked sad for a moment. “How do you feel?”

“Recently I’ve often felt a bit old, overweight, frumpy even. I wonder if you find me attractive anymore.” Kiera had given up trying to hide the tears now. They flowed freely, and she knew they wouldn’t stop for anything.

“Well, I suppose I find people I have things in common with most attractive, and I don’t have much in common with you at all.”

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