Page 166 of Staying Selfless

E: Of course. Get some rest. I’ll see you Sunday. I love you.

L: I love you.

And god, do I love him. I love him more than anything, and I pray that he has the same reaction to this pregnancy that Marc had because I can’t handle disappointing him.

This fear of failure isn’t just rooted in failing this child. It’s also about failing the one person I love the most in the world. I don’t want to fail Eli. I don’t want to mess this up.

My computer chimes, indicating a new email, so I put my reading glasses on, pushing them up the bridge of my nose, before settling back on the pillows behind me.

Inbox: 1 New Message from Marcus Jones

I click on it right away.

‘I borrowed EJ’s laptop around New Year’s, and I found this. It’s probably not my place, but you need to read this. If you’re not going to listen to me and see yourself the way I see you, maybe you’ll begin to understand how great and capable you are if you read EJ’s words.’

There’s an attachment included in Marc’s email. When I click on that, my mouth immediately gapes. I never thought I’d read this. I never thought I would read the paper Eli wrote about me for creative writing last semester.

‘Logan Leo - Passions’

Chapter 42

Logan

I close out of the attachment as quickly as possible.

I don’t know if I should read this. Isn’t that kind of an invasion of Eli’s privacy? I don’t think I would want him to read the paper I wrote about him. Granted, it wasn’t all that deep. I wrote about Eli’s passion for his sport. His passion for overcoming obstacles. His passion for achieving his dream.

I still, to this day, have no idea what he wrote about. I assumed he wrote about my prior passion of playing basketball at a high level. So, the fact that Marc thinks the paper that Eli wrote about me will change my perspective on my ability to be a mother is a little confusing.

He wrote this paper the day after our first visit to the pond. Yes, I fell in love with him that day, but we’ve learned so much more about one another since then. I can’t imagine that his opinion of me, two weeks into knowing each other, could change my current opinion of myself.

But I find myself hoping it does.

I hover the mouse over the attached file included in Marc’s email once again.

Maybe I should ask Eli’s permission first.

But if Marc is so adamant about me needing to read Eli’s words right now, Eli will understand my desperation.

Click.

Logan Leo - Passions.

First off, Kenny, if you’re actually reading this paper, this title you chose? Passions? It needs work, man. Second, let me remind you that you said as long as our creative writing papers are legible and have the correct page count and subject matter, they’ll pass. So, I’m going to write about this girl however I see fit—creatively, if you will.

Also, I’m going to write this paper as if you’re not going to read it because I just need to say some things.

Logan Leo. Holy hell. This girl, man.

My cheeks begin to heat as I quickly close my laptop, hoping that Kenny never actually read this paper. Knowing my boyfriend, he probably laid it all out there, no holds barred. I’d imagine he said whatever was on his mind that day. And after our night at the pond, I know we both had a lot of feelings coursing through us.

I take a deep breath, open my computer, and continue.

When I asked Logan what she was most passionate about in life, she told me she didn’t have a passion. Of course, the first thing that popped into my head at the time was how the hell am I going to write five pages about someone who doesn’t have a passion. That only takes up one sentence. But I also knew there’s no way that could be true.

I’ve known Logan for a couple of weeks, but I didn’t really know her until last night.

Up until last night, the things I knew about her were that she’s my brother’s best friend. She’s from California. Her lucky number is the same as mine. She’s stubborn as hell. She’s smart. She’s grounded. She’s aware. She’s mature. She’s open-minded. She makes my heart beat a little faster than it probably should, and she’s the easiest person to talk to.

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