Page 23 of Staying Selfless

His hands drop south, tracing my hips before finding the back of my bare thighs. His calloused fingertips gently graze the length of my legs, leaving goosebumps in their wake as my body shudders from his touch.

After a moment, he pulls me to sit across his lap as my arms wrap around his shoulders. He buries his face in my nape while he holds onto my waist as tightly as possible. I stroke the length of his back with one of my palms, trying to soothe him, as my other hand cradles his head to me.

“You know you could’ve called me,” I whisper after a few moments of silence between us. “I could’ve helped you through it.”

Eli shakes his head in my grasp. “You have way too much going on right now. I’m trying not to add more onto you.”

My eyes squeeze shut at his tone. He’s too good to me, but I don’t want Eli to feel alone when he’s suffering, especially when it’s the one thing I can successfully help him with.

I gently kiss his temple. “Let’s go to bed.”

He looks up to me, confused. “Really?” He searches my face, looking for hesitation.

I nod before climbing off his lap, allowing him to slip out of his shoes and under the covers.

I get in bed next to him, both of us lying on our backs, eyes towards the ceiling, hands at our sides, but neither of us touching the other.

There’s a lot of things that need to be said right now, but the only sounds being made are coming from the vents, blasting warm air into my room.

After a few minutes of awkward silence, Eli breaks the void.

“Logan?”

“Yeah?”

“I think I’m mad at you,” he says in the softest tone he can manage.

I close my eyes at his words. “You should be.”

“But I can’t be,” he says, both of our gazes still locked on the ceiling. “It’s not your fault that you’re going through what you’re going through.”

“You can still be mad at me. I’m mad at me for how much I hurt you. I didn’t know how to make myself feel better other than to go back to California. I still don’t know how to make myself feel better.” My voice breaks.

Suddenly Eli’s hand finds mine on the bed as our fingers intertwine, palms pressed together. We stay like that, holding onto each other, no other part of our bodies touching as he continues.

“I just want to fix it for you. I want to save you from all of this.” I can hear the emotion in his voice, but I don’t look at him because I know if I do, the tears that are pooling at the corners of my eyes will fall.

“You can’t. No one can, except me. I’m trying. I promise, I’m trying.” My throat catches and the tears fall, which is really fucking annoying.

“I know, baby.” Eli tries to sneakily wipe at his cheek, but I catch it out of the corner of my eye and know he’s crying too.

We lie there for a few more moments, neither of us acknowledging that the other one is emotional as we both try to compose ourselves, our hands still intertwined.

“Logan?” Eli says, not even trying to hide the sadness in his tone.

“Mmm-hmm.”

“Are you still mine?”

My chest heaves in a cry, but I try to stifle it. “As long as you’re still mine.”

The bed dips from the exhale Eli releases next to me while his thumb gently grazes my hand.

“I’ll always be yours, Logan. Even if there comes a day that you don’t want me to be. I’ll still be yours.”

I can’t help but turn to look at him. Eli does the same thing, facing me. His eyes are glossy and red, just like mine most likely are, as we lie there staring at each other, trying to say all the things without having the words to articulate them.

I look from Eli’s eyes to his mouth and back again. Once his tongue slyly wets his parted lips, I’m unable to keep myself from him any longer, as I fill the space between us and press my needy mouth to his.

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