Page 63 of Testing the Goalie

“Ian told me he was going to take a week off work to look after me,” I tell him, and when I say the words out loud, it sounds stupid that it made me so angry.

“And it made you feel like you didn’t have a say, didn’t it?” he guesses, and it still boggles my brain at times that he knows me as well as he does. I’m happy he’s working at GSU now, and we can have chats like this in person.

“That’s exactly how I felt. Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten that upset, but it was like his words hit a detonation button, and it completely fired me up.”

“It actually makes complete sense that you lost your cool,” Coach responds. “You never had a say in any big decisions made in your life when you were growing up. You were just told what was going to happen, whether you liked it or not. You had no control over anything, and when Ian told you his plan, you felt like that little child with no choice again. But you aren’t a child, and you do have a choice. You snapped because you didn’t want to feel powerless again.” My eyes go wide as he nails it on the head. “But Ian most likely wasn’t thinking about that when he was talking to you last night. He was thinking about the man he loves who was injured and needs someone to care for him. Yes, he should have gone about it differently, but the underlying meaning was good. He didn’t want to take away your power… he just wanted to help you.”

My heart hurts as I nod. “You’re right,” I whisper. “And now I feel like even more of a fool.”

“Don’t. You reacted to a trigger from a trauma that runs a lot deeper than you knew. Don’t fault yourself for that. Now you just have to explain that to Ian and discuss what you’re going to do as a team.”

“Ian wants to take care of me. It’s a huge part of who he is, but I’m worried that by taking time off work, he’ll put his career in jeopardy,” I voice. “He’s worked extremely hard to get to where he is, and I won’t let him put that on the line. I’m afraid that he’s blinded by love right now, and one day, he isn’t going to feel the same way, and if this does affect his job, he’ll resent me for it.”

“Not everyone is going to leave you,” Coach says. “I’m still here, and it’s not because I’m some sort of unicorn. The people who raised you in the foster system were idiots for not seeing how amazing you are. They were foolish for not wanting to keep you. If they had spent the time to get to know you, they wouldn’t have let you go. The people in your life now are aware of the treasure of a person you are and are willing to put in the hard work to keep you.”

Emotion bubbles in my throat, and I blink back tears. I wasn’t expecting Coach to become all sentimental like this, but his words are like a balm to my broken heart.

“Would you mind driving me to Ian’s?” I ask when the frog in my throat has disappeared, and my voice is no longer raspy from all the emotions.

“That I can do, son,” he says, and a tear breaks loose at his words.

I always wanted a dad growing up, but now that I think about it, I kind of had one. Even though it was never on paper, Coach Appleton was my father, and I’m so fucking lucky I have him in my life. Maybe one day I’ll ask him if I can call him Dad because Coach is starting not to feel right anymore.

CHAPTER THIRTY

IAN

It’s late in the afternoon when there is a knock at my door. I wasn’t expecting anyone, and Ben hasn’t reached out, so I have no idea who it could possibly be. It’s probably just a door-to-door salesman, but I make my way to open it, nonetheless.

I almost gasp when my eyes land on my sweet boy.

“Surprise,” he says with a small smile. “Mind if I come in?”

I step to the side and wave him in. “Of course, sorry, I just wasn’t expecting you.”

“I guess I should have told you I was on my way, but it was kind of a spur-of-the-moment decision,” he explains, slowly making his way to the living room. “I was talking with Coach, and he helped me figure out a lot of things.”

“I’m glad. Did you want to talk to me about them?” I ask as we enter my living room.

I pull the coffee table closer to the couch and put a pillow on it for Ben to rest his leg on. He smiles as he takes a seat, and I sit beside him.

“Yeah, but first I want to say I’m sorry for bolting last night. When you told me you were taking a week off work, it was like there was no room for discussion, and it triggered me. All my life, I had no control over big decisions, and I was afraid that was happening again. I love you and like it when you help me make decisions, but I also refuse to give up all of my power to you. If you need a partner who’s willing to do that, it’s not me.”

I shake my head, taking his hand in mine. “I don’t need that. I didn’t clue in until after you got upset that I sounded like such a dictator. I should have figured out sooner that would trigger you, but I was too caught up in my desire to take care of you.”

He squeezes my hand and offers me a small smile. “Coach pointed out that might be the case. My fear of being abandoned also played a part in my reaction last night,” he informs me. “I was afraid that by taking a week off work, you could possibly be jeopardizing your job, and if something happened, you’d end up resenting me over it once your love for me started to fade.”

“Baby, my love for you will never fade. I’m not going anywhere. No matter what,” I assure him.

“Coach was able to get me to see that too. He also made me realize that he’s the father I always wanted. I want to ask him if I can call him Dad.”

“I think he’d like that,” I agree, wrapping my arms around him.

My sweet boy has gone through so much in his life, and I hate that my actions brought up such negative emotions for him last night. But I’m glad he was able to have a heart-to-heart with Calvin and finally know how loved he really is, not just by me but by his chosen family.

“I promise I’ll talk to you about any big decisions going forward and never make them without your input again,” I whisper into his hair.

He mumbles his thank you into my chest. I’m sure our position isn’t the most comfortable for him, but I also don’t want to let him go just yet. I was terrified last night that he might let this be our breaking point and try to push me away, but I’m thankful it didn’t and that he had someone like Calvin to talk things over with.

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