Page 27 of The Desire

Dropping my head slightly, I close my eyes and take that deep breath before I finally rip the top of the envelope open and pull the letter out.

Ninety-nine-point-nine percent probability I am his father, and I’ve never been more relieved of anything in my life.

The fear I thought would be rushing through my body doesn’t come, but instead, a sensation that is like nothing I’ve ever felt. Attachment to another human being, other than my parents and sister. I know what it’s like with the guys too, we are so close and it’s more than just friends, but this is so different. The responsibility and feeling of love for a tiny human that I never imagined I would get to experience. Can I say I love my son yet? Yes, but not in a way that I would say is a father-son love that can never be broken, but I’m sure it’s something that will grow over time. We are strangers, yet strangely, I feel him imprinted on my soul already, and I know that no matter what happens in life, I will always protect and care for him until my dying days.

“You look relieved, Rem, but at the same time I can see your brain racing.” El’s hand is still sitting gently on my thigh, and it’s comforting.

“If you’d asked me two days ago, I would have told you I could never be a father, but now I have no choice. It’s time to work out how I do that.” I gently slide the letter back in its envelope, ready to place it in the safe with all my important documents. One day I will look back at it and wonder how I ever doubted Blaise was mine.

“The same way that Blaise will learn how to be your son, you will both work it out together. No parent is an expert the moment the baby is born. You will make mistakes, that’s normal. But no matter what happens, just remember to always tell him how much you love him and want him here with you, reassuring him that he is safe, and the rest will fall into place.” There is something about El that naturally soothes me, even if I’m not asking for it. She knows what to say and when to say it. A quality that I’m sure makes her a wonderful teacher.

“I couldn’t do this without you, you know that, right?” I say, placing my hand on top of hers.

“That’s what friends do.” She smiles at me like we are sharing a hidden joke.

“So you say. Speaking of friends, I have been ignoring messages all morning that I really should reply to. Flynn has been painful. We all know he is like an excitable puppy who wants to play with the new toy.” I laugh a little and El joins in because we both know that is the most accurate description of Flynn.

“Why don’t you spend a bit of time with Blaise first. They can wait a little longer. It won’t kill them.”

“A woman who is not afraid to stand up to Flynn, this is going to be fun.”

“I think he has learnt by now that no amount of his charm is going to make me pay attention to him,” she teases. Winking at me, she stands and walks toward Adeline and Blaise.

She underestimates Flynn, but then again, if he was truly interested in her as the love of his life, he wouldn’t have backed away as easily as he has. He’s just playing his cards and seeing how they fall.

El is talking to Adeline in French, and Adeline now stands up from the floor where she was playing with Blaise.

“We are heading into the kitchen to go and make some lunch, and we’ll leave you two boys to it. Remember, he doesn’t bite.” Her joke is not funny. What does she mean she is leaving me alone with Blaise? I don’t speak French.

Before I have time to object, they have left the room, and Blaise and I are left looking at each other with the same bewildered look. The only difference is that his only lasts a split second and then he is back playing with his cars. Okay, how hard can this be?

Sitting down on the rug with him, I try to fold my legs under me which is no easy feat when you are a six-foot-three man with long legs. Blaise just peeks at me up from under his head of black curls that fall over his eyes when he is looking down. Poor kid can’t even see properly. We need to get him a haircut, but not just yet. I don’t want to scare him.

Without even asking, he picks up a car, handing it to me so we can play.

“Voiture, Papa?” Hearing him say Papa now that I know there is no mistake has a cuteness to it but is going take a bit to get used to.

“Merci, Blaise.” I drive it with him for a few seconds, then I decide he needs a track to drive around.

Taking some of the blocks, I get busy building a road for him to drive on, and before I know it, we have been playing for a while driving our cars on the block roads and occasionally crashing into each other. That brings a laugh from Blaise that gives me a sense of relief knowing he is happy here—well, at least for the moment. But the next big challenge in his life is about to happen, and it’s going to be hard on him.

Once I tell Adeline the DNA results are here, then she will be packing to leave. How can she even do that to him? I could’ve been a serial killer, and she was just prepared to turn up and dump Blaise with me and leave. It’s really grating on me. I only met Camille for one day, and yes, we had fun, but she didn’t really know me either. The more I think about it the more it annoys me how trusting these women are. Part of me is glad Blaise is now here with me instead of Adeline, because I know he is safe.

His little voice drags me back from heading off on a tangent.

“J’ai faim, Papa.” He looks at me like I know what the hell he just said. Think, Rem, you are going to need to learn how to work this shit out.

What could a little boy need?

A drink? Okay, I make a motion with my hand of holding a glass and drinking from it, to which he just waves back at me. What the hell, I wasn’t waving.

Food maybe? I pretend to pick up a sandwich and take a bite and chew it, then make the noise of when it’s something tasty. Pointing to him and then back to eating my imaginary food, he starts nodding very slowly, not entirely sure we are talking about the same thing.

My phone, idiot, why didn’t I go to that straight away? I type the word food into it and have it repeat it back to me in French, and it makes Blaise’s face light up, and he starts nodding faster with a big smile on his face.

“Yes?” I ask him if that’s what he was asking for.

“Oui, merci.” Jumping up from the floor, he holds out his hand for me. This is the first time he has wanted to do this. I haven’t instigated it either. I think we were both scared to let our guards down, and here the four-year-old is showing me up by being the first to move forward. I really need to take control of what is happening here. To be an adult, the person who drives the narrative.

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