Page 183 of Staying Selfless

I always thought she was hard on herself for the guilt she carries about her mom. But now? I get it. There are so many ifs, ands, and buts about how this night could’ve gone differently, how I could’ve changed the outcome.

I guarantee every one of my friends and family will tell me that it’s not my fault, but guess what? It is. Because I had the power to change it. If I had done one thing differently, Logan wouldn’t have been unconsciously wheeled into this hospital.

Now, I completely understand Logan’s guilt.

The other thing I now understand? The absolute life-altering fear that Logan carries from losing someone you love.

I’ve never been in this position before. I’ve never had someone I loved taken away from me before. I’ve never been close to experiencing that type of loss, but now that the possibility is knocking at my doorstep, I get it. And I fully understand why Logan has kept her circle small.

The more you love, the more you can lose.

I don’t think I’ve ever been as scared as I am right now.

All I’ve wanted was for her to get past that grief and fear she’s been holding onto from losing her parents, to build a new family with me, but who was I to ask that of her? I had no fucking clue what she went through.

And now that I’m getting a taste of the fear she deals with, I don’t blame her one bit for being afraid to start a family.

She’s lost both of her parents, and now I might lose her.

And it’s not only Logan that I might lose but also our child.

I’m going to be a dad. Or at least I was.

But Logan was happy about it? That’s everything I’ve been wanting.

I wonder if it’s a boy or a girl? I hope it’s a girl, and I hope she looks just like her mom. I hope she has those stunning green eyes and deep-set dimples. I hope she gets her golden skin and her selfless heart.

I hope and pray that somehow, someway, both Logan and this baby will be okay.

I need them, and I’m scared shitless that I won’t get them both.

There’s a lot of things I’m hopeful for, but to be honest, things feel pretty hopeless right now, and that’s the absolute worst fucking feeling in the world.

The letter Logan’s mom wrote me has been burning a hole in my pocket all night. It’s lived in my wallet since the first time I read it, and I tend to take it out and reread it on nights that I’m alone. Typically, when I’m on the road. The edges are already getting worn, and the creases are becoming softer, more pliable. But because I want to torture myself, I pull it out and read it again, even though I practically have it memorized.

‘So that’s what this letter is for. It’s a plea, really. To love her and to protect her.’

A teardrop falls onto the paper in my shaking hands.

‘I wish I were around to see her become a mother because she’s going to be incredible.’

Yes, she is.

‘If I could ask one more thing, please make her life easier. It’s been unfairly difficult on her, and she deserves some peace.’

That last line is the one that breaks me all over again. I’ve tried so hard to make Logan’s life easier. To give her a break from the heaviness she’s lived in, but I couldn’t even do that.

My throat is thick with emotion, bile rising as I replay the accident in my head once again.

The way the blue SUV slammed into the side of Logan’s car. The skid of the tires and the volume of the screams. I didn’t see her face before it happened, and part of me is happy that I didn’t have to see the fear in Logan’s eyes. But most of me wonders if that could’ve been the last time I ever saw her, and I missed my opportunity.

I swallow hard, trying not to throw up, as I place my shaky hands on the cold tile of the hospital floor, needing to anchor myself. Needing to tie myself somewhere physical, to remind myself where I am. I can’t get lost in a panic attack right now. Logan needs me.

But I need her, and she’s not here to help calm me. She’s my constant peace, but I somehow have to find the strength to do it on my own today.

I’ve never felt more alone than I do right now.

“Eli, honey,” a voice down the hall calls out.

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