Page 50 of Kayak Girl

I slept most of the car ride home. Gray ordered in some pizza and we both gobbled down the cheesy meal like we hadn’t seen food in days. Technically, I hadn’t. Protein bars don’t count as food. Gray offered me the shower first, and I selfishly took my time. By the time Gray had showered, it was almost midnight.

It was too late to find me other accommodations, so we decided I’d sleep on Gray’s plush sofa. He offered me his bed, but I’d refused. I would not do that to myself. The sofa would be fine, it would just take me a minute to set it up.

Gray fetched me some comforters. “How are you feeling?” he asked as he handed me another pillow.

“Human again, thanks. The nap, food, and shower helped so much. Thank you for coming to find me. Here’s your phone, thank you for letting me use it to call Becky.”

“I will always come for you, Elle,” Gray said, leveling me with a serious stare as he took his phone back.

“Gray,” I said with caution.

“What? It’s true. Can we please talk? I won’t sleep until I’ve cleared the air with you.”

“I already told you I forgave you.”

“Thank you, but I just want to give you a chance to tell me your side of the story. I never even asked you that day. I also want more time to say I’m sorry. Please?”

Gray looked so remorseful; I couldn’t refuse him. “Okay,” I said. “It hurt that you didn’t give me a chance to explain. You just assumed I was like Kayley,” I said, my voice fragile.

“You are right. I only realized how judgmental and blind I’d been a few days ago. My dad called me out on it. He asked me how I could accept God’s grace in my life if I was unwilling to show grace to you. He was dead right. I should have shown you grace. I am so sorry for judging you, Elle. Want to share your side now?”

His honest apology settled over my heart and even though I’d forgiven him, I realized we needed to have this discussion. Gray waited for my response. “I never set out to deceive you, per se,” I said. “I kept it from you when I thought I’d never see you again. Then, I feared you guys would kick me out of the hostel or summer camp. I didn’t want to leave. Conflict also scares me, so it’s hard for me to start a conversation that I think will end in a fight. My plan was to settle the insurance stuff and then muster up the courage to tell you about it. But each time I tried to bring it up, you swooped in and gave me a convenient out. Accepting excuses was easier than being brave. I was a coward. Hurting you was the last thing I wanted. I’m so sorry.”

“Oh Elle, I forgive you. Will you forgive me? Please tell me I haven’t lost my chance with you?”

I smiled. Why was he so sweet? Didn’t he realize this wouldn’t work long-term? “Gray, I’m not trying to be difficult. I think I fell in love with you, and it hurt too much when you broke things off. I’m not perfect. It’s a guarantee I will make more mistakes in the future. What then?”

Gray grabbed my hands. “Elle, you don’t need to be perfect. We are both sinners. Lord knows, I’ll mess up more, too. I’m not asking you to be perfect. I’m offering for both of us to show each other grace as we learn to do life together. It won’t be perfect. But I don’t want perfect. I want you.”

The flood gates opened again. Great. Did I always have to cry in front of him? Gray’s offer was a mirror to my innermost prayers, yet here I was, faltering under its weight.

“Please don’t cry, sweetheart.” His words, tender and caring, only amplified the intensity of the emotions brewing inside me.

Instinctively, I withdrew my hands from his grasp, creating a chasm of space that felt both necessary and agonizing. “I’m scared,” I confessed.

Gray’s response was immediate, his voice tinged with his own brand of fear. “Me too. I’m petrified of losing you.” His words echoed in the space between us, each syllable heavy with emotion. “I’ve never felt this way about anyone.” There was an earnestness in his eyes. “Elle, I don’t think I love you. I know I love you, and I will do whatever you need for me to prove it to you.”

His declaration, so raw and sincere, sent a shiver down my spine. In that moment, I stood at a crossroads, torn between the desire to leap into the unknown with Gray and the innate caution that whispered warnings of potential heartache. I looked into his eyes, searching for something I couldn’t quite name. My heart ached with a bittersweet pang. I wanted to embrace his love, to surrender, but a part of me resisted, fearful of the consequences.

“I want us,” I confessed, my voice quivering with vulnerability. “It’s just... these feelings, they frighten me.”

He stepped closer to me. “Let’s be scared together, then,” he said. “Anything is better with you. I tried living a few days without you, and it broke me. We can take it one moment at a time. If you love me and I love you, isn’t it worth fighting for? Even if we’re scared? Even if it’s hard?”

I nodded and whispered, “I do love you.”

A ridiculous grin spread across his face. “What was that?” he teased.

“You heard me,” I said.

“Please, say it again. I’ve been dying to hear those words from you. You scared me. I thought I’d lost you for good.”

I repeated, louder and clearer, “I love you, Gray.”

“I love you too, my Kayak Girl. Please never leave me again. From now on, I always want to be where you are,” he said, as his hands found mine.

In his eyes, there was a world of promise and a depth of longing that mirrored my own. After days of separation, each moment without him had felt like an eternity, and now, standing before him, I was acutely aware of the intense, almost electric connection that always seemed to draw us together.

“Elle,” he said, and the way my name fell from his lips was like a brush of velvet against my skin, igniting a trail of goosebumps in its wake. His nearness stirred up a kaleidoscope of butterflies in my stomach. My heart pounded against my ribcage, each beat a drumroll adding to the crescendo of anticipation that filled the air between us. I could feel his desire to kiss me and his hesitancy all at once.

---