Page 43 of Dead End

“Excuse me?” I was stalling. I knew exactly what he was talking about. I just didn’t want to face it. The memories were painful, and sometimes it felt so much easier to pretend they weren’t there.

His eyes were hard, and his face was like granite. “Stop bullshitting me and tell me why.”

“Stop acting like you care. None of you ever really cared. You made that perfectly clear over and fucking over again for a year. Just because you’re acting all chivalrous now doesn't erase the things you’ve said to me.”

He laughed bitterly. “So we’re just going to pretend like you didn’t drop everyone who ever cared about you when David and Mari died?”

“Don’t!” I snapped, glaring daggers. “Don’t say their names.”

“And why not?” he asked. “Why can’t I say their names? They practically raised all of us. When they died, we were all grieving with you; don’t you get that? But you didn’t let us, did you? No, you just had to be the sad, misunderstood goth girl.”

The second it was out of his mouth, I could immediately tell he wanted to take it back, but I just shook my head. I really couldn’t be mad at him because everything he just said was exactly what happened, and I’d known it this whole time. It was my fault that we’d stopped speaking; it was me who’d cut contact, and it was my mistake to think they’d just let things go and forget I ever existed.

“Jason…” I breathed a heavy sigh. “There are things about that night that I never told anyone.” Okay, so we’re doing this tonight. I could do it. I could let someone else in on what had been tormenting me for a year now.

He scooted closer, his eyes growing more grave and even more serious. “You can tell me,” he promised. “That’s all I ever fucking wanted from you. We were best friends once.”

Reaching out, I took a chance and gripped his hand, squeezing it tight. He turned his palm into mine and laced our fingers together, just like old times. “You can’t tell anyone.”

“I miss her touch. Always mine.” I tried not to let the jumbled thoughts distract me, but trying to piece together what he was thinking was something I’d have to look back on later when my heart was breaking all over again.

“I’m not keeping secrets from the guys,” he said with finality. “Not anymore. We’ve all been keeping too many secrets, and right now, we can’t afford to add any more to our plate. Just tell me what happened. And then tell the guys—or I will. I’m not messing around, Tobs.”

The nickname rolled off his lips so easily, and it had me sucking in a quick breath. Warmth bloomed inside me, warring with the stark coldness of the memories I was about to dredge up. I looked at Jason without all the rage, hate, anger, and fear. I looked at him right now the way that I used to—like someone I could confide in.

“I don’t really remember what was said about the accident. The news just said they lost control, I guess.” Jason nodded, his eyes glossing over in memory. “That night, there was someone in the road, right before we crashed.”

Jason’s eyes widened. “Who?”

I shook my head. “I couldn’t see his face, but he was wearing some kind of long jacket and a hat. He just stood there, staring at the car. It all happened so fast, and my dad tried to swerve. He must have overcorrected, because we went flying down the embankment and into that tree.” My eyes were glossy, and my nose stung as I fought back tears.

“Why didn’t you tell anyone?” he asked. “If it wasn’t an accident—”

“Because I don’t know! I don’t know what I saw. When I crawled out of the wreck, I went looking for help by the side of the road, and there were no signs of the man. We were in the middle of nowhere, on our way back from some stupid restaurant I begged them to take me to. I didn’t see a man. I didn’t see anyone.”

“Shhh,” Jason cooed at me as I started to cry harder. “Come here.” Wrapping his arms around my heaving shoulders, Jason drew me into his embrace and held me there, whispering, “Why did you keep this to yourself, October? At the very least, you could’ve told me and the guys.”

“Because the one person I did tell was a police officer. I told him exactly what I saw. I told him the accident wasn’t really an accident and that some man had tried to make us crash, but he didn’t believe me. He told me to keep it to myself and not to spread rumors. He told me I was just seeing things and that I let the fact that it was Halloween get to my head.”

Jason pulled back, searching my eyes carefully. “We would have believed you.”

“Would you, though? I don’t even know if I would have believed myself. I don’t know anymore. That night’s just a blur now,” I choked out.

“So why push us away?” he asked. “Why did you change so much? We tried to be there for you, but you just—it was like we lost you, too.”

“Because I didn’t want anyone else I loved to get hurt... I couldn’t lose you, guys. My parents were killed on purpose. I know it. Somehow, I just know that man was there on that exact road at that exact time for that reason. I think I was meant to die with them, and if you guys were around me, you’d all be in danger.”

He shook his head, his eyes wide, as my truth finally sank in. I could tell this was the last explanation he’d expected. “So why didn’t you do the same to Maddie? What about her life?”

I laughed humorlessly and stared at Jason. “Have you ever tried to get that girl to do anything she didn’t want to do?”

His lips curled, and he shrugged. “You’ve got a point.” He sobered again. “All of this—the black clothes, the makeup, the hair—was just to get us to stay away from you?”

Pushing him lightly on the shoulder, I laughed. “Not everything is about you. No, I realized I was pretending to be this peppy cheerleader when it just wasn’t who I am. I was pretending for my parents’ sake, but I was done pretending. I didn’t know you guys would hate it so much, but if it got you away from me, I didn’t regret it.”

Jason groaned, leaning forward until his forehead hit my shoulder. His shoulders were shaking with laughter. “You’re such an idiot...” I was about to pull back and give him a piece of my mind, but he looked back up with a wide smile. “You actually thought a bit of black lipstick and orange hair was the reason we made your life miserable?”

I stared at him blankly. They’d given me shit for an entire year about my new look and my new clothes. They’d called me every name they could think of and let me know every single day exactly how they felt about the change.

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