Page 192 of Staying Selfless

“We lost the baby,” I say once again, hoping I never have to repeat the words.

“Shit,” my dad exhales. He undrapes his arm from me before he drops his head down between his shoulders. “I’m so sorry, EJ.”

I turn to look at him, seeing the sadness cover his face. He’s the most important man in my life, the person who made me want to be a dad in the first place, to give my child the kind of upbringing and relationship that we have. And now, I just lost the opportunity.

“It really fucking hurts, Dad.” My voice cracks.

“I can’t imagine.” He shakes his head, seeming to feel the same pain that I feel in this moment.

“I don’t want to go to Dallas.”

“What did Logan say?”

“That I’m going.”

“So, what are you going to do?”

“I’m gonna go.”

My dad lets out a knowing chuckle. “You guys will be okay. But this is going to hurt for a bit. And it doesn’t help that you’ll be away from each other while you go through it.”

“This seems really fucking selfish to go chase my dreams right now.”

“It’s not selfish,” my dad says. “It would be selfish not to go. What you’re doing by chasing your dreams is taking care of Logan long-term. You love her selflessly, EJ. And loving someone selflessly means putting their happiness above your own. You might be happy to stay here with her forever, and it might make you feel better in the short term to make sure she’s okay, but what will make Logan happy is seeing you achieve everything you’ve worked so hard for.”

“Don’t you think it’s a terrible idea for me to go? I shouldn’t leave her alone with this. Remember what happened last time? I don’t want her to break because of this.”

“EJ, Logan is tough as nails, and she knows how to navigate loss. Honestly, you couldn’t have picked a better partner to have to go through this with. But what I’m worried about is you. Are you going to be okay dealing with this on your own?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Do this for your family. Go down to Dallas and play the way you know how to play, and get a long-term contract for your family. I know you’ll do anything for Logan, so try to think of it that way. Do this for her and your future together. Maybe, if you can look forward and focus on building a brighter future for her, it’ll start to heal you from the past. I know that’s how it worked for me.”

I keep my gaze locked on the ground in front of me, trying to take his words, always needing his advice.

“She’s strong, EJ,” my dad says. “But so are you.”

Chapter 48

Logan

My spring break was nothing like I had planned. I thought I’d be sitting on a beach in Florida, waiting to watch Eli play in the Frozen Four. Instead, I’ve been posted up on the couch in the living room of Jack and Mary’s house off-campus, unable to do much of anything.

But regardless of all of that, I’m thankful. Thankful that I’m still here, thankful that Eli’s family loves me enough to take care of me, and thankful that my guy is off chasing his dreams in Texas.

My body has been aching all week, mostly from the impact of the accident and partly from the surgery incision. There’s a lovely splattering of bruising all across my torso where my seatbelt was resting, and I have an attractive black eye and a cut along my forehead.

But worse than any of that, my heart aches.

It aches for the family I thought we were going to have. It aches for Eli not getting the child he had hoped for, and it aches for me because I wanted it.

I really fucking wanted it.

“Well, that sucks,” Marc says, sitting next to me and finally turning off the television. It’s been over an hour since the first round of the Frozen Four ended, and we just watched our friends lose 4-2.

I was in and out of sleep for much of the game, but I was awake enough to recognize just how much Minnesota suffered without Eli there to center their top line.

I feel for my friends, but most of Eli’s teammates are sophomores and juniors. They have another season to chase the National Championship. Regardless, I shoot Cam a text because it’s still got to hurt being that close to winning the whole thing and coming up short.

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