Page 86 of The Desire

REMINGTON

Ishould be in my hotel room away from people who know me and see me as their boss. Especially with all the media interest in us now, but I can’t seem to settle tonight. I’m on to my second straight scotch, and although it’s top-shelf, it just doesn’t feel smooth like it should.

It’s definitely not the scotch, but it’s my mood that’s souring the good alcohol.

I just want to make the feeling that it’s happening all over again go away by having a drink, but that’s stupid really. My life is full of problems I can’t get control over, which should have me in the office and yelling at people, trying to get action on solving them. I hate with a passion that I’ve left the two most important people in my life alone, and the only thing I’m doing is sitting here in a bar on my own. Trying to stop my brain from thinking about anything at all.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Even worse, I’m hovering my finger over the closed security camera app on my phone, considering opening it, just to see her for a quick minute and to make sure they are both safe. But the last shred of my manhood holds me back from spying on her and feeling like a stalker.

I know the security detail I have watching the house will keep them safe, but that is not much comfort when I know it should really be me.

The reason I’m here is because I want so desperately for her to trust that I am still the man she thought I was before this morning. So, in turn, I need to be that man and show trust in her too and believe that she is strong and taking care of both of them.

I’ve left them before when I’ve traveled for work, but this is different. When I’m away, normally Blaise and El are video chatting with me whenever we can. And late at night, El and I have sat and talked about our days and ended up with me watching her erotically get herself off and come hard under my instructions, which was so fucking sexy. I blew my load without hardly any work needed from my own hand.

So where did this all go so wrong?

I have done everything I could to show her who I am, or so I thought. The night she let me take her for the first time in Scotland, I felt hope between us. It’s why when we both agreed the next morning to continue what we started, there was no going back, we were meant to be together. I breathed a sigh of relief that I had finally found the woman who was made for me. I know I’m not wrong about that, but today, she threw me with her accusations.

Sure, there are things I haven’t told her, that I haven’t told my buddies either, but there was still time to share more of myself as we continued to get to know each other. I doubt I’ve seen all there is to know about her either, but I was working on learning all the parts she was ready to show me. Isn’t that what a relationship is, learning, living, and loving each other every day, through all the changes and challenges? Sharing, caring, and accepting each other for who you are?

That’s what hurt.

I thought she knew who I was, but when she accused me today of cheating on her and visiting a brothel, I saw red.

Then, I did what I’ve learned to do, which is walk away, calming my brain before I speak and ruin everything that I was working so hard to save. I thought I had already done that successfully this morning and was coming home to be able to talk freely to El. Obviously not, so here I am drinking, feeling lonely and trying to figure out my next move.

I’m angry and hurt, but I assume all relationships go through periods like this. Before my first scotch I was ready to walk away and tell her it’s over. I wasn’t prepared to go through being accused again of being the whole problem in the breakdown between two people. It feels like a lifetime ago, but the only time I thought I had found a woman I wanted to be with for more than one night, she stripped me bare of all my money and emotions. The fights between us that happened night after night for over a week were horrendous and relentless, until I couldn’t handle it any longer, and I walked away from her and moved on to another city. Only to find out, after I had moved three different times to new cities looking for work and was working in a bar, that one of the kitchen hands turned out to be the guy she was sleeping with at the same time as me. He was the man she was running off to when she would storm out each night after she screamed at me.

I’m too old to worry about labels, but she was gaslighting me, and I had no idea.

I took it hard, and the months of lead-up to when we finally split took their toll on me. The way I coped going forward was by numbing the emotion of love and taking the prospect of it happening again totally out of the equation. If I didn’t ever get serious with anyone again, I couldn’t get hurt like I did back then, and until now, it’s worked.

The only difference between then and now is that I have just had the epiphany that I didn’t want to fight to save the relationship with my ex, Shannon. Although I was hurt badly by her, and I didn’t think it could be any worse than that, I know that if I can’t be with El, then life wouldn’t be worth living. Shannon was never my person.

But this time, I will give every bone in my body to find the place where Elouise and I can be together, happy, at total peace and madly in love. Elouise is my forever person. It’s as simple as that, and I need to fix this.

I stand from the stool and lift my chin to tonight’s barman, Gus, knowing he will settle my tab onto my charge card that Nic never lets us pay anyway. Walking toward the elevator, I know what I need to do, and if it doesn’t work then I’ll try again, because I am not giving up until my life is in complete control again.

And the only way that will happen is with El right beside me, helping raise Blaise the best way we know how.

I won’t give in until I have what I want.

If I’m honest with myself, it’s more than want, it’s what I need.

Elouise is mine, and it’s about time I tell her and the rest of the world.

ELOUISE

“I can’t believe you did a strip tease in Rome. Holy shit, Lou, and you say I’m uncontrollable when I’m drunk.” Tori is still trying to get through all the sordid details that I’ve told her over too much chocolate but luckily not too much wine. Well, we aren’t at the point we can’t walk, but everything seems to hurt a little less now. But we need to stay sober with Blaise in our care.

“That’s the problem, isn’t it. I’m the good little girl. Fuck that! Sometimes it’s so good to be bad.” My mind keeps going to thoughts it shouldn’t be right now. I remind myself I should still be angry with him.

“Amen, sister. But can I just say you have the shittiest timing to finally tell me your big dirty secret? I’m still mad you didn’t think I would understand, but part of me does get it. We both know I’m hopeless and suffer from word vomititis. Yes, yes, I know vomititis isn’t a word, but it should be, just for me and my rambling. Anyway, I suck at secrets and all that, but this is big for you. Like, super huge, and you needed me, and I wasn’t there for you like you were for me when everything was happening with Nicholas. I couldn’t have gotten through it all without you.” Tori takes both my hands in hers and tries to be serious for a moment.

“I know you don’t believe this, but you are the strongest woman I know, and the last few months have proven that. I just wish you could see yourself like the rest of the world sees you. And I know you don’t want to hear it, but Rem, the way he looks at you even when he is trying not to, that man loves you. To the point that he walked away from you today when you made some pretty big accusations, and then he messaged me telling me that you needed me. He was hurting, but still, he was thinking about you and making sure you were okay.”

---