Page 12 of Swiping Right (and other disasters)

It was 1.45am, and Kiera was still awake. She had headed to bed early following ‘the date’ but had yet to actually fall asleep. Her legs twitched and her mind wandered in circles. She recalled the conversation that had unexpectedly ripped away the foundations from beneath her feet, just one year earlier, in this very bed.

One year earlier

“Hey, Chrissie, are you ok?” asked Kiera, looking across at her wife, who had been uncharacteristically silent all evening.

“Hmm, oh, yes, fine,” said Christina, gazing wide-eyed at the ceiling. Keira followed her eyes, wondering if there was a mark there, or something interesting. But there was nothing.

“You’ve been very quiet since you came back from your retreat,” Kiera persevered. She didn’t like atmospheres, or the sense that something was going on that she ought to know about.

“Oh well, yes, I suppose so.” There was a pause. When it was clear Chrissie wasn’t going to elaborate, Kiera turned over to face her.

“So, what’s going on? You’ve been quite distracted recently. Is everything ok?”

“Oh, Kiera, I’m so tired. I think I need to sleep before I talk about this.”

“About what?” Kiera knew she was being impatient, but she felt uneasy, and couldn’t help but prod. “Did something bad happen at the retreat?” She fought the urge to roll her eyes as she said the ‘r’ word. While she considered the Infinite Bliss retreats Chrissie was so fond of to be little more than expensive nonsense, she knew they mattered to her wife, so she kept a lid on it.

“Well, I’ve spoken to Lucian a few times over the last few days. Don’t roll your eyes. I can feel you doing it.” She was right. Kiera screwed up her eyes. “He’s a really inspired leader,” said Chrissie. She was right, and that was one of the things Kiera really didn’t like about him. He had too much of a whiff of cult-leader to him, and she hated it when Chrissie quoted him in their lives together, on everything from food to careers.

“And what did he say?” She tried to keep her voice neutral.

“Well, as you know, we were exploring how we tread on the earth, how we contribute to the wider community of humans on the planet, who is an enriching influence, who is a toxic influence.”

“Mmm hmm,” said Kiera, who didn’t know where either of them landed on that particular scale.

“And we were all writing down the lists of the people in our lives who were either enriching or toxic to our bliss.”

“Right,” said Kiera, struggling to see where this was going.

“And, well, you weren’t on the enriching list.”

“Oh, really? No, perhaps not. I’m not sure anyone can be enriching all the time, especially after seven years together and with bills to pay and a house to care for, and you know, life happening.”

“But you were on my toxic list.”

Kiera sat up straight in bed. “Say that again.”

Chrissie was still lying on her back, gazing at the ceiling. “You are toxic to my life and my bliss.”

“I’m toxic to your life? What?” Kiera was blinking, trying to make sense of what Chrissie was telling her. “I’m your wife.”

“Yes. And I think we need to do some work together,” said Chrissie, her focus still apparently elsewhere. The whole time they’d been talking it had been as if she were in a kind of trance, not once looking at Kiera.

“Toxic, how?” Kiera switched on the light.

Chrissie shaded her eyes before continuing. “Well, you know, you make me sad, you’re holding me back, you don’t bring me joy.”

“What?” said Kiera, having no idea of what to say, but feeling as if all the colour were draining from the room.

“Look, I can’t talk about this now, I need to sleep. It’s important.”

“So is our marriage,” said Kiera, raising her voice for the first time. “What do you mean by ‘work’, anyway?”

“Well, in the first instance, I think we should have a session with Lucian. He really is so good,” said Chrissie, giving up her supine position and sitting up, too. “He’s really changed so many lives.”

“I don’t want my life changed, thank you very much. And how is he qualified to help us?”

“He understands me on a spiritual level,” said Chrissie. “I need you to understand that too.”

---