Page 19 of Antidote

There’s a moment of silence between us, and I notice the way his chest heaves and his knuckles blanch from his tight grip on the steering wheel. His citrus scent intoxicates me, and my nostrils flare as I try to inhale it deeper into my lungs. Fuck, I’m so in love with him. Please, God. Don’t let him break up with me. I don’t know if I can live without him. And I don’t want to find out.

“Are you okay?” I ask softly as he grips my thigh instead of the steering wheel. I suck in a sharp breath and try again. “Why do we need to talk?”

Hunter clears his throat twice, then sighs. His grip falters on my thigh, and he pulls his hand away and runs it through his light brown hair. He’s so fucking beautiful it hurts to look at him sometimes. So I glance away. Mostly because if I don’t, I’ll start crying, and if he’s going to break up with me, I want to stay strong. Even though I don’t think I’m above begging, and that’s scary.

“I—” He pauses. “I wanted to talk about us. About what’s next…”

“What do you mean?”

“Senior year is almost over, Ollie.” I dig my fingers into the side of my leg, trying to keep my hand from shaking. This is it. I just know it is. “What’s going to happen after? How are we going to make this work?”

“If you’re here to break up?—”

“Break up?” he asks, confused. His eyes narrow on me and his lips tip down in a grimace. “Why the fuck would I break up with you? I love you.”

My body deflates in relief, and I finally look at him. His forest eyes appear dim in the moonlight, although he still looks at me with a bit of sparkle in them. It's almost as if he does love me. And for the first time in a long time, I let myself believe it. I let him in. Except I’m not fooling myself. He’s had my heart in a vice grip for months now.

“You said we needed to talk.” I shrug. “That’s usually code for breaking up.”

“You’re so silly sometimes.” He grins. “I don’t want to break up with you.”

“Then, what do you want?”

Hunter reaches for my hand and intertwines our fingers. I grasp him tightly, and I’m sure it hurts, but he doesn’t complain. Waiting for him to talk is a fucking struggle. Still, I’m quiet as I impatiently shake my legs. He takes his time because, of course, he does. But he looks conflicted as if he doesn’t know how to say it. His other hand on the steering wheel tightens again, and I swallow hard when his knuckles turn white once more.

“You,” he whispers. “I want you. I want to hold your hand and kiss you and just…be with you.” He says hoarsely.

I look at our intertwined hands, and like they’re magnetized, my eyes go to his ring. Then my matching one. Our promise to each other. Blue and Green. Green and Blue. Hunt and Ollie. My head rolls on the headrest, and I close my eyes.

“So you want to come out?”

I hear him swallow and whisper, “I’d do anything for you.” A pause. “But I don’t think I’m ready yet.”

My heart sinks.

What would it be like to have this ring on my other hand, on the same finger? It doesn’t feel scary…or heavy. Instead, the thought of having Hunter forever is strangely comforting. It almost feels like we’re on the same page after so long. Except for the small detail of him not coming out of the closet.

“I understand.” I shake my head, and our eyes meet. His constrict and dilate, and then he appears relieved. “I do.”

“I want forever, Ollie.”

My heart trips over itself at those words, especially since that’s exactly what I want. I just don’t know how we’re going to get there. “I want that too.” I grin, and a smile blooms on his face. It’s breathtaking. “Now kiss me. You scared the fuck out of me.”

He chuckles, and his lips meet mine tenderly.

And I just know.

I know.

I want what he offered; I’m greedy for it. And I’d do anything to make it happen. Because forever by his side doesn’t even begin to be long enough.

18 YEARS OLD

Hunter’s warmth envelops me, and I sigh. It’s a content sound, and I just know he’s smiling even though I can’t see him in the dark. His body is wrapped around mine, his front to my back, and I wiggle my butt to get even closer. I can honestly say this doesn’t get old, no matter how often he sneaks in to sleep with me. It’s something we’ve talked about before: the not sneaking around anymore. Only he’s not ready to come out. And, quite frankly, with the way my dad treats me…I can’t necessarily blame him.

I don’t want to hide, but I also understand where he’s coming from. Our nights together will just have to be enough for the foreseeable future. He promised we would tell our parents eventually, and that’s all I can ask for. For now, at least.

It just makes me wonder when the hell that’s going to be. Before college? After college? I’m too scared to ask, mainly for two reasons. Number one: that there’s no definitive timeline. Number two: we have to hide from everyone for years to come. So I guess those reasons scare me the most, even though we’ve already planned to go to the same college. We’ve also already applied and are just waiting for our acceptance letters.

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