Page 52 of The Unraveling

And just like that, I’m sucked back in again.

CHAPTER 21 Now

A trill of excitement shoots through me as I board the train to Dr. Alexander’s.

I’d felt the loss of Gabriel all day. The awareness that I’d never see him again. At least, not unless I returned to my old ways. Which I was determined not to. I would go to work and help people. I’d go to the gym and work out. I’d write in my notebook, and go to my appointments, and be normal. Absolutely normal.

But maybe I knew, deep in my heart, it wouldn’t be that easy.

Gabriel stopping by, begging for just a couple more sessions, well, it’s like a balm to my soul. All feels right in the world again. Like when you’ve ended a relationship, then gotten back together, and just briefly, optimism makes you light and happy, like anything is possible. I catch my reflection in the glass as we pull into a station, see a smile tracing over my face. At least, until I notice another face in the glass—one watching me.

I turn in a flash, but it’s too late—people are already shoving their way out of the train through the open doors. My imagination has been vivid lately. Too vivid. I need a distraction, so I pull out my phone and read Robert’s latest message.

Robert: On for Wednesday? What do you think?

I tuck it away without answering. I don’t know. It’s hard to pursue much of anything knowing it’s headed nowhere. Knowing my head is elsewhere—namely, with Gabriel. I reach in my purse and reapply lip gloss for something to do. Check my work email and watch my fellow travelers as the train comes to a stop. I step off, eyes glued to the back of a man who’s clearly headed to exercise somewhere, with a gym bag over one shoulder and a protein shake in his opposite hand. He’s tall and broad, with bulging muscles, but not nearly enough layers of clothes to stay warm. Why couldn’t I obsess over someone like that? Someone who’s not tangled up in what you did, someone who’s not a patient.

I sigh. Just someone normal would be nice.

Then again, these days I don’t feel so normal. Maybe abnormal attracts abnormal, and that’s what draws me to Gabriel. Or it could be the shared trauma. Trauma sometimes bonds people, makes them cling to one another.

I arrive at Dr. Alexander’s office ten minutes later, take a seat with a cup of tea his new assistant has prepared for me. It’s herbal, decaffeinated, which is good—my pulse speeds away without any help, my mind still spinning from Gabriel’s appearance. I can’t stop replaying the way he begged me to continue seeing him. How he said I’m the only woman he has connected with since his wife died. I take a settling breath, remind myself that what’s important is that I help him. This can’t be about me.

“Dr. Alexander will be with you soon.” His assistant pops his head in. “Sorry for the delay. He got tied up next door.”

I nod in acknowledgment and reach for my phone, staring at Robert’s text again. But nothing’s changed, I’m still not sure how to respond. I click on his profile pic and stare, waiting for an answer to come to me. It doesn’t, so I close the app and do something I haven’t done in a long time. I go to the Columbia University website and navigate over to the faculty page. Scrolling to the English Department, I click on Professor Gabriel Wright. The moment his face appears, my heart starts to race. And I realize I’ve found my answer. Though not the one I wanted.

“Meredith! Sorry to keep you waiting.”

I slide my phone back in my bag, hands trembling. I feel like I’ve been caught doing something naughty.

“Were you sending a message? You can finish.” He waves a hand as he walks to his desk, opening drawers and searching for the right notebook, I imagine.

“I was, but it’s okay. Sometimes it’s good to make them wait.” I try for a smile.

Dr. Alexander’s eyebrows lift. “Oh. That makes it sound like it’s a man.”

“It is.” This time, a real smile breaks through.

“Very good.” He nods encouragingly, giving me space to go on, but not demanding it.

“I went on a date,” I say. “On Friday.”

“And now you’re smiling at your phone. That’s something. How do you feel about it?”

He’s obviously referring to the man he thinks I was texting—which should’ve been Robert, not Gabriel, whom he almost caught me drooling over.

“I’m…” I search for honesty. I do want to be truthful with him when I can. Though he won’t know our lines are crossed about which man I’m speaking of. “I feel glad. Happy.”

Dr. Alexander nods and scribbles something. “I’m pleased to hear that. Will you be seeing him again?”

Yes. As soon as possible. As soon as Sarah schedules him.

“I hope so,” I say.

“Do you think you’re ready for something physical? It’s okay if you’re not. Lots of people date for a long time before they feel ready.”

I switch the man he’s asking about in my head this time, consider the thought of kissing Robert. Of touching him. I liked him enough, but no, I would not take him home with me. The bigger question is, why not? Why not let myself feel good, even if just for one night?

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